Went to a club for the first time. Never felt more alone

48 comments

1. did you try talking to any girls while you were at the club?

2. Did you approach anyone?

   Some people just don’t vibe in big dance spaces. Have you tried smaller settings, like hobby groups?

3. As a woman there’s no way I’d approach a man whos sat by himself all night. You’ve gotta be careful when out and about with drinks in your system and the guy by himself might be alone for a reason. Ya feel me?

4. Clubbing is the worst place to pick up girls.
   Everyone is there is to get drunk and dance with their group.
   Unless you’re some God in their eyes it’s impossible.
   I would try a bar maybe

5. If I can make a suggestion bro go and see your favorite band live talk about your favorite songs with strangers and you’ll be sure to make friends . I met a lot of great people at Social Distortion concerts

6. I completely resonated with what you said, felt that way many times. My advice, meeting people at bars/clubs “only” happens in the movies. The best way (I believe) to meet new people that interest you (and who knows, might become friends in the future) is to do what interest YOU. In a previous comment you said your hobbies are “boring”. Well, expand those hobbies and search for events/places that allocate for those hobbies. Live your life in the most full and interesting way, and then you will meet people. Although you NEED to get out your comfort zone… hope it helps! Good luck!

7. Club is the worst place to mingle. So loud there that you wouldn’t be able to hear

8. To be honest mate reading this post you really need to work on yourself and your self esteem. You’re very negative about yourself and believing that is true will radiate to others. I know dating these days as a male can be very difficult and you really have to strive to be successful, unless you’re in the top 20% of good looking blokes. By being positive you’ll get that same energy reciprocate I promise you!

   By reading your post (correct me if I’m wrong) you don’t have many friends or seemly hobbies. Try something new, something that’s outside of your comfort zone, a hobbies club or amateur sports team. Provides great opportunities to make friends and even potentially partners but you really need to push yourself.

   Wishing you all the best!

9. Get out on that dance floor and bust a move. Nothing speaks confidence like someone having fun on the dance floor

10. Let me give you a tip because it seems like it will help you a lot. You are going out with the expectation that being social takes zero effort, if you are decent looking, dress nice and are a good guy that people will gravitate towards you. When in reality, the vibe you put out to other people matters far more than any of those things. From the way you are describing it, you are sitting alone for 5 hours sulking in a corner, at a fucking dance club, completely oblivious to why no one wants anything to do with you. You need to start going to places with the intention of having fun doing whatever it is you went there to do, even if you don’t meet anyone doing it.

    And if you are intent on just going out for the purpose of meeting people, you need to start engaging the conversation. See a cool hat that someone is wearing, compliment them on it! See a cocktail in their hand, ask them what they’re drinking. A simple, “how’s your night going?” Can do wonders. Stop expecting the world to cater to you. Creating a social life if work, just like all relationships in life. Good luck dude.

11. Don’t go to clubs alone for the purpose of meeting people. Clubs are where people go to once they’re already friends.

    The way to make friends and meet people once you’re out of school is to find a group activity that you like to do and make it a routine. Find a volunteering event, a cooking class, an art class, a meet-up, something that happens once or twice a week and that offers opportunity to make conversation. Pick one or two and go to that consistently. Over time you start to see the same people and can start to make conversation over things that happened in the activity.

    The way to make friends is through common, repeated, mutually enjoyed activity. School makes it easy so once we’re out of school we have to work harder to meet new people.

    You do all this for the sake of meeting people and out of this you’ll have a better chance at finding someone to date.

