TL;DR option: My mom (54) and I (F22) argue a lot, and it’s like she has a hold on me. I break down crying every time, but it’s often not helpful criticism but just being very mean or saying rude comments towards me. I want to make sure if I leave, she’ll be able to take care of herself as she has chronic pain and no income of her own. I feel obligated to help her but I hate being home most of the time. Is the negativity bad for me and is this causing me to neglect myself? What should I do to help her and myself?
It’s been my mom (54) and I (F22) together forever it seems, but as I’ve gotten older there’s always some issue between us. We’ve gotten in a lot of heavy arguments, yet we will never stop caring or worrying about each other. She has multiple chronic pain conditions so I try to not argue with her as much but it’s hard when she’s making me feel bad about myself like I’m a bad daughter.
If I say something she doesn’t like or do something that upsets her, she says stuff like “I don’t like liars or fake people” (obviously meaning me). I know I’m neither of those things but it still hurts, and I always end up crying in front of her. I can never say how I really feel because I know I’ll just end up bursting into tears. I currently am her income, clean up the house and her messes, cook, and try to help her stay positive. Normal stuff anyone would do to help. But if she’s in bed all day because of her pain, I feel guilty for doing something with my boyfriend or friends when I know I shouldn’t, I just want her to be healthy and happy again.
It’s hard to be around her negativity and I often feel horrible about myself; sometimes if we’d fight, I legit couldn’t stop thinking about banging my head into a wall so that maybe I’d stop hurting. I’m all she has but she often says that she’s alone and probably better off that way. I want to live my life but I want to make sure she can take care of herself. Is it bad for me to still be here? Am I neglecting myself because of her? What should I do so that I can help her but also stop feeling like we have a bad relationship?
2 comments
Yes.
Move out.
Never speak to this nasty selfish negative rude unsupportive emotional vampire of a millstone ever again. She’s appalling and she’s ruining your life. The guilt you feel is not appropriate: you owe her nothing, and that goes double the way she treats you. She *deserves* to be alone and in pain.
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>I want to live my life
good. go do that.
>I want to make sure she can take care of herself.
why? she is horrible to you. why would you want to REWARD that by staying to look after her? why would you want MORE of that?
>Is it bad for me to still be here?
VERY BAD! So bad that it’s brainwashed you, so you can’t even see how bad it is.
>Am I neglecting myself because of her?
YES!
>What should I do so that I can help her
don’t help her.
>stop feeling like we have a bad relationship?
But you do. And that is her fault, not yours.
TLDR the hell with her, move out.
Your mom doesn’t like herself, hates her life, and it’s coming out as rage at a world she believes is personally against her. And since you’re a convenient (captive) target, all that rage is directed at you.
This has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Your mother would attack *anyone* who was in constant close contact with her. It’s how she deals with her feelings of shame and helplessness. And she’s passing those feelings of shame and helplessness on to you. Your post is full of them, and if you read it back through the eyes of someone reading this as a stranger, you’ll see it.