I thought I had met the greatest guy last year. We had so much fun together. At the same time, my mom was really sick and subsequently died while we were dating.
At one point while we were dating work got really stressful for him (or that’s what he told me), so I tried to be there the best I could. I thought this was a really good guy and I really trusted him and did a lot for him. It turns out he was trying to get back with his ex who lives in another city. He was seeing us both at the same time.
It’s been months of no contact, but I still feel so sad about this! He won’t admit it, he just deflects and gaslights but I’m sure about it. An apology would mean a lot, but I doubt I’ll ever get it.
I don’t know how to trust someone again. Anyone have tips who has been through it?
30 comments
Autumn comes. Leafs fall. Spring is here. Ancient Japanese saying. Probably.
It sucks, but you need to just move on and stop expecting an apology. You’re not going to get one.
So the best you can do is stop letting him live in your head rent-free.
The way to trust someone again is to learn which red flags you ignored.
Couldn’t be the greatest guy if he was cheating on you. Remember you deserve someone who loves you completely.
It will take some time but you will feel better. It’s so cliche but time does really heal all.
He has no respect for you! He probably won’t ever apologize. Block him. Go to surviving infidelity.com . It helped me with a cheating wife
Sorry this happened to you. It’s just the worst and so devastating. My advice, remove all contact (if you haven’t already) block his number, social media etc. And do not go looking at his. You’re not going to see anything that will please you. Do not expect an apology. And if he tries, dont allow him, don’t listen. Often cheaters only want to apologise as an absolution of guilt. Spend time with family and friends, exercise, walk, and follow your interests. It’s the ultimate cliché, but time really does help. Hope you’re OK.
As soon as you realize that cheats are part of our lives, you will move on. Stay true to yourself (do not go cheating around in revenge). Good luck ✌🏼
So sorry you went through this. Realize that you didn’t do anything whatsoever therefore forgiving him (or not) and turning the page and chapter is all you can do. His insecurities and desires and values dictates his decision and you don’t control this. Head up and just build a thicker wall of awareness and caution next time but don’t let it stop you from opening up your heart to someone else. For now, focus on self-love. Give yourself what you wish and concentrate on your life and your happiness. You got this QUEEN!
I’ve been cheated on once before in the past and it admittedly took me a long time to get over it. I liked her a lot but I came to realize that the problem wasn’t with me, it’s not that I wasn’t good enough or didn’t put enough of myself into the relationship. Many cheaters will say that it wasn’t their fault and that you’re the one to blame for it but we’re all responsible for our own actions. The fact is they didn’t value you enough to stay committed and they’re the one that is unsatisfied in the relationship.
There’s nothing you can do about that but to cut them off and find someone that appreciates you as much as you do to them. You deserve better because ultimately if they cheat once, they will find an excuse to do it again and you don’t need that inconsistency in your life and relationships. Someone that truly loves and cares for you will never allow someone else to get involved, communication is important and it’s critical to be able to voice your concerns when something isn’t going the way that you want with a relationship. They’re not recognizing your needs and they only care about themselves, even if they’re willing to hurt those around them to get what they want. You deserve someone who is willing to go that distance for you and make it work. You should be enough for them and it’s clear they aren’t making you a priority in their life. You need to cut your losses and find someone who does value you enough to make it work out
even if you get an apology its hard to really bounce back from that. sometimes you never really get over it. Ive been cheated on a bunch and Ive come to terms that Ill just never trust anyone enough. I can still date and have a gf and be fine. but my lack of trust towards people is something that constantly haunts me.
best advice I can give is just accept what has happened and just keep moving forward at whatever pace youre comfortable with. finding new love or dating for fun can be a great way to help push you forward. and so does spending time with your friends and family. focus on your hobbies and build yourself back as mucj as possible. before you know it, you will not have forgotten whats happened, but you will learn to cope and learn from it.
best of luck to you
sorry that happened Ive totally been there
he was just a small d
just forget about him, it is the biggest punishment – to met that guy one day in distant future and dont give a f about him or his story hahahaha
Make yourself three lists. Do it while you’re calm and can think things through.
First list: What do I want in a relationship: Love, trust, caring, companionship, someone to go on hikes with… Put whatever you want on the list, but keep in mind that it’s a wish list, not a hard list of requirements.
Second list: what kind of partner do I need for this relationship: Someone with compatible interests, loyal, employed…Again, it’s a wish list, but measure it against what and who you have now.
Third list: what kind of person should I be building myself as? Am I loyal and loving? Do I try to do my best…whatever qualities you want and admire in a potential mate? Are you working on being those yourself?