12. Sitting at a table alone for 5 hours? Why would someone approach you, when you won’t approach them?

13. Brother reading that broke my heart. You should definitely work on yourself, not for attraction or other people but for yourself. You said in one comment that you don’t really know what you like and have little life experience. I’m 25 and have a lot life experience being born and raised in a ghetto surrounded by dealers and thief’s and let me tell you this, the most experience is gained in situations you fall into. Of course you have to try things out, like your night in the club, your sight of things got clearer. Try to get into things and hobby’s that are easy to join, maybe a gym or martial arts. Get used to see different faces, put a smile on and just start with greeting them and short eye contact. Start building friendships and relationships, a strong social circle which can support you and which you support. And as I, you also will fall into situations. For example, one of your new friends invites you to his houseparty and you meet a girl you resonate with, or just hang out with a group of friends you like and enjoy your time.

    Wish you the best

14. You gotta go, drink enough so that you don’t feel like taking things too seriously (not too much so that you’re dancing on tables or some shit), and then put yourself out there. I’m a shy woman and I guarantee that id sit at a table all alone too if I wasn’t friendly toward everyone I pass and wasn’t willing to make small talk with people.

    You gotta be open and casual. Even if everyone where you are is partnered up or in a group, it’s not that weird to be interactive with them as long as you’re not being creepy or explicitly flirting with someone else. Don’t approach people expecting them to be into you, even approach men and just chat with them and eventually something will lead you to a nice interaction.

    Also, I realize it’s hard to chat with people if you’re in a loud club so maybe try a more lowkey bar?

15. [deleted]

16. So you say you sat at a table for 5 hours and no one spoke to you.

    How many people did you approach and speak to?

    No one owes you a conversation or attention. If you want to talk to someone you’re gonna have to go and talk to them.

17. If your roomie is not up for going out, I suggest finding friends who will. I know it’s so easy to just say get friends, but a man with a group is much easier to approach instead of a single dude due to what others have said already. ALSO, what’s going on with the intense need to meet a girl? We all have needs, but are you fulfilling other needs in your life? Otherwise that one girl you meet is going to have to do a lot of heavy lifting and that’s just not fair for her. I don’t know you, so let me know if I’m not correct.

18. Where you live bud? I’ll hit up the club with ya….lol

19. Did you dance? Usually people have a few drinks and dance all night. I used to find cute guys and dance with them on the dance floor. If you sit at the table people will just think you’re not feeling well or just wanna be left alone.

20. “I sat by myself at a table in a club and just drank and didnt speak to anyone! Why isnt this working?!?!?”

    If you go somewhere on your own, with the intention of meeting people, dont cry and say it’s not working when you sat at a table by yourself for 5 hours.

    You want people to just spontaneously walk up to this *super interesting* (/s) guy sitting by himself, looking sorry for himself?

    But yes, it’s the world that is wrong and dating culture is fucked. Sitting in a corner talking to nobody and feeling sorry for yourself is 100% not the culprit

21. Do you have anyone to go with?

    How come your roommate won’t go out with you?

    Take up sports like pickleball or volleyball. That’s most likely a better place to meet people than a nightclub.

22. I went clubbing by myself few times n i did make acquaintances tbh.
    I am a girl n if i am approaching someone i d usually compliment their outfit/energy , one time i went to a group of friends n asked if they can help me choose a cocktail cz i am indecisive n i ended up hanging out with them all night .
    When guys approach me they usually ask if they can offer me sth to drink which is generous but dangerous n almost no girl accepts.
    I d say u can start with casual stuff on the dancing floor like i love the music / do you come here often / do you knw the djs name / are you celebrating a specific occasion ect n maybe the conversation will go naturally. Oh n asking for social media is a MUST .
    Also for you as a guy , i think approaching a group is better than approaching a single girl .
    If you re sober this will sound extreme. Alcohol helps make me less shy tho .

23. Don’t ever go to the club looking to meet someone. Go to the club to have a good time. When people see you having a good time they will want to join you.

    The more you seek the less you receive

24. My friend, here is what you need to work on – and forget about dating for a while;

    1. Build a social life, it’s hard and takes time but the payoff will be massive in overall happiness. It makes you a much more attractive dating partner. And, lots of people meet each other through friends… There are dating apps for guys to find friends (Bumble BFF for example). Give it a try, sometimes just 1 new contact can introduce you to lots of other people.
    2. Have hobbies. It doesn’t matter what it is, but I’d suggest something social. Join a sports club so you have team mates to hang out with, or even if it’s a solo hobby – do something. It’s fun for yourself and, again, makes you a more attractive partner too.

