My(42m) wife(40f) said something during sex that i cant seem to shake and need help processing it… first time post so hopefully this is formatted right bc i need some outside perspective.

Ok this will be long and messy….im sorry but here goes….
Ok… some back story..
My wife has a nerve condition w nerves in her face, and the medications have destroyed our sex life… this had been ongoing for the last decade, has steadily gotten worse, and finally came to a head NYE.
I have found myself in a relationship that no longer has any sexual aspects at all, and it’s caused a lot of resentment.

Around Halloween, i tried to address this and was told I’ll get over it…. i came home a few days later, and she smirked and told me she had a gift for me after the kids left for the evening .
The kids left to go watch a movie which set open a few hours for us, it was implied heavily that she intended on having sex w me and i was soo overjoyed… we do a little kissing downstairs and some heavy petting, she leads me upstairs for my “gift.”
It wasnt sex, it was a couple of sex toys for me to use to pleasure myself. Ahe said it was bc ahe has a low libido and now i can do it whenever i want…. it felt condescending.

I took this the wrong way im sure but it felt like a slap in the face, a “do it yourself ” type comment without the words. I shut down completely .

Eventually after a week or so i start using one of them without her knowing and even still felt sexually frustrated in our relationship. It came to head again new years eve day….
I asked her if she just didn’t like sex w me…. if there was anything i could do or change to make her more interested. Told her my insecurities about our relationship and that i thought several times over the years that perhaps she was getting pleasure outside of our marriage.

Now i have nothing to support those suspicions and shes never shown me any reason to doubt her.
But i have a life long friend, we will call him john, who over the years has become distant from me but very close w my wife.
She says hes like her brother but its always been a running joke that john is her “better” bf… (everyone says this)
I told her that i feel theres more than friendship there and she denied it and assured me there is not… that her medications make her libido low and bc of that ontop of the nerve issue itself she just doesn’t find herself interested.
John lives a few states away now but she has gone to his house over the years without me repeatedly. (With his sister, her mother and our kids, other mutual friends of ours… i was always invited but work schedules just never worked out)
I honestly dont believe my wife has or would cheat on me but ive always feared it and feared itd be him…. hes been single for years (to the point i actually asked if he was gay in private once) but he is VERY well off… has a million dollar home in a major US city and has only the best of everything. Where as we often find ourselves financially tight
This all leads me to be very insecure about their relationship but i try to stay strong and ignore thise feelings bc quite honestly i believe her.

That all being said she again assured me nothing was happening. We have a long detailed talk and discussed our sex life and likes and dislikes… she admitted to me that she finds it sexually exciting for me to masturbate for her. This has never been brought up or hinted at and i asked why…. she said that she didnt think id be interested in it and that was why she had gotten me the toys bc she really wanted to watch me do so and she wanted to masturbate watching me.
I was honestly surprised by all of this… i told her if she had told me this i would have understood and if there were things we could do that she was more into id be willing to try other things sexually to help us get through this.
She agreed to be truthful express herself more and for thenfirstntime in what felt like ages we had passionate sex… i mean the best sex weve had in years… she climaxed repeatedly and whenni was about to she told me to cum on her tits. This again was way out of left field, i went w it and pulled out and masturbated hard all over her chest to her obvious delight. I collapsed beside her and we layed there in euphoria until we both calmed.

I was in complete peace….

Since new years day we have discussed our love life and where we think things are lacking and have agreed to a scheduled date night and such… this brings me to yesterday.

I get off work and go home (shes on disability due to her medical condition) to find her w my daughters in the living room, shes very nicely dressed which is odd for her (bc she frequently stays in pjs if shes not leaving the house.) I didnt think too much of it and went upstairs to shower. After getting dressed she asked if i wanted to go out on a date tonight. I was surprised but happily and said yes. We went out to a very nice restaurant that we hadnt been to in a very artsy part of town. We had a fantastic dinner and great discussion about our lives. (I had posted in a support group for her condition and had many people tell me things we can do thatd make it all more pleasurable for her and help her w the low libido.)
We had a fantastic evening.
We went home, the kids had gotten back in and we went about our normal routine for the evening. I sent her a link to a new type of vibrator that was brought uo in my conversation on the support group bc she had asked me to send it to her later to look at. She went up to bed early and i was doing a few things downstairs till around 9 when i went upstairs.
She had been looking at the toys online and i layed beside her as she did so and we looked them over together. I had told her that a woman in the support group had told me if she overstimulates herself w multiple orgasams itll let her have like 15 to 20 mins of painless relaxation.