He’s not worth your time. He’s literally not worth it. He’s not a good person. He is a lair and a cheater. Guaranteed you are not the first one he’s cheated on. You won’t be the last. Keep telling yourself what he’s really like and not what he wanted you to see.
I’m going through the same right now. Dad passed away and then 6 months later found out my ex was cheating. I did get an apology and he had some ownership of the situation, but I can tell you it still doesn’t make it feel any easier or better. It’s still just as confusing and hurtful.
I think everyone is right. Time will heal it. Therapy can also help. I just started it because the cheating on top of my dad’s death and a few other deaths last year really was the icing on the cake.
Think about how he doesn’t even have the respect for you to admit what he did. He lies, gaslights, denies. He isn’t an honest person and he is only concerned with himself. You deserve someone who cares more about you and would never hurt you or put you in this situation. He actively chose to cheat knowing how much pain you’re in. He’s selfish.
Also kudos to the one month of no contact! That’s a huge step.
Cheating is always a problem with the cheater having weak character, not a problem with the person being cheated on. Cheaters sometimes like to blame their partners for why they cheat but this is just so they can justify their actions to themselves/others without feeling like a bad person. I feel like the motivation to cheat is a combination of low empathy+high entitlement (so they won’t feel bad about it) and low relationship satisfaction+poor communication skills (they dont know how to get what they want from their partner by communicating, so they cheat). There are lots of clues when people have low empathy – they may hate pets/animals or treat them poorly, they may brag about ripping people off or tricking someone, they may treat you or others poorly. Narcissists tend to be very entitled.. usually these people will tell you all day why they are so brilliant or great and how everyone else is so dumb or worse compared to them. These are all pretty obvious red flags I guess, though I feel like people fall for narcissists all the time because they do tend to be superficially successful and appear charming and confident, at least initially. Hope that helps a bit.
Aa for my own experience with a girl cheating on me when I was younger – the main signs I ignored were that she was pretty entitled and believed she was destined for greatness in her future career (not necessarily a bad thing to be optimistic, but unrealistically high ambitions can be a bit of a red flag in itself I think). She also showed zero empathy when I told her about a few fairly traumatic things I went through growing up.
There’s two types of people in thos world. People with integrity and people without. Those with no integrity will never be able to have a monogamous relationship till they fix the problems within themselves which means they have to hit rock bottom and even then more often than not they won’t change. If the person cheated on you I guarantee they will do it to someone else. Be thankful that you don’t have children with this person if you happen not to. And like every break up you should just move on and continue persuiting your passions and purpouse and start dating as soon as you feel ready to. Don’t call back, don’t try to talk or be freinds. Move the fuck on. Or be miserable and continuing the cycle of toxic co dependence that will ruin your life and make you hate yourself. I understand it’s harder for girls when the feelings of attraction are strong but you have to love yourself, see yourself worthy of more than some guy who constantly makes you look stupid and has no respect for you then keep running back to the guy. You only have yourself to blame in that case. I guarantee you just because a person can manipulate you and other women doesn’t mean he’s a man worth having. It’s all about integrity.
You have to get over the person first.
But then that isn’t the full answer to the question (getting over cheating is a harder one sometimes), you learn to let go. You can’t make a difference in whether someone will cheat on you or not. You can put an effort into your relationship, work harder on remembering respect for your partner (no matter the argument). These all don’t guarantee someone will be faithful, they can even just prolong the agony.
I guess you get over it by accepting grimly, that your partner can leave you if they don’t love you anymore and you need to be okay with that, even if you can’t feel good about it.
If someone doesn’t want to be with you then they’re not right for you. It doesn’t matter that you’re not right for them. It can feel like you wasted your years, but you always learn something. If you learnt to be a better partner maybe this will be what the next one really needs.
If you can’t let go of the fact you were cheated on, you could drive the next person away which is not right. It means you’re not ready for something new yet.
I wanted to say sorry for the loss of your mom. I’ve been cheated on and I’ve lost my dad and I couldn’t imagine going through both at the same time. I got over it by cutting contact, eventually forgiving but not forgetting or going back to him and time. I’m still getting over losing my dad. I went to grief counseling and I’m almost always in therapy because I have a mental health condition. I cannot reccomend therapy enough.
I had this happen and found out on Boxing Day, my ex didn’t say a word to me just carried on like normal. It was absolutely heart breaking. Not a word from him since and that is the hardest thing. Just know you’re not alone in this
I wish I had real advice but as someone who’s seen friends and family develop PTSD and severe trust issues that turned them into husks of their former selves after being cheated on, the best I can suggest is remove yourself from this person completely and look for positive enforcement, therapy if possible and look into hobbies or the like to occupy your mind at least.
