My wife and I have been together for 10 years. We married in our mid 20s but I was her very first (we waited until marriage but I was with other woman in the past). She is SUPER HOT…. like an absolute 10 for body and mind. Independent, loyal, takes care of herself, sexy….a real woman. She has NEVER masturbated. Seriously. Never had an orgasm. Refuses to use any toys and hates vibrations of any kind of her body. I am the complete opposite and have tried for years to pleasure her and she always pushes me away or doesn’t let me touch her down there. We have talked about it so many times with zero outcomes. I have shared so much about what Im feeling and I don’t know what else to do. Its been like this since our first night together.
She hasn’t had sexual trauma or anything like that. She’s just, not interested it seems. Im not trying to pressure her to do anything. I just want to have a partner in bed and to be able to communicate our desires (which I have done to no avail), and not be the only one to ever initiate sex. She gets distracted and seems bored most of the time.
I know this all sounds like I am not able to live up to her, but let me tell you that I have tried all of the tricks to get her excited about sex. Our relationship is great, we have two wonderful kids and we have never felt closer than we do right now, but nothing in bed has changed. She just doesn’t feel anything.
For 10 years I have had to be the one to initiate sex and it always makes me feel like I am doing something wrong. I desperately want to pleasure her and make her feel fulfilled in every way, but I have tried everything. Ive even considered just stopping initiating sex with her to see if she eventually would, but Im afraid she could go the rest of her life without thinking about sex. Its also become a huge problem because Ive never once stopped desiring her. I think about her like that constantly and it makes me feel like a creep.
What can I do to put more passion in our lives?
6 comments
You can try manually, gently, massage her clitoris. However, it sounds like you have greatly mismatched libido. It could be that she just doesn’t desire you. What ever the reason you have to figure out if you can be okay with this going forward. If not maybe look at moving on from this marriage. I would say you should talk to her and ask her Why she isnt interested. Does she deny you bedroom fun? If so then that can build up resentment for you. Communicate communicate communicate.
Well, if you didn’t have kids I’d say that the best thing to do would probably be to admit defeat and divorce and find someone who actually wants you.
Since you have kids, if you haven’t consulted with a therapist yet, that would be the next step.
I’m someone who has identified as asexual my entire life. If she is ace, you will not change how she feels.
Sometimes ace people have fetishes or things outside of people that turn them on. You could see if exploring fiction or kinks might turn her on. For me, when I’ve had sexual partners, I’ve always kept it as an open relationship (as in letting my partners have sex with other people). I find that it works great.
It might not be what your wife approves of or wants, but you need to advocate for yourself. If you’re not getting the satisfaction you need, then you have three options: accept this life, propose something a bit out of the box, or divorce.
Man, this really sucks
I spent a majority of my life thinking was asexual everytbing you wrote about your wife is something i could have written about myself at one point. Ive been with my fiancé 5 years and Sex with him was “cool” I could take it or leave it. I’ve lately discovered over the past few months or maybe year that I’m super into the whole domination thing and it’s been a game changer in my whole life and sex life. Maybe try some films like fifty shades. Sex life on Netflix was a film that was truly an eye opener for me in terms of what I needed in my sex life and desired. Hope this helps
I’m not convinced that therapy would solve this, she is the way she is and nothing you do will change that.
Try therapy, but you may have to consider moving on if this is important enough for you in your life.