We discussed different toys and i ran my hands across her stomach and hips as we did so. Eventually i rubbed against her breast and found her nipples were rock hard (which is a huge turn on to me) and found myself slowly rubbing her breast as we talked and looked over toys.
She began rubbing me under the covers and it was amazing. She got visibly excited and retrieved a small viberator from the bedside and started pleassuring herself… i was fucking rock hard. As she did so she told me how she loved watching me masturbate and that she didnt know if i did so when alone (which i recently made clear to her that i do) but it made her horny. I stayed rubbing her body and letting her toy work its magic. She asked me when and how i maturbated and i told her, she asked me what porn i watched and i told her…. it was fantastic…. i should’ve left it at that….

Feeling very aroused and excited watching her i started to ask how often she pleasured herself and she told me it was very often. (Daily)

That kinda bothered me bc weve struggled to have this type intamacy but i didnt let it sway our discussion or acts. I kissed her neck and reveled in her pleasure… i asked her if she watched porn when she does it by herself and she said no… then proceeded to tell me she thinks of me….and sometimes john.

I wont lie my raging hard on collapsed. Thank god i had moved her hand to her own body atop her toy bc there was no hiding it.

I tried to stay into it and tried to continue. I squeezed her breast and asked you think of me and john?
And she looked nervously at me and said yes… and that i told her to be truthful about things. I nodded and kissed her again.
What do u think about with me and john?
(I figured a 3 some or something like that perhaps and was trying really hard not to ruin this moment)
And as she obviously starts climaxing again she says to me “dont worry youre always the big spoon”
She climaxes almost violently and starts to aggressively jerk me off until i cant hold it any longer… we both lay in silence for a long time before turning into bed.

Why the fuck did i ask her that…?
Now i cant get it out of my head…. not only does she masturbate to thoughts of my friend (the guy whos “like a brother” to her) but she maturbates to the thought of him and i together sexually….?

I really dont know how to process this….
When we were looking at toys earlier she had gestured to anal beads as a toy fir me to which i declined without much thought thinking it was a joke then she admits she masturbates to the fantasy of my friend and i having sex w me “being big spoon”

My brain is fucking exploding…. how to I respond from this????

29 comments

  1. Yeah she should never have said that.

    It’s okay to have fantasies like that. She could have easily said she has fantasies of being with multiple men WITHOUT naming your specific friend.

    The reason it’s troubling is because there is a real world possibility of John and her having an affair.

    Not saying she would, but they know and see each other. So planting that seed of doubt is not a good idea. Even if she would never actually do it.

    I would 100% address that. I would say,

    “listen I’m happy we’re having such open conversation, but hearing you talk about our mutual friend in a sexual way makes me very insecure. I don’t want to think of our friend that way. “

    Also you can’t sweat her getting herself off. While not having sex with you.

    You already figured out that she needs to be dated more and that sparked things in the bed room.

    This is so common. Women need to be dating weekly. You have to always treat them like you’re trying to win them over. They need to love and attention. It almost always translates into a healthy bedroom.

    But yeah I don’t know if I’d have a word with John too or not. Maybe just hash it out with your wife first and make sure that shit is not more than a fantasy.

  2. I just don’t understand… she has a low libido but masturbates daily? Doesn’t that just say that she doesn’t like the sexual interaction but still has a high libido?

  3. I can’t really think anything other than your Wife and John’s relationship has already crossed all the lines. The mutual masturbation kink and John being long distance may just be a coincidence, but it’s not where I’d be putting my money.

    Ignoring what feels like an almost obvious affair. After all the years of trying, why is it throwing John’s name in the ring that triggers her sexual awakening? Your conversation goes from ‘Are you cheating with John?’ to the best sex ever and sex on tap. Whereas the preceding decade had been barren…

    Cut to a couple of weeks later. You start seeming more happy and content now that you’re beginning to connect again. She throws John’s name into your intimacy. That feels like she’s testing the waters.

