Do I need to do more? Am I in the wrong?

8 comments

1. She could write a list of things she feels she needs help with and you can see how much of that you are taking on.

   I also try to do everything I can but as far as around the house and with the kids go, she really does do more than I do. Sometimes it’s hard to see what that is when you are both so busy and exhausted. She could just be feeling overwhelmed.

   Sounds like you are willing, balls in her court.

2. When she asks for “more help”, does she articulate exactly what she needs, or does she just spout vague responses?

3. You both need to sit down after the kids are in bed and talk. Have that really good talk where you both can lay out your thoughts and feelings, and then both figure out how to adjust your marriage. To me it sounds like you both haven’t taken the time to sit and really talk and hear each other without distractions. Sometimes after you’ve been together for a long time you forget to hear each other, especially when you’re tired from a baby. I’ve been married for 26 years and our baby is 19, I know the stress of little people on a relationship. Good luck with everything.

4. Ok, I know you don’t care what I think because I’ve only ly been married 4 years (together 8) and we only have one kid, but here is the red flag I saw in your post:

   >Because I do these things, my wife usually has to manage the kids while I’m focusing on some of these.

   Compared to:

   >She also has to setup in her job while having all 3 kids

   This is one of the most frustrating things I deal with with inequality in childcare in our house. I do all the stuff I need to do WHILE HOLDING THE BABY (cooking, cleaning, organizing, unloading dishes, etc. etc. etc.) My husband feels he needs to place her in my arms before he goes to go pee.

   The girl is 14 months old. She can sit in the living room for two minutes while you go pee and while I’m in the kitchen working.

   The idea of being out with the baby without me and him needing to use the restroom and not knowing what to do with her is debilitating to the point he doesn’t want to go anywhere without me too (if she’s going). Bruh, millions of single dads do this every day. Figure it out.

   I realize I am definitely projecting, but seeing these two sentences was a bit triggering, haha. I’m not saying this absolutely is what’s happening, I’m just showing you the pattern of my life I see potentially reflected in yours.

   Also

   >There have been a few times when she has asked me for extra help and I’ve responded “really” and this has caused some issues.

   When I ask for help, or I prep my husband saying, “I’m going to need help tomorrow morning, can you wake up a little early to assist?” And he says sure, then then the time comes to do the thing he said he would do and he’s grumbling and complaining about it? Kills the whole fucking day. Like, *I* do all of this and more without complaining, and you can’t help me out a LITTLE by just, doing something without being a whiny ass about it?? I’m sorry. That is definitely projecting. And also, don’t do that. She is climbing a mountain so you can climb a hill, and you’re annoyed she asked for a boost? Bruh. Cut that shit out.

   To help her, or at least what would help ME, is to take the kids, all of them, for some amount of time a day. Take them for a walk. Let her take a bath. Do not pressure her to finish what’s he’s doing quickly so she can take the kids, do not make snide comments about how long you were doing stuff alone, don’t comment on how long she took to do a thing without the kids. Remember, she has all three kids every morning and does everything she needs to do on top of it. When you take them all, you’re not being superman that needs praise and affection for the effort you put in, you are being Dad and getting on her level for like, an hour or three. THAT is helping her in extra ways. Yeah doing the dishes so she doesn’t have to is nice, but letting her complete a task without getting interrupted by a kid is also a huge burden you could lift.

   Aaaand now that I’m done projecting onto your life and your wife’s life, I’ll see myself out 😅

5. Doing chores is great.. but honestly wrangling kids can be exhausting compared to folding laundry or paying bills at a computer. You sound amazing, you really do!! – here are some tweaks they may make it a little better.

   Take all the kids out of the house one or two evenings a week while she cooks dinner in quiet.. so chore swapping.

   Take the baby with you to work while she gets the 2 to school since you leave earlier.

   Hire a babysitter to help in the mornings and to drive the kids to school while wife manages baby.

   Hire a babysitter one evening a week while you treasure and take your wife on a date. Also helpful for a few hours on a weekend so you both can get things done. A mother’s helper is good for this too, cheaper coz they aren’t left alone but they just come to the house to assist.

   Ask your wife if any, or all, of these options will be helpful. Just taking the initiative for solutions will prob mean a lot to her, as an overwhelmed mom who has hormones from birth still and mom guilt, it may be hard to articulate or think straight.

   But honestly you are doing a great job as a partner and I’m not diminishing all the amazing that you do! Good job dad!

6. Your wife is only two months post partum, is working full time and also has two older kids? Oh my god dude. Is there seriously not any way you two can afford for her to drop a day or two while she’s still *healing from childbirth* instead of having to wrangle three kids and herself in the morning to work a full day? I know the US is absolutely insane about this stuff, but really? No options here?

   Like, this is way beyond ‘is it fair’ stuff. She is TWO MONTHS post partum! She has a newborn! Of course she is drowning! She is telling you that this is unsustainable. Two adults cannot work full time and also handle three children, one of whom is a newborn. She’s not lying. She’s not lazy. She’s not unreasonable. If you can’t do any more either, and that might be true, you two need to pull the emergency cord and get some help from somewhere else somehow.

7. Married for a long time.

   Do you say “what specifically do you need help with?”

8. “I can admit that I am not always the most cheerful when I do this”. This may be having more impact than you realise.

   I am an anxious person who gets overwhelmed. If I ask my husband to help – and believe me I do plenty of the load – and he is clearly not thrilled, I don’t feel safe, I don’t feel supported, I feel like asking for help is a problem, and that going forward I am less likely to ask for help, and more likely to get overwhelmed by the load.

   If I ask him for help and he is happy and willing to help, I feel supported. I feel that it is less likely I will get completely overwhelmed down the line, because I know he wants to support me and is not grudging about it. And that I will be more comfortable asking for and accepting his support.

   It’s all about feelings for me, and this is only my perspective. As you describe it, you do seem to be doing plenty. So maybe it’s about your wife needing to feel safe in that you are a willing partner who truly wants to help? That she can ask for help in a pinch without feeling guilty?

   Also, she just had a baby eight weeks ago…she’s still overwhelmed just by hormones alone.