You dont get over it, just remember the red flags.
Been there myself. Start with Welcome home by Najwa Zebian ( book)
You don’t need him to admit he caused you pain or apologise . You know how painful that was without him apologising for it . Sure , it’s nice to get an apology but do you really need it ? No. Focus on improving yourself . You will never be guaranteed a partner who won’t cheat. You can only choose to trust them and enjoy the experience you have with them.
From the way the situation sounds, this guy isn’t the kind of person to give genuine apologies, so why would you even want it?
It’s not going to be easy, but you have to move on.
I began running after I walked in on my first love sleeping with my roommates friend. For a little while after the crisis, I completely regressed and felt like a shell of myself. Then my therapist got me running.
Running not only saved my life. But it lead me down a path where I’m significantly better off from a career perspective, and catalyzed an entire emotional renaissance.
Running gave me absolutely everything and then some. I feel more in control of myself, I feel more energetic, and I’m constantly in a state where life feels more vibrant and colorful. I’m closer to my true self/inner child, or whatever you want to call it than I ever was with my previous partner.
Im now in a place where I dont need a partner to be happy, and I have all the patience in the world for *somebody I CAN trust* to come along.
I hated running before it all happened, I was one of those “I only run when somebody is chasing me” types.
All you have to do is run slow, keep at it for couple months, and listen to your body for when it needs rest, and when it doesn’t.
The mental and physical health benefits are nothing short of incredible. Increased blood flow to the brain results in better cognitive function, significantly increased mood, significantly reduced percieved stress, significantly reduced rates of major depression, significantly reduced risk of alzheimers, the list really goes on with regards to heart health, nervous and digestive system health, better reproductive health and of course, better muscular/skeletal health.
Running or an alternative form of low intensity cardio isn’t just a cure/treatment for various conditions mental and physical, it’s been apparent to researchers for over a decade now that it is as essential to good health as sleep and food.
First, it was nothing that you did or didn’t do. Second, the only person who can give you closure is yourself. Cheaters truly don’t care. Why would they? They’re getting the best of both worlds. The best thing you can do is take away the cheater’s power over you by cutting all ties. No further explanation is needed.
I think the best thing is to also stop giving people the benefit of the doubt. I took pity on basically a predator with his lies and manipulation… It was always he was busy at work, family problems, his mom is sick…. I’m so sorry that someone did this to you while your mom had just passed away. Fuck him and I hope his ex cheats on him back
The same way you get over any dating trauma: remember it’s probably not about you. He cheated on you because he’s selfish, avoidant, insecure, and/or just an asshole. It has nothing to do with your value or what you deserve. Men have cheated on, broken up with, lied to, manipulated, abused, used, and rejected the most beautiful women in the world. Intelligent, funny, kind, honest, women. The mothers of their children. Their wives of many years. Women they loved. Women who other men would do anything to have even a chance to be with. And guess what? The same applies to women who cheat on men.
Typically, there’s a psychological reason behind it. Some kind of trauma in their past or mental health problem (narcissists frequently cheat, for example). If he’s gaslighting you on top of it, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s a narcissist.
Forget him. Block him. Move on. And remember that it’s not about you. You deserve a healthy relationship with someone who respects you.
Remember that cheating says everything about them and nothing about you. Trust is important in a relationship. You can’t blame the next person for what someone else did. Take a look at your choices and think back at the red flags you might have missed or ignored and be aware. Judge people by their actions and not what they say. Take your time to get to know someone. And if it happens… move on knowing at least you had genuine intentions. Stay healthy at heart. But take care of yourself..
I’m sorry for your lost… must have been so hard to deal with this through all that. You deserve better.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this 🙁 when I got cheated on I was very hurt and it was like nothing I’d ever experienced before.
It made me have dark thoughts and carry a lot of negative energy, and I decided the person who cheated on me didn’t deserve to have that affect on me. It’s a lot of weight to carry and they’re not worth it.
I chose to let it go and forgive them, for my own sanity. I deserve to be happy and free so I let it go. What they did is a reflection of them, not of you. You have different morals than they do at the moment and they have their own internal battles to work through.
Like another commenter said, there were a lot of red flags that I ignored and the relationship shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did. I know I won’t make the same mistakes again. I hope you learn and grow from this as well. It’s unfortunate that we had to learn a lesson this way. All we can do now is move forward and leave the hurt in the past.
My advice. Work out. Value yourself more than any other person. It’s hard. I’m there right now. Still fighting myself when I get sad, ups and downs of hate and then regret. But the truth is that nobody is perfect and what happened happened and it might be a blessing in disguise. You’re worthy of someone who does not play with your peace.