  4. Masturbating every day means she have a normal sex drive, just doesn’t want to have sex with you. Masturbating to some other ***specific guy*** is a deal breaker.

  7. Wow.. so you find out the guy you have always worried about and prodded her several times only to be told it’s completely plutonic, turns out to be her regular sexual fantasy? That will mess you up any and all ways. I bet you’ll end up having a low libido for her now the same way she has a low libido for you. The marriage will degrade into a loveless mess from here.

  8. This sounds like your marriage is over but you’re sticking around because you’re just desperate to fuck your wife.

    She mastrubates daily, never fucks you, visits John by herself, and has sexual fantasies about him (and you together). The homoerotic fantasies I could see/justify without all the other shit. Coupled with that… yeah homie, bad juju.

    To be honest, it sounds like you’re so desperate to fuck your wife, and so overjoyed to finally be having sexual interaction with her that you’re glossing over some mega red flags that she’s cheating on you. I’m not trying to insult you, just trying to convey how I see it and convey that you should keep a level head and evaluate this as if you’re an outsider evaluating a friend’s predicament.

    First things first is that she should absolutely not have any contact with John right now and potentially never again until you figure out if she’s actually cheated on you. If you want to try to save this marriage, couples therapy is a must and probably a sex therapist. That’s IF she hasn’t cheated on you. It’s extremely unfair that she go for years with no interest in sex and telling you to shut up and deal with it, to dropping this on you, and expect you to just deal with it, again…

    But honestly, if it were me I’d fuckin leave…. Too much damage there. The daily mastrubation with not having sex with you does not mean that she’s low libido, it means she’s low libido *for you*! That shit is not okay.

  14. Post a more concise version of this is r/BDSMadvice. It’s a common kink to enjoy imagining/seeing a partner be sexual with someone else. Your relationship sounds messy outside of that but you’ll get more informed advice there.

  15. Man you wrote a WHOLE LOTTA BULLSHIT!! I almost gave up before I got to the good part. So for anyone who can’t make it.

    TLDR: wife claims LL but masturbates daily to the thought of OPs fucking his best friend.

  17. OP

    Your post shows a couple that for the first time in years is openly and honestly communicating.

    Don’t let that stop now. You guys have to talk about this.

    Ton have to sit her her down and ask her every thing. And find out if anything has ever actually happened between them or if it’s just a fantasy of hers. And express your boundaries and insecurities with this if just fantasy

  18. Go to couples therapy you sound like you have multiple issues and Reddit isn’t going to be able to give advise on this complex issue

  19. Is your wife taking amitriptyline? I took it for years for a chronic pain issue and it does some weird shit to your libido.

    I still masturbated because I craved the release but physical intimacy from another human being made me nauseous. I would stiffen up and feel anxious at the idea of hugging my Mom, having sex with my husband, cuddling on the couch with my youngest kid. People touching me was awful. I felt physically and mentally disconnected from everyone around me.

    Nortriptyline and other TCAs are the same.

    I am off those meds now and we have sex every day. Often multiple times a day.

    Also, it’s okay to fantasize about shit that’s never going to happen. That’s why it’s called a fantasy. I fantasize about my husband and his friends gang banging me in the woods. Never gonna happen, but it’s fun to think about.

  24. Your smut writing needs work, F for creativity AND for poor writing skills in general.

  26. Waaaaaaaay too much detail about the level of hardness there man… this bullshit reads like a 1980s Penthouse Letter. I recommend taking more writing classes and condensing your thoughts into less pornographic levels of detail.

  29. Honestly dude, its probably just a kink like watching you go at yourself. Maybe she is kind of into the voyerism/taboo aspect of it all, youll have to ask her.

    Id just be honest with her, clearly it is what got you guys your sex life back.

    “Hey, I would like to talk about what you said last time we had sex. I understand having fantasies, but since John is someone we know and that you’re emotionally close to it squicked me out when you said you like to imagine us together. I’m happy to experiment with other kinks of yours, but I personally don’t think this one is for me and would prefer to not have it mentioned or played out in the bedroom when we are together.”

    Not shaming her, state that your uncomfortable with that idea, reassure you like other things, etc.

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