Last year, I developed a friendship with someone from work that had become emotionally involved (they understood my work stresses etc), but this was ended as we didn’t want to hurt our partners, and tbh the friendship wasn’t that important/long-term. I was honest with my partner at the time, apologised, and have made zero contact with this other person for 6+ months now.
However, my husband (30M) and I (28F) got in a heated argument two nights ago, where hurtful things were said by both of us. The conversation concluded with him saying ‘you have a dog shit personality’ (in addition to saying repeatedly how he dislikes spending time with me). Obviously this was incredibly upsetting to hear and I am still in shock by what he said. He has since sincerely apologised and accepts that it was a hurtful thing to say, but this morning he said ‘I let that thing go last year, why can’t you let this go’. It feels like he is using a past hurt to justify speaking to me in this way, which I feel is unfair.
Am I over-reacting to this by still feeling hurt and not ‘getting over it’? I still feel so hurt over his description of my personality, but I understand that it’s difficult to be objective when I’m hurting. I’m hoping reddit can be my objectivity.
15 comments
Are you in MC? You sound like you both have terrible communication, especially if an argument with “hurtful things” is your norm… That’s not constructive or healthy for any relationship.
And while what he said isn’t ok, it also sounds like you had an emotional affair and he holds some resentment. How are you guys working on rebuilding and communicating after that? I mean it sounds like you think it was no big deal… but 6mos out from an affair, even an emotional one, is still really soon for such a betrayal.
You said you both said hurtful things. What did you say to him?
He’s clearly not over your cheating.
“However, my husband (30M) and I (28F) got in a heated argument two nights ago, where hurtful things were said by both of us.”
You said what he said but you didn’t say what you said. It sounds like one of those arguments where you both got defensive and both acted like jerks towards each other. What was the argument about?
Here’s the thing. You were emotional cheating on him. You stopped it before it turned physical, but the emotions were there. He’s still resentful of it, partially because you won’t admit what it was. You also said the thing about him having no friends which he also connects to you have a “friend” who you almost physically cheated on him with.
Y’all definitely need counseling. Because he needs to work through all of this and you both need to learn how to communicate better.
He probably never got over your ea. So until he figures that out, yes, he’ll use it for leverage whenever he’s losing an argument.
Dogshit personality. Lemme add that to my vocabulary. Its genius. Oh, and time and kindness heals most things.
You both need help in communicating with each other. Your marriage won’t last long if you both purposely say hurtful things to one another.
Tell him MC is a line in the sand for you and go from there.
Or just go like this forever. Have kids and don’t have many ways out. And have an alright marriage where one of you is constantly unhappy about something.
You cheated.
Cheating changes a marriage forever.
That blind and innocent trust is gone.
Now ” what if” will keep on playing a role in your marriage.
There is no escape from it now unfortunately.
My advise would be to not underplay what you did and what are you actually facing. Also you seems pretty self focused.
– like you didn’t say you were thankfully to your husband after your emotional affair.
– you did tell us what aweful things you said.
-all of your post is focused on you, what you want and how you want things to be. No mention about your marriage or any concerns about your husband.
I’m not sure why your husband is comparing your emotional affair with what he felt about you. But then again, he is probably lashing out as a result of your emotional affair that was probably carpet swept and you got away without any consequences.
I think it is time to reexam your affair(yes is was an affair) with you husband. It appears he is struggling with it.
Sounds like you both have issues. Likely you are both over reacting on a daily basis.
Geez, so many commenters have tunnel vision and a focus on finger-pointing…
It shouldn’t be a “he said, she said” investigation at this point. Doesn’t matter what either of you said. Point out the fact that him using the past experience of an emotional affair that you put behind you months ago as ammunition for guilt is not fair. Him accepting your apology should have been the end of it. If he doesn’t feel satisfied with the outcome, ask him directly where he’d like to go with this. Like what exactly would he want from your dynamic to move past the issue. Otherwise, it’ll be a tit-for-tat game for the duration of your relationship.
He needs to learn how to verbalize his needs without being insulting. You’re not supposed to be careless with your partner in a healthy marriage. If he finds you annoying in the moment, the best course of action is for him to take responsibility of the outcome and be definitive in emotional transparency. He could have been pointed in asking for a moment of quiet to process or asking to pick up the issue later.
The fact that you’ve been asked multiple times what you said and you always reply with some sort of snark and not give a clear answer says to me that what you said was at least as terrible as what he said. The combination of you being less than truthful while trying to find advice with whatever was going on with your coworker leads me to believe You’re probably not the victim that you’re trying to paint yourself to be. So yes, you’re overreacting. Own your part in the argument and figure out how to improve your relationship.
Considering you had an emotional affair you need to give him slack while he tries to heal from it. Counseling is mandatory so both of you can figure out how to go forward from the transgression.
You had an emotional affair. That’s the root of your situation as he will never see you in the same light after that. Ever.
Well, he’s right.
You pushed. He wasn’t in the mood, and you pushed. He snapped. So you said something to hurt him, and he said something to hurt you. Then you’ve been trying to milk it still for a few days even though you were as much at fault. So he got defensive again and mentioned the coworker.
You both suck with this “one upping” each other instead of communicating. And you said that since you apologized for the coworker thing and he moved on, it should be mentioned again. But, he also apologized for the dog shit comment. You moved on, and then you were still on about it days later.
You’re giving yourself more grace than him.