So where should I start? I’m a guy, 27 years old.
My father is an complex person.
He’s on meds for depression since 2009 and has a huge alcohol problem.
He was always loving but his methods were, I see them as wrong. He’s always telling me and my sister that we are everything he has, that he lives only for the two of us and yet he’ll never ever consider anything else than his stance.
He was always overly controlling, if things weren’t how he had wanted, he’ll start with threats. “I’ll break your bones” and similar fantasies like these.
That’s probably where my fear is coming from. Thought my whole life I was always afraid how he’d react. Should I tell him this or not.
During high school I was never allowed to stay with my classmates in a cafe or park, I always had to go with them back home. My sister is partialy disabled and they were driving her to school and back. Even thought I had a free ticket on the local train station. There was always a fight if I wanted any social contact with anyone besides family. I couldn’t go to a movie, it’s stupidness. You don’t need that he said.. I couldn’t do anything which is not related to school. Later on I wanted to join the army, but there were always these threats like the one above and guilt tripping like:”you have to watch out for your sister” followed by a disrespectful conversation “you are miserable, the army is for someone tougher.”
In the recent past, I got a job he made me to accept. The earnings are not that great, I can’t consider moving out because I can’t afford it, nor do I want to leave my sister.
I give almost half of my earnings to pay the bills, his pension and what my sister gets for her condition, he spends on alcohol and cigarettes, “that’s the only thing I have left”, he said.
He never ever does anything around the house, he never ever cooks. I have to either buy something for him to eat after work or cook for him otherwise he and my sister won’t eat anything.
Whenever I tried to talk to him what’s bothering me, why do I feel the way I feel he always contradicts and makes everything about him. “I’m not the son he thought I would be, I didn’t turn out how he wanted”, and other shameful stuff are on a daily basis “you’re an idiot, you’re still a stupid child”, are like good morning to him.
I wanted to start a hoby, playing a piano, reading, reenactment (I used to do that 7 years ago, he was strongly against it), whenever I mention anything else than my job he just digs a hole for me “you don’t need those childish things in your life, don’t be stupid”.
My social status is still the same,” you can’t see anyone, I don’t have friends, why should you?”
There isn’t a way to talk to him, thanks to his god complex (he’s never grateful and he will never say sorry or admit that he’s wrong). P.s he never looks me in my eyes when we’re “talking”, only on his phone. The only exception is when we fight.
I don’t know, it might really be the problem in me, perhaps I really am what he’s saying.
I don’t know, sometimes it just makes me feel helpless.
I’m sorry that I have to vent here, I just need to say it out loud, at least here. It’s a mess of words in a random order.
Have you experienced a similar situation with a family member?
Edit:sorry if there are some awkward words, my autocorrect is killing me.
TL;DR: I don’t know how to deal with my narcissistic and controlling father.
6 comments
Therapy and lots of self-help resources is what has worked for me OP. Dr. Gabor Mate and Patrick Teahan, in particular, have some excellent material on youtube.
>I give almost half of my earnings to pay the bills, his pension
Your dad is ridiculously dependent on you. It’s no wonder you called your relationship with him “complex” – he berates, threatens, and insults you, but also acts so pathetic and references how much he needs you that you feel obligated to help him.
If your sister has a job, you and her can afford to move out and find a low-rent apartment somewhere together. You’d have more security, freedom for your time, financial independence, and space to recover from this abusive relationship. You’d also have the privacy needed to get therapy.
Great news: you don’t have to deal with him. I do recognize that leaving won’t be easy but please understand that you must leave.
He is unwell. Depression and alcoholism is destroying him and he is very afraid of any kind of change or responsibility he is not prepared for or willing to meet.
He is keeping you close because he does not want to be a parent to you or your sister. He knows he’s failed and you leaving will confirm that. You are the caretaker to your sister in his eyes. If you don’t care for her, he will have to and if he doesn’t, he won’t be able to get any of her benefits to blow on his vices.
He cannot stop you from getting a job you want, hopefully, so please apply for better paying jobs without his knowledge, put your money in a different bank account and SAVE UP to move.
Who can you stay with if saving/job change isn’t immediately possible? Friends? Extended family who are on YOUR side and understand his problems?
You cannot change him. You cannot heal him. Only he can do that, and he has to want to get better for himself more than anything.
The money that you give him out of your labor is **enabling** him to continue to be **dependent** on her emotionally, and on you for income. (Look up those words).
I am sorry that you don’t feel safe in your current situation. I think the first step for you is to get some place where you do feel safe. I don’t think that living with your father is physically safe for you.
Once you do that, then you can think about your income situation and if you would like to work someplace else. Once you have income coming in, a full income, then you have the luxury of mobility and moving someplace else.
Once you have those things in check, your finances, a place where you feel safe, then your mental health will begin to return from having an independent space where you feel safe. You can begin to explore options for your sister, things like welfare, programs that can support her, charities, or even look into things like whether he is abusing a disabled person.
It’s just that I don’t see you being able to do any of those things because right now this plane is crashing and no one has their oxygen masks on. You have to put your oxygen mask on first.
I think your father knows exactly what he is doing, and that his living situation depends on you remaining repressed and giving him the free money. Those are some realizations that will be very unpleasant, save those for later.
Stop being a coward. Get a better paying job and move out. Your sister can move out with you or you can directly pay for your sister medical bills but stop directly giving your father any money.
Take care of your Dad, he gave you life. It will be hard but only thru pain comes redemption.