    These things are reinforcing in that you’ll meet more people, get more socially adept, have more to talk about, become more fun to be around… and so on.

    Just start small. Dating can come later, you’re super young still. Without some social life and shit to do when you’re on your own, and stories to talk about, dating will remain nearly impossible.

    Godspeed

25. Perhaps start a little ‘smaller’ now so to speak?

    Sounds like your roommate is a wash out so maybe try some bars/ smaller venues where you might feel generally more comfortable?

26. Have you tried tinder

27. Alone in a room full of aliens… The world is a strange place

28. Never too late to seek help, you aren’t alone in this struggle

29. i dont think clubs are a great place for meeting people, especially if you are alone and want something serious.

    and per einstein’s definition of insanity, stop going to bars by yourself dude, it’s clearly not a strategy that works for you. Join a hiking or running club. Join a softball team. Go to lectures for young people. Go to a classical concert. Idk what your interests are but there are lots of different organizations and groups that you could join that have other young people. It sounds like you need more friends too, and these would also be good ways of meeting new friends.

30. Dude, I’m the same age as you and just skimming through your replies I notice a few things.

    First on the club issue, you said you didn’t approach to talk to anyone. That will 99.9% of the time always result in nobody talking to you. You need to head to the smoking area, ask someone for a lighter and spark up a conversation from that, that’s just an example.

    Second of all and more importantly imo, I’ve noticed you say in a couple of your replies you have no friends or really any interests (you will have interests, you are just unaware of what they are) honestly THIS is what you have to fix first. Having a healthy social circle of friends and some interests and hobbies to get passionate about/get involved in will not only dramatically improve your confidence and overall mental health but will also open the opportunity to meeting women and having a healthy relationship.

    Trust me, entering a relationship with no friends or hobbies will probably hurt it in the long run because it can lead to you been more dependent and clingy than your partner and all round it might not be healthy.

    My advice would be to work on establishing a friend or 2 first and maybe develop some interests. Even if you create an interest like joining a gym, you might meet people there and develop a nicer body that in turns attract more women (not saying you have a horrible body or anything but everyone can improve) this might all sound like a pain and you might think “nah I just want to meet women” but it probably won’t take as long as it sounds. Within 6 months you could have an established few friends and some hobbies. Clearly just going to sit at bars and clubs isn’t working out so it’s time for a new tactic.

31. Based on your replies to comments, you’re ignoring all the good advice and just reaffirming your own negative perspective.

    1) if you want people to talk to you, you have to talk to them. Most people won’t want to approach someone who’s sitting by themself looking sorry for themself or like they don’t want to be there

    2) go to a place you actually enjoy

    3) find hobbies and interests, what excites you? Meet people through these hobbies because that’ll already create a positive environment and give you something to talk about. Have something interesting and positive to say about yourself and actually contribute something meaningful to a conversation.

    Stop making excuses, and put in the work. The work isn’t just going and sitting somewhere and complaining, it’s figuring out why what you’re doing isn’t working, and actually putting in the effort to do things that are more likely to work. You’ve gotten some great advice on here, I hope you’ll wake up and see it

32. Instead of clubs and bars, try to go to some dance classes like kizomba or lindy hop.

    There are usually more women than men in these classes. Plus, you will learn how to dance and communicate even without words, just body language.

33. Just wanted to say good for you going in the first place, it’s a step at least in the right direction

34. If according to yourself you are ok looking and you are going to a club…why are you not actually dancing?!? That is the main object of going to a club. If girls fancy you they will start to dance closer to you until it’s quite obvious. That’s when you say hi.

