Im 38 yo single male. My buddy is 36 yo married male with four kids, my godkids. We’ve been good friends for 12 years. Being single, I’ve cast a lot of emotional burden on him with my life – one of those trying to figure out my sexuality and calling in life.
At times, I know I’ve been overbearing. We work together so I message him every morning with funny gif and ask how’s he’s doing. I also recognize that I’m always asking him to hang out and do something. I’ve gotten better about not getting hurt when he can’t and instead offer to help or wish him well with whatever is going on. All that said, I decided to pull back the last 6 weeks and give him space. He recognized this and appreciated it.
Last night, post a day of skiing and drinking together, he started crying and said I really need space. It’s hard on my wife and I with you being single. If you could just find a wife it could be so much better.
He told me I’m killing (positively) life and he’s very grateful for luxuries I share with him and his family. He also told me he knows its not malicious intentions on my part. Lastly he said it feels like I’m his 5th kid at times and I stress him out. He said I can’t be your #1 anymore, but I can be your #2.
I told him I just want to reset our friendship and just be friends hanging out and doing stuff, not emotional support 24/7 for me. What else can I do to fix/stabilize this relationship?
TLDR: 1) How do you react to friend trying to cast you to a straight relationship? 2) What do you make of a straight friend crying and saying he just needs space?
24 comments
What did he say when you asked him what he needs from you?
Give him space. Relationship or not, seems you need to diversify your friend portfolio. Your weight is too much for him alone.
Good on you for recognizing that a man with a wife and 4 kids can’t always “hang out and do something” with you.
>he said it feels like I’m his 5th kid at times and I stress him out
Because you are still demanding too much of him. 4 kids is a _lot_ to have on his plate, and you’re not just demanding of his physical presence (“hanging out”), but also his mental energy (sending him texts every morning). And I know you’re going to say “but he doesn’t have to reply right away!”…but he still _has_ to reply, and that’s one more task he has to add to his schedule: managing you.
Look. Your friend is not responsible for you having no one else to talk to, and he’s _definitely_ not obligated to be at your beck and call for texting or hanging out or _figuring out your sexuality_. If you suspect you have feelings for him, back off! He’s married, he’s off-limits to you forever. If you’re hovering for scraps of romantic affection, stop that and move on; it’s dishonest to him, yourself, his wife, and their children.
Give your friend more time and space. Text him 2-3 times per week at most with memes and stuff. Hang out _probably_ once a month if he can. Again, the man has kids and other commitments aside from you. He has to spend time on his own family and his own hobbies before he can get to you. You are not a priority, and that’s normal and fine; if you approach your new friendship from that angle, you’ll both find it much healthier and easier to interact with each other.
Oooof OP – on the one hand, you have had a friend that you could be vulnerable with and that’s a good thing. But it sounds like you’ve also been using him as a therapist. That’s … not appropriate.
It’s on you to take responsibility for your own emotional growth and exploration. Getting a trained therapist would be better – and less confusing.
I’m not gonna lie – having that much interaction with a friend, when I had four kids and a wife already, would be a lot for anyone to deal with. At least he actually told you that he was feeling overwhelmed. Many men would have just distanced themselves from you. “Quiet Quitting – Friendship Style” as it were.
No one else is responsible for our emotions. Sharing them is good – but there are reasonable boundaries that NEED to be established and expected. And the same goes for time as well – if you’re monopolizing your friends’ time and getting hurt or upset when they are reluctant to spend time with you, it’s your responsibility to pay attention to this and respect that they have their own lives, emotions and responsibilities – and then to give them the time that they need to deal with that.
Sounds like this has been a wakeup call for you, OP – please take what happened as a lesson, and focus on yourself, and what it is that you’re trying to fix inside yourself by hanging around with your friend as much as possible. Nobody else can fill that hole inside of you but you.
Sounds like an emotional affair. Good boundaries going forward will help you see him as a friend and not whatever you see him as now.
Particularly troubling that you mention figuring out your sexuality with him, then the TLDR says he’s trying to cast you into a “straight” relationship.
Were you romantically involved in the past?
Also to be clear, and not an excuse. Him and his wife both cast their relationship woes on me and that’s tough too. I think boundaries just need reset.
I would try to diversify your social/emotional support. A therapist can be a good start if you don’t have one.
I would try to focus on your well-being as you make this change. You need a more intimate friendship than your friend wants, and that’s ok. Your friend is able to get social support from his wife, but you don’t need a romantic partner to get the type of support you want.
I’m not going to try to analyze the quality of your friendship, or your friend. I feel that you can do a better job of that than me. But I suspect as you get more connections, you will naturally pull away from your friend.
Good luck OP! Thanks for sharing
It sounds like he only wants to be friends with you if you pretend to be someone else. That’s not friendship.
