I [25M] feel like I cannot trust my partner anymore [36M]. Am I projecting my trust issues on him?

I’m going to try and keep this concise as possible so I don’t ramble unnecessarily. However, I feel that I have to explain a little about our past to provide enough context about us both.

My partner and I have been together for 15 months now. We met through work, and still work together, and exist in the same rather heavily involved social circle.

Prior to us being together, he was in a decade-long relationship that he tells me had gradually become ‘loveless’. He and his ex had waived their sexual exclusivity (which he says was his ex’s idea) and they were more friends than lovers, the spark long gone. We met when he was in this relationship and our ‘hookups’ began to materialise into something more. Great chemistry, and real excitement to spend more time with one another. He pretty much went from being in that relationship to being in this relationship, without spending any time single. He has said though that given they were in an open relationship, it felt somewhat like he had been living as single for a few years. I’m including this as I think it’s relevant in the long run.

At the time I’d been single for 3 years. In my prior relationship, I was deeply hurt when I found out my partner had been cheating on me, whilst at an event meeting their entire extended family. It was a messy situation and it really damaged my ability to trust people. Over time I’ve gotten better with this. With my current partner, in hindsight I was only continuing to hook up with him because I liked him more than I wanted to admit, but had already accepted that he would never leave his partner. He had told me on a few occasions that he still loved him – and asked for me to let him know if I was ever catching feelings. I tried my best to hide this fact, but ultimately it came to a head after 9 months of hooking up, when I told him I couldn’t continue in this situationship anymore, but wanted to remain civil. He broke up with his ex a few days later, and let me know that he had done that, and asked if we wanted to start casually dating properly. We became exclusive/’official’ 2 months afterwards. He is still ~~friends~~ (edit: civil) with his ex for the purpose of maintaining his social circle, and I have always trusted him enough to be okay with that.

Fast forward to the present day. We have met one another’s families. We spend a lot of time together. We don’t live together, but about a 5 minute walk from eachother’s place. We have expressed our love for one another, though it has taken him significantly more time to say those words back to me. I’ve always done my best to be patient knowing that the word carries a lot of weight given his past.

A couple months ago, for the first time in our relationship, my gut was telling me something was wrong. We had had sex the night before and I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I just didn’t feel right about something. I felt like a crazy person, but just needed my fears to be quelled, and downloaded *Grindr* to see if he was on there. Turns out he was, with a faceless profile, but seemingly looking to have sexual chats with people. The profile said it had been there for under a week, which in part explains why that gut feeling I had felt so foreign, but I was devastated.

I ultimately brought it up with him and we had a long, emotional conversation. He initially denied it, but when it became clear that I knew it could only be him, he fessed up. He put it out on the table that he was so embarrassed as it comes from a place of wanting attention, knowing that the spark we had had somewhat disappeared, but he still loved me and feels awful for doing it. He maintained that he never physically met up with anyone, and that is something I believed and still believe today. He explained to me that he wanted more sexual attention, or just wanted something that was a little more personal/exciting/interactive than porn, but would never cheat on me. I felt that he was being honest, given how much information he was giving me about his desires that he was embarrassed about, but it didn’t hurt any less. I could have broken up with him on the spot, but after he basically bore all to me, and apologised profusely, and we both became emotional, I decided not to break up with him. I explained in great depth about the reasons why this hurt so much, the deceitfulness more than anything, especially since he knows my past experience and how paranoid it made me. He agreed to me that he would work harder to communicate honestly with me in the future, as we’d agreed our lack of ability to communicate with one another had become a problem we hadn’t addressed.

Anyway. Present day. I am here again, feeling like not much has changed. We were away from each other over the holidays as his family live on the other side of the world, and he spent the holidays with them. I have not checked any of the apps, but it’s taking a lot of self control to not go prying. I want to drill this lack of trust out of me, but ultimately this now feels like I might be working too hard at something that is dead in the water and unsalvageable.

More than anything, I just, possibly rather selfishly, want to feel valid. That I’m not crazy for not being able to trust him anymore. I hate that I can’t trust him anymore, but I feel like it’s a fundamental part of the relationship that I’m struggling to rebuild in my brain. I don’t want to hurt him, and I know he feels powerless to resolve the situation. If we were to break up, I do believe it can be amicable. I probably come across as needy in this post, but ultimately I’m not afraid of being alone, and I think we would make great friends at this point. But my head is now telling me that he’s probably not actually as ready for a relationship as he perhaps thought, but perhaps neither am I.

So much for keeping it concise. If you made it this far, thank you for reading 🙂

**TL;DR:** Been with my partner for 15 months. Caught him on a hookup app a couple months ago and he claims he just wanted some more sexual attention, that he felt awful for it, and he would work on himself. Nothing has happened since, but over the holidays I’ve just found it harder and harder to regain trust. My past informs my trust issues, and I want to validate that I’m not projecting them onto this relationship in an unjust manner.