My partner and I have been together for five years married for two. We have always been very vocal about our sexual desires and wants with each other. I have a pretty high libido, and they say that they feel all the same want and desire as me. But they don’t act on it very often, or it seems it’s becoming difficult for them to do so without overthinking.
Recently we got into a fight because it has been over a week since they had wanted to do anything despite dropping hints about them wanting to and making minor physical moves. It really upset me and I’ve been dealing with feeling insecure because of these actions. It makes me feel unwanted and undesirable. I told them this and brought up that they don’t seem to want to masturbate or watch porn anymore. They used to on a normal basis, and now it’s never. They got upset saying that they just don’t do that anymore. And that’s it. I asked why they didn’t want to anymore and they said it didn’t have anything to do with want, they just don’t.
This really hurts for some reason, I know it shouldn’t probably and I guess it shouldn’t really matter. But it feels like that I dont bring them desires or feelings that result in them acting on it in that way. And I worry it means they are slowly losing interest. I used to be so confident in initiating but now just worry about something coming up and feeling rejected.
Should I care about the masturbation issue, am I overreacting? I’m not sure why this hurts so much and honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
Thanks for reading and for any thoughts. Please be kind…it’s been a rough few weeks..
5 comments
I obviously cannot speak for your partner, but my sex drive began to drop around my mid 20’s (I’m just shy of 30 now). It personally is not an issue for me and I do try my best to keep my husband sexually satisfied. I also always ask him if our sex life is okay. I’m big on communication and fixing a problem if there is one.
With that being said, I also stopped masturbating and watching porn. If it weren’t for my husband, I’d be 100% content with never engaging in a sexual activity again in my life.
None of my feelings surrounding how I feel have anything to do with my attraction or love for my husband. I still want and love him just as much now as I did on day one. But I can understand how the change might make someone feel suddenly undesirable.
There’s so many reasons someone’s drive can stop. Depression, medication, hormone imbalance, etc.
It’s very common for libido to change as people get older and as a relationship progresses (usually decreasing). Although there may be a lack of intimacy, love or appreciation that’s contributing, your partner may not even know why they feel less desire for sex, as much can be influenced by chemicals in the brain, not a distinct choice on their part. If your partner is interested in identifying potential causes for this, you could encourage them to see their doctor for a physical to rule out things like hormonal imbalances.
Your focus should not be on whether they watch porn or masturbate on their own time, but on how your sex life is affecting you/the relationship. A marriage counselor and/or sex therapist could be helpful, but that’s not an option for everyone, so I’d also suggest trying to discuss this when you’re able to approach it from a position of seeking to understand, rather than hurt and frustration. The goal should be to communicate how you are feeling, how they are feeling, and come up with mutually agreed-upon ways to try to improve those feelings. It also sounds like you would both benefit from identifying non-sexual ways that you can express love and appreciation, since you’re vocalizing that you feel unwanted and undesirable after just a week without sex. There will be times in life when sex isn’t an option, so being able to show care and affection to each other in non-sexual ways is a good habit to get into.
A lot of great answers and i wanted to add another facet. DOes your partner have anything else going on healthwise? My partners drop in sexual desire including masturbation was a sign for them to see a dr. There was smaller hints, weight gain, depression,etc but after blood work it was discovered to be a hormone issue. Once they figured out what was happening we werent going at it like 19 years agp, like others mention its very normal to skow down with age and not need sex as much but we both leave satisfied and feel its the right amount for where we are. I want to close with i am not a dr nor do i know all of your inner workings and i may be way off base.
How’s his health overall? There are a lot of factors that can affect someone’s libido, including weight, testosterone, exercise levels, diet, stress, and so on. Often these things can go hand in hand and become compounding factors as well. Has he been to a doctor lately for a routine checkup? Has he considered having his testosterone checked? If he has completely lost interest in sex, masturbation, pornography, etc there could be something going on.
Sex in relationships waxes and wanes like cycles of the moon or the unpredictable nature of weather.
You can go months, even years with very limited sex and both partners are fine with it, then one day out of nowhere, suddenly you’re both fucking like rabbits or exploring some new kink together.
All that said, if the imbalance is causing harm, and it sounds like this is, then you need better communication and exploration than what’s going on here.
A week without sex is *nothing*. Despite what reddit makes it look like, it’s very common for couples to take breaks, for libidos to change and shift, and a host of other things. It can take a week just for some health conditions to become apparent, for certain chemicals to leave the body if the cause is from outside factors. It can take days to get over internal distress if there’s an emotional component to it.
I recommend you talk very openly about tactics and approaches to maintain each other’s sexual health if there’s an imbalance. Changes to libido or even ability to have sex regularly WILL be normal in your marriage, especially as time goes. These changes can last a long time.
That said, sexual intimacy is important to a relationship but it doesn’t have to be “standard” it can take the form of many kinds of intimacy, together or alone but with each other’s support and love. You won’t know how to handle this without having a more structured conversation about how it makes you feel and how they can help you feel less rejected.