TLDR:
I’ve(31F) been with my BF(29M) for almost 6 years and he’s making me feel like he’s only with me to get a threesome out of it.
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Hey there all, I’ve never posted on here before obviously but I’m a longtime reader and thought I might as well reach out to get other peoples opinions on my current situation because I’m not majorly close to anyone IRL (And TBH, I would feel awkward AF to bring any of this up with family/friends)
Anyway, so as the title says I (31F) have been with my BF (29M) for nearly 6 years. We’re both fairly open minded sexually and try to be communicative, I’d like to say we’re pretty good most of the time. The problem I’m having is kind of an ongoing issue though in our relationship. I’m bisexual, I came out years before meeting my current BF, and while that’s part of who I am, it’s never been a big talking point in any of my relationships. It’s always been “I like you, you’re my type, lets go” kinda thing, the whole gender/genital thing hasn’t ever been a big deciding point for me. But since being with my current partner, it’s begun to feel borderline like he’s fetishizing my sexuality. He’s constantly asking me for a threesome. He’s essentially told me on more than one occasion (during arguments mind you, so maybe it’s just the heat of the moment) that one of the biggest reasons he even started to date me was because that could mean a potential threesome for him, etc.
I originally did agree to consider it but my stipulations have always been I want to know we have a good solid foundation before going on with it. You’d think after nearly 6 years we’d be there, but it’s the way he gets when he’s angry that makes me question if it’s really something that would benefit either of us. I feel like I’ve seen enough of my friends go into threesomes thinking it’s gonna be something it’s not and having someone resent the other so quickly, I’m skeptical that we’re in the right place to go there. And TBH, the majority of the time he brings it up, he’s already in a sour mood and it turns into this discussion where he ends up yelling at me, or saying some pretty scary stuff on occasion.
I have had a threesome before and it was fine, so I’m not entirely sure what my hangup is here, but I just can’t shake this feeling of being a stepping stone to get some notches on his belt or something. I know I’m probably coming off very rambly, but I’m just hoping to get as much as I can off my chest to paint a clear enough picture. I’m sure I come off whiny or maybe he comes off like a jerk, but outside of this one issue we’re pretty typically good. It’s just when this comes up, it seems like crap hits the fan and I’m not sure if I’m just getting in my own head about it or not. Any advice?
15 comments
Trust your feelings and move along, I feel like you’re trying to wear your shoes on the wrong feet. He isn’t your person.
He’s told you outright that he’s only in this for the threesome. If he hasn’t matured in six years, he’s not going to. Just go.
He’s been with you for 6years it’s a strong leap to say the “only reason he’s with you is because of a threesome”. That’s a lot of patience for a act that takes 30min lol
> that one of the biggest reasons he even started to date me was because that could mean a potential threesome for him, etc.
Uh… girl. C’mon. Read what you wrote.
It sounds like you’re not really interested in a threesome, in which case tell him clearly that no, it’s never going to happen. Look at how he reacts when you tell him that. Does he still want to be with you? Do you still want to be with him?
Lady, speaking from lots of experience, these boys/men don’t change. Bonus points for never if they’ve got narcissistic tendencies. The time you are together doesn’t matter – it’s just a number. What’s more important is the depth, quality, and ability to communicate and work through conflict in your relationship. If you were only dating him six months would you still be debating this issue?
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.
I asked you if these outbursts on his fantasy were more frequent recently, because I thoguht there was some catalyst. Guess not.
You should ask him why he brings it up when angry, as well as verbalize your boundaries to him. Tell him to chill it’s weird something like “we can have discussions about it like adults but mentioning it during a fight is counter productive and frankly self sabatoge on your part”. If you love the dude and this still doesn’t work — getting him to have a healthy conversation about kinks — then I agree either breakup or get someone to mediate like a therapist.
If you don’t want to have one, then don’t. It doesn’t matter the reasoning, you said no so it should be end of discussion.
Ask him, “If I choose to never do it then will you still be with me?”
Threesome aside if after 6 years you don’t feel like you have a solid foundation you aren’t in the right relationship
Being able to be open and honest about your sexuality and fantasies with your partner is a very positive and liberating thing; until it isn’t. I would ask him what is it about a threesome that is so appealing to him. Is it the idea of watching you and another woman being intimate? Is it an opportunity to have sex with someone else and not feel guilty or like it’s “cheating”? Will sex with you alone ever be enough to satisfy him? How does he feel about the whole concept of “opening up” your relationship? What if the tables turned and you regularly brought up such a strong desire to fool around with another man, with or without him?
You should have the threesome… Just not with him.
Safe to assume the 3some he wants is FFM and nothing else?
What you’re telling us is that this person doesn’t bring any good to your life, so why are you allowing them to be in it any longer? life is too short to allow shitty people to continue to exist in ito
Eventually he will get his threesome, with or without you.
If you don’t want to be with him because he’s an ass, that’s completely understandable.
On the other hand, if you want him to think you’re the absolute shit and that he’d do anything for you, you know how to go about it.