I think this has been a one-sided relationship for longer than you realize. He’s acting as your therapist despite being responsible for a large, dependent family, and he’s only willing to be friends if you pretend to be straight.
I would pull *way* back from this relationship because it is very unhealthy (however nice it might have been in ignorance way back when), and put all of that energy you’ve been investing in him into finding a therapist and then some other friends. Preferably not homophobic ones.
This is why I backed off when my friends got into relationships. It sucks being chronically single while your friends pair up. It’s not easy to find new single friends.
He needs space but that space can’t be created in a healthy way until you have more friends. He probably feels torn up because his absence from your life is hurting you, but he also just can’t put as much energy to it anymore so he is stretched super thin and possibly neglecting his own needs to fulfill everyone elses.
He needs you to find other sources of support, not move away from him entirely but “time” and “space” will not help if you just spend that time alone and waiting for him
Um- telling you that you need to be married is lame. The fact is that unfortunately men have far fewer friends than women do and that’s why they depend on relationships so much. Take up new hobbies, go to events and meet new people. Expand your social circle and get in therapy. All of this will help. A friend with 4 kids has limited time.
The friendship you’re trying to have with this guy is way too intense.
1. He’s straight, he’ll never want to connect with you on a deeply existential level.
2. He has wife and kids, which takes up most of his energy and time.
Just back off and listen to what he’s saying. Most guys don’t share funny memes every morning, don’t talk about anything deep, and don’t burden each other with their problems.
I feel like it’s a bit of a faux pass to say dont tell your mates if everything is not OK, but consider therapy, and trying to make more friends than just this guy.
You’re close to being cut off cause I’ve had friends like you, and they’re bloody exhausting.
“What can I do”
Nothing, literally.
Give him space, which means, do nothing for a bit. And try and make interactions for the both of them positive. It’s fine to vent and lean on people, sometimes. They clearly need a little less, so you know, try and give them some positivity and space.
Your friendship, I feel, will be fine
Seems like OP is so invested in his friend’s and kids’ life that he really hasn’t nurtured himself and his own hobbies.
I get that you want that relationship, but your friend doesn’t and that’s okay.
–1. He’s not responsible for your feelings. If he says you need to stop, stop.
–2. He’s kind of being a donkey. It’s one thing to ask for space. It’s another to be openly homophobic and rude to the point that you point out someone’s singleness.
–3. Badgering him for affection isn’t helping you.
Why are you willing to put so much effort into a relationship with someone who doesn’t accept you and/or reciprocate?
Harsh words, I know, but it’s just not going to work out. I think you’d be better off weaning yourself off of this “friendship” completely. Maybe therapy is in order, too, within the next month.
Lmk if you need any other help or clarification. 🙂 <3
Get into therapy to get the emotional support you need
Enroll in some new in person activities and attend regularly so you can build up a community
Reach out to your family more and send more messages to them
Try checking in with him once a week, instead of messaging him every day
As a plan of action, stop texting him daily. Go to maybe twice a week, and ask him/his kids to hang out twice a month at most. For a while, talk less about your life goals, and more superficially about what is going on in both your lives.
It sounds like the situation is fixed and y’all have open communication.
I would talk about needing more support sometimes and happy to not get support sometimes.
A big thing I see is don’t blame the wife. She is in a life long relationship and to my knowledge outside “forces” are not a good thing to battle against. (They are internal allot of the time.)
Old friend, new boundaries.
I think he just doesn’t want to be your friend so he is making excuses.
You should get a therapist. It’s not normal to put emotional burdens on your friends.
You’re treating your friend like a partner. Do you have feelings for him? It sounds like you are a little too attached to him… he has kids and a wife already. What is stopping you from finding a partner?
It seems like he is not OK with you being bi-sexual. Yes, you are bit much for him. And he told you. That’s itself is perfectly fine.
However if he isn’t fine with you being Bi then I would re evaluate the whole friendship. You deserve to be friends that support you for who you are.
That’s something you guys figure out on your own and take a HUGE step back from the family.
Get some other friends, and more urgently, a therapist.
Find other single people who share your hobbies and interest. Its just a different dynamic when your friends are married with kids. Their headspace is now occupied with their family, as it should be. Go live your best life, OP. You got this.
It sounds like he’s a good mate, the fact he’s talking to you about this and not just brushing you off hoping you’ll go away speaks volumes
Can I suggest putting yourself out into other social groups, try and make new friends you can turn too, not just rely on one friend, could help
You meet a partner. There’s a website Meetup you can search groups in your area of all different categories I.e. social, sport, knitting etc
I’ve been there, I have a few friends who get long messages every time I’ve had my heart broken or when the BF does something that upsets me and I know they must think the worst of me every time I start, maybe find another outlet like a diary or somewhere to get things off your chest without always turn to your friend