I’m not sure if it’s just part of my biology as a male, or teenage insecurity (I’m 17), or the way I was raised, but I find I’m quite competitive with others.
I’m very self aware of it, and I don’t think it really shows on the surface, but I do have to avoid certain things I like doing or else I’ll get too frustrated. (e.g. sports, board games, video games, etc.) Again, it doesn’t come out on the surface very often, it’s more of an internal feeling of failure or inadequacy.
I like to cooperate with others, and I find that I do so very well, but in my head I’m silently comparing myself and my abilities to others. My ego even silently hopes for others to fail so I can feel better about myself.
I find that it gets unhealthy and very self destructive, especially in intentionally competitive activities (again, sports, games, etc.)
Anyone overcome their internal competitiveness? If so, how did you do it? What about your mindset changed?
12 comments
It can, like you said be alot of things.
Alot of us aspiring cool/calm/collected guys were once headstrong young men like yourself. Life will rub your nose in it, if you turn it into a bad thing, as goes with most things. Life is about balance.
You seem to want to do/be better, you acknowledge your insecurities, and for fucks sake your only 17, you hopefully have a lot of life ahead, so focus on exactly who you want to be, and you try every day to become that. Youll get there if you do your part.
Ill leave it with this. When your on your way out of this life, “winning” wont mean a damn. The people you loved and laughed with are the only things that matter.
Hobbies
you’ll mellow out, most people with the wherewithal to realize they have a bit of a social quirk figure it out
I never really got over my competitiveness but rather learned to embrace it and associate competitiveness with hard work. It’s not necessarily about whether I won or lost, it’s more about whether I was satisfied with my efforts.
Me dunking on 5 year olds is not competitive because there was no hard work involved. I won against the lil kids but that doesn’t mean shit.
On the other hand if I’m training as hard as I can for a 100m sprint, if I lose it won’t be because the person outworked me. And if they did, I need to learn from that person and up my game. Express the frustration from losing as motivation to improve. Don’t get mad at your opponent but rather appreciate them. They’re the ones pushing you to be better.
If I work my ass off and win, then I have earned my chance to celebrate. It’s a great, positive feeling and something that everyone should strive for. You’ve identified a very passionate part of your personality. Don’t alienate and repress it. Practice embracing and directing your competitiveness as a motivator to find success and push through failure.
Very good you are aware of this at the age of 17. I would like to recommend to use that awareness to create and nurture mildness. Mildness in your own perception on your own behaviors. If you are feeling failure or inadequacy make a conscious attempt to phrase your thoughts more mild.
Also do you enjoy the sports and games where you get self destructive? If you still enjoy them those are great activities to learn new thought patterns and behaviors. If it is about winning, learn to lose. I was very competitive at chess, and would get frustrated when i lose, feeling dumb etc. Now i can see and appreciate a good move from my opponent and learn from it, instead of walking away frustrated. The game is so much more fun now.
I also moved to more individual sports, instead of teamsports where you are your own competitor, like running, climbing or cycling.
And if it is something you are interested in perhaps meditation is something for you?
All i am confident you’ll do fine, imo you are already on the right track just reflecting on your own thoughts and behaviors
Being competitive doesn’t have to be a problem, but hoping for others to fail isn’t healthy.
Focus your competitiveness to improve yourself instead.
Read {{Mindset}} by Carol Dweck
There are already some good answers here. I wanted to focus on this:
>I’m not sure if it’s just part of my biology as a male, or teenage insecurity (I’m 17), or the way I was raised,
Competitiveness is not a biologically male thing. Women are at least as competitive as men. They might channel the competitiveness into sports or games quite as much, but it’s there too.
I want to mention this because some people feel that they’re being less masculine if they aren’t overly competitive. That is not the case. Competitiveness can be found in anyone.
I say embrace the competitiveness and let that fuel to succeed. Be humble. Allow your competitive desire to lift others around you. Often times, competitive people find success in business and/or sales, which can lucrative.
You sound totally normal for 17. You’ll mellow with age. Don’t stress the small stuff.
Life is a competitive sport. Do not listen to people who are telling you competition is bad. It is natural, it is healthy and that’s what drives both individual and societal progress forward.
It’s all about perspective. Realize that non-toxic competition is actually cooperation in disguise. The thing that’s toxic comes down to bad sportmanship, not in the competition itself. If you notice people online gaming are being toxic, simply mute the chat.
In person, if you see someone pull off some amazing moves in say — basketball, like a step back 3 from Curry range, genuinely celebrate their greatness and seek to become better. You may realize that someone may respond in kind in the future when you consistently hit that same step back 3 from the logo.
In terms of comparing yourself to others. I had a big height insecurity for a little while, even at 5’11” which isn’t short nor tall, but very much average, I would see tall dudes walking around and say: “How can I compete with this guy? He can just walk into the room and women fawn all over him.
I think meditation helped me a lot with this, just accepting who I am, not really basing my value on who women fawn after. Now if that happens, I don’t get that weird sinking feeling that says: “I’m an invisible loser.” It’s more like,
“Oh, he probably gets that all the time. Also, this coffee is hitting today, I wonder what kind of cream they use.”