35. Same. Exact but I’m an attractive female. At least when you go out no one thinks your alone bc you must be an escort or women avoid you bc they’re intimidated/protective of their man. Men get an easier time in society doing night life alone. I do it and It’s a lot of implications why I’m alone. I do feel exactly the same as you in how tortuous it is when you’re seeing everyone live their lives out with friends you’re just like how is it so easy for them to do the basics and show up with others and enjoy life. I’ve tried bars, meet up’s, women groups, book clubs you name it. I go to socialize and find friends, a romance with a man is a bonus but my intention is to be social. I get everything you’re saying thanks for posting this.

36. Talk to people or bring friends lmao you can’t just go to a club and do nothing

37. You need to look up this guy Mystery. He wrote the book on picking up girls. Give it a read.

38. Two pieces of advice:

    1) going out alone, specifically to meet women is going to be perceived (by most) as odd/desperate.
    2) stop going out and trying to meet women. Go out, live your life and enjoy your hobbies in a way that allows you to interact with others who share your interests.
    Build a life that’s interesting and interesting people will find themselves interested in knowing more about that life.

39. I feel sorry for you. I’ve been in the same position. Went to a few bars by myself but nothing came out of it.

    Basically I wasn’t initiating any conversation. I was too busy waiting for some magical moment to arrive, or distracting myself with my phone.

    But if you keep trying, you’ll get there eventually. Sometimes you will get lucky, maybe even hit it off with someone you didn’t expect. I have seen girls go to bars alone, so it does happen.

    Personally, I think bars are better for meeting people because it’s easier for conversation. But if you like to dance, then clubs might be your style. Have you tried social dancing? Usually there is a lesson at the start that helps to introduce you to other people.

    For finding someone to talk to, just think of a compliment to make like, that’s a nice dress. Ask them what they are drinking, if they have any suggestions. Ask if they like the music. Be sure to ask their name and introduce yourself. There are lots of videos on how to create conversation.

    I would take baby steps if you’re not use to approaching people. Confidence is a quality to train and grow.

40. It trying to sound like an ass, but you can’t go anywhere and just not socialise but expect to meet people. You need to engage with people, start a conversation about anything. If you just sit at a table by yourself no one is going to come to you

41. When you’re alone and stationary, you create a bubble that people might have to penetrate to make contact. That’s relatively unlikely when compared to being more interactive and mobile. Have a couple of points or objects of interest that can be asked about; this is a quick way to increase small talk during the awkward first moments of connection. Have a few stories about yourself, and hold them back for appropriate moments, but don’t be very self deprecating when you first meet people. The best stories show you in a good light against a less interesting background.

    Some people think about those ideas and hear some kind of prod to be fake, and I get what that would be like, if we were to pretend to be a character who we aren’t, but I’m saying that we each have a lot of character and somehow forget to display that when we are trying to meet new people. Be a vibrant version of yourself.

    When you approach other peoples’ spaces, where they sit or stand and don’t move, it’s important to be respectful of distance and not come off as too pushy or desperate. Stand near them and ask an open ended question, and if they don’t play along then make a quick exit.

    If you reach out and it’s a welcome advance, you’ll get eye contact plus smiles. If you don’t, then just move on. Be sharp about it. There’s nothing wrong with being friendly to someone who won’t want to reciprocate. It only turns ugly when we don’t respect their expressions of (dis)interest.

42. You know where all the singles hang? At the dog park surprisingly. You can just walk around the dog park and ask “how old is your dog” or “what’s the dogs name”? Super chill environment- not as crowded as the club and ppl are friendly.

    I met so many ppl at the dog park. Even if you don’t have a dog, you can take a walk around and just randomly start conversations. I spoke to so many different people—and knew someone who met their significant other at the dog park and eventually got married believe it or not.

    Thought this might be more of a chill environment for ya. Good luck!

