I (M/25) often struggle with my confidence. To say I “struggle” is an understatement.
I have a bad habit of comparing the worst traits of my personality to the best traits of those around me, so it often makes me feel like I’m a boring and lame person to be around.
After a combination of therapy, self improvement projects, and mindfulness, I feel like I want to start being who I really am rather than someone in the hopes of gaining the admiration of those around me.
To be honest, I’m not even really sure who I am when it comes to personality. I guess my strongest traits would be introversion, slightly awkward but, overall, well-meaning with a whole lot of ‘nerd culture’ thrown in there.
Regardless if other people think I’m cool or fun, I just want to start doing what I think will be fun. But it would be nice if maybe someone would think I’m cool for simply being who I am.
Does anyone have any advice regarding being at peace with who you are? And maybe share an experience on how that benefited you when it came to finding someone?
5 comments
Remember B yourself but not all out nobody gets all of you at once, just things they can relate to. So when the real
U comes out and it will eventually, then you look fake 😜 so don’t be fake be you. You can’t fake it till you make it when it comes to personality either they do or don’t like you. Either way you’ll know where you belong in time
I recommend viewing yourself and your personality not as one thing. But as a whole set of different aspects.
Some core aspects of who you are, like your core values, you should know and probably not change for anyone. If you don’t know who you are, one of the best things you can do is to find your core values. There are many lists of core values online. See if you can pick your top 3-5 core values from one of those lists and write them down. Then try to live life mostly in accordance with those core values.
There’s also things about you that are more superficial that you can, and sometimes should change. Like your clothing and fitness level. You are not your muscles, you are not your clothes or processions. They are not core parts of who you are so feel free to change and improve. The same with your social skills. You can’t really change your personality that drastically, but you can improve your self awareness and your social skills and it would benefit you.
Change not so much who you are at the core(unless you find your personality fucking up your life repeatedly). But do change things that are more superficial parts of who you are.
There is a healthy balance. Too much self acceptance leads to stagnation and maladaptive behaviors. Too much self improvement / changing yourself leads to insecurity and anxiousness. Find a healthy balance between improving aspects of who you are while at the same time loving yourself for where you’re at.
Social comparison is the thief of joy. Compare your past self to your current self.
The more you embrace your true, authentic self, the more confident you’ll feel within yourself. Authenticity alone is an extremely attractive trait in a person too, and will allow you to attract people that you truly connect with, who resonate with you as a person. If you think about it, if you’re always hiding who you really, are, how are you going to meet and build relationships with people that are genuine?
Comparing yourself to others does come from low self esteem, so if you have done self-improvement, keep going, you got this.
I think it depends on what you mean by “notice”.
Im going to take a guess here since this is a “dating advice” section and assume you’d like a girl to notice you and maybe get yourself a nice girlfriend.
Lets begin with confidence. The harsh reality is that each of us have the confidence we are supposed to have. You a 25yr old man know yourself better than anyone. You’ve spent more time with yourself than anyone. You know the decisions you’ve made when no one was looking. You know if your a good friend/son/brother/coworker…etc.
You also are brutally aware of your superficial accomplishments or lack thereof… such as your physical fitness, financial success, success with women… you get the point
so you’re either lacking confidence its one of 2 possiblilties
1- MOST LIKELY – you’ve yet to find your lane in life and haven’t had much success and therefore lack confidence. which is okay, its natural and some of us it takes a bit longer to develop in life. I will drop a formula below to help with this
2 – UNLIKELY BUT WORTH MENTIONING – your a scumbag of a person with no morals who treats ppl terribly and therefore should feel bad about yourself (I don’t think this is the case and if so I have no interest in helping you)
if you can look yourself in the mirror and know deep down you’ve lived a life of integrity and honor you should hold your head high no matter the superficial circumstances
as far as improving the “worldly” superficial confidence its actually quite simple
here’s a formula for u to remember – COMPETENCE > ACCOMPLISHMENTS > CONFIDENCE
To break that down for you first we become COMPETENT at something… whatever it is the steps are the same. Studying, working relentlessly, failing, learning, trying again…
eventually over a long enough time scale that will eventually lead to an ACCOMPLISHMENT. they start out small… maybe you saved some $$$ , got in shape, a girl gave you her phone number. No matter how small its still a WIN we all started from scratch. get enough of these wins and you will build your confidence
the above steps are absolutely flawless and cannot be argued this has been the reality since the beginning of time.
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If this advice helped you in anyway and you would like to receive more you can reach me on IG @ connello773. I am a professional dating/lifestyle coach and charge for my services but Im willing to do a free consult so you can see for yourself If you believe hiring me is worth the investment
For the most part, many people are so focused on their own issues and the “vibes” they’re giving off so they can’t notice your issues much.
This allows you to openly be yourself. That’ll help them tho! If they see you acting like a dork, they haven’t done it before bc they’re afraid to get judged. You being yourself can free *them* to be themselves too.