So, a little bit of context, me (30m) and my partner (30m) have been together for 11 years. I’ve always had a high sex-drive, and he did too in the beginning.
But even in the beginning it was always me who took the initiative around our sex lives. It was always me suggesting or wanting to try new things. Which, in the beginning, was fine. It was both our first sexual relationship with someone of the same sex, and it was his first time ever even having sexual contact with someone of the same sex. He was more sexually experienced then I was in general at the time, so i took me taking the lead as his way of showing a respect for me to go at my own pace.
He got diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue around 8 years ago. Which cut our sex life quite abit. But i was fine with that. He’s the love of my life, and still drives me wild.
But years go on, and nothing has changed. I’m still the one whos the primary instigator of anything sexual, and he hasn’t changed at all in his sexual habits.
There’s no foreplay directed at me, its all about him. Which I don’t mind most of the time as I love worshipping him and his body in the most sexually appreciative way that I can. Although, I would love it if he was the same way for me on occassion to.
We have talked many times before about it too. I’ve told him how i feel unnattractive, unwanted, unsexy. How i believe that he isn’t genuinely attracted to me, and just has sex with me every now and then to appease me. Because that’s exactly what if feels like.
And occasionally we’ll talk about things and he’ll admit that he does need to get better at things. But he just doesn’t.
He says that it takes a lot of energy to focus on that activity for so long, which i dont argue wirh because of his condition. But then he’ll spend weeks and months focused on physically demanding activities like working out when he can, or playing guitar, with no problem at all. And i just feel abit betrayed by it.
Sex for me isn’t a need. It is a language. Its how i express myself and one of the few times i allow myself some vulnerability and openness.
And I’m just so tired of feeling so sexually frustrated all the time. I’m tired of feeling unwanted and unsexy. And I’m tired of feeling guilty about it because of his chronic fatigue. And I’m tired of how selfish it makes me feel.
I love him so much, but its getting to the point where i am starting to resent him. I’m getting snippy about the lack of attention, which i notice immediately and feel even more guilty about. I’m so lost about it all. How do i fix this, or do I just accept that my sexual life will always be unfulfilled?
3 comments
This one may be above Reddit’s party grade, my friend. If you have talked without results, it might be time to get a therapist involved who can help make sense of things. My wife and I did, and it made a difference.
Oof, tough one. I totally get the guilt combined with the sexual frustration/unwanted feeling.
My therapist and I have not solved my very similar situation, but that’s without my wife participating in much of it, aside from my repeated conversations with her about it. Nothing has changed.
Based on your description I think it’ll take something changing in your communication for him to really get how it’s affecting you. If he is a loving partner and sees how much you hurt, he could decide he needs to put more effort into meeting your needs too.
I know for me at least I could be more emotionally vulnerable with my wife about how it makes me feel, and to make sure she really sees how much pain I feel rather than sparing her feelings to the detriment of our relationship. Easier said than done, especially with the guilt, but my understanding is the guilt is kind of a false-friend. It’s not really helping either of you and likely is hindering your ability to express what’s happening for you emotionally. Of course this is me projecting as well, so a therapist might be able to give you greater, less personal insight.
Chronic fatigue you can heal from and one of the easier things especially for men. I tend to avoid anyone with this as it requires dedication and effort both which most people don’t have. Nor do I want to spend a couple years waiting for them to heal. At least in certain plant based communities I follow there is a lot of success around that and a resurgence in sex drive. I’m still shocked how many young women have serious health issues or chronic fatigue that I’ve had to turn down, it’s crazy.