43. well, if you go sit at a table instead of dancing and trying to mingle, it will make it a bit hard to meet people. please don’t give up, try to build your confidence! maybe try therapy to work through insecurities. good luck! 🫶🏼

44. Do you search for the right things?

    I also tried finding joy in the social places media tries to convince us are normal. I took a bunch of drugs for some years and actually met a lot of very promiscuous people. All while my depression got worse and worse and everyone around me messed up their lives. Turned out I didn’t need all that, what I really needed was the meme I always laughed about: I needed Jesus.

    15 years of unsuccessfully clinically treated depressive disorder. Planned a suicide and last minute prayed to God for the first time, if he actually does exist, to relieve me of the melancholy and misery. Fell asleep that day and woke up the next day feeling different. Haven’t been depressed ever since that day. Went from 30 hours sleeping to 8 hours sleeping. Sobered up for good and found a ton of answers to lifes questions.

    What hasn’t changed is my view of humanity. But now I know the reasons…

    2. Timothy 3:

    But understand this: In the last days terrible times will come. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, without love of good, traitorous, reckless, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. Turn away from such as these!

    …

    You don’t need to have a lot of sexual encounters. You don’t need a bunch of crazy friends wearing pink hats doing a shuffle with two tequilas in each hand. You don’t need 1000 facebook friends and an instagram feed of you doing crazy things.

    Rather stick to what your heart tells you: HATE the world. For the world and worldly things belong to the devil.

    Love your next ones and love God! But there’s nothing good about the state of modern life. It’s the end of times… We strayed too far away from God.

    Maranatha! May the host of hosts bless you with living waters and guide you through our king!

45. My dude, a fairly good-looking F28 here. I’ve only been in a club once in my life — on the day of my graduation. Under no circumstances will I ever go to a club for whatever reason. To me, it’s the worst place to approach- or to be approached by someone.
    I’ve calmly and confidently accepted the fact that I dislike clubs and I recommend that you accept that about yourself, too. Please stop crucifying yourself for your lack of enthusiasm about clubbing and club women; embrace the fact that you are wired differently. There are tons of other places to approach women, especially higher-quality ones.

46. There are levels to being social. You sound like you’re very shy so I suggest going out and saying hello, giving eye contact, and smiling at 10 women a day. Don’t expect them to reciprocate a hello or a smile back. The purpose of this is to break you out of your shell.

    Once you feel comfortable doing that, continue saying hello to 10 women a day, but engage 1-3 women in a 30 second conversation using the situation or environment as an icebreaker. This will help you think on your feet when you talk to women.

    Once you get comfortable doing that, continue saying hello to 10 women a day, talking to 1-3 women for 30 seconds a day, but the last one is trying to get at least one woman’s number a day. The goal is not to get the girl, but how to take rejection. You will get rejected a lot but once you’re comfortable asking for a woman’s number (with the intent to date not be friends), you can go anywhere and meet women.

    Take baby steps to meet women and ultimately, you’ll start dating them. It always starts with something as simple as a smile, eye contact, and a greeting. I hope this helps. Don’t give up on yourself.

47. Maybe your body language looks too uncomfortable.

48. What are you doing at these bars and clubs? You know in order to get attention, you actually have to go up to people are start conversations. You actually have to be a very social person.

    Sitting in the corner watching everyone else have a good time, will only further send you into a depression.

    If you don’t have the guts to start a conversation with a person and keep their attention to you for an extended period of time while being funny and interesting, then clubbing and bar hopping isn’t for you.

    Unless you’re a social butterfly, going to clubs alone isn’t wise. Only the most confident people can go to clubs alone and mingle with a crowd and “fit in”.

    Women go to the clubs to have a good time with their circle of friends. If you don’t have the confidence and social ability to infiltrate that circle, you have no business being there, you’ll just become invisible.

    You need to attend social events with people in your area that are within your interests and go to those events. Biking, painting, movie nights, board games, video games, finance. Whatever the event is that you’re interesed in, find those events in your area and go there and meet like-minded people and grow your circle of friends. This will help build your level of confidence and you won’t be invisible anymore.