how can I help change how I’m feeling
Edit/more context
Thank you everyone for your feedback and reading my post. I just needed to vent. I wanted to give a lil bit more context about the situation.
– I did buy the house alone, he’s not on the title at all. Thank you for everyone that was worried about that! It’s been my dream and I wanted to take advantage of the low interest rates.
-He works but I make significantly more than he does. I make about 100-120k and started off at around 35k but now he’s at 55k. I try to keep our expenses low because of the differences in our income. I try to make it equitable for us when it comes to rent, because 50/50 isn’t equitable when there is a big wage gap.But it really felt like a slap in the face when he was overspending instead of saving his extra money.
-the second job(part time 4-8 hours) wasn’t to keep us afloat, it brought me an extra 400- 800 a week and it really helped me to save for the down payment. I don’t work there anymore.
-Sad girl is an inside joke amongst our friend group lol
-He’s not in a band, so I don’t know why he has so many petals😩 after the debt came to light and realized why I was making things equitable, he hasn’t touched his guitars (he said it makes him feel guilty/ashamed).
(28F)(29M) relationship or wellness advice needed
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years now. We got together right before the pandemic (winter 2019) and the quarantine really quickened the pace of our relationship. I feel like we’re facing a rough patch or maybe I’m going through a midlife crisis and I don’t know what to do. This will probably just be a vomit post of me airing out my dirty laundry.
I want to start off with saying that my boyfriend is a great guy. He is very sweet, charming, and a loveable bear. He’s always been there for me when I have had family drama and when I’ve had rough patches in life. I love that has been supportive in everything that I have wanted to do and is always cheering me on. He affectionately calls me his loveable sad girl. But there have been times where our dynamic hasn’t been balanced.
When we first started dating, he eould plan out really cute dates and go out. We texted a lot and saw each other as often as we could, even though we were semi long distance(about an hour or so drive). Our sex life was also great, our libidos were pretty matched. Long story short, shit seemed like it was going great.
Fast-forward to spring 2021,we decided to move in together into our first apartment. Adjusting to living with each other brought up challenges like bills, cleaning, responsibilities,etc. We were able to get through all that but I feel like it really has changed our dynamic. We went on less dates, less texting,and unfortunately less sex. We went from 4x-5x a week to maybe once a week at most.
Finances also started to become an issue. I don’t come from a privileged background; I moved out when I was 17 and had to learn to be financially independent and had to figure out how to “adult.” I don’t have a close relationship with either of my parents, so Ive had to do a lot on my own. He has not had to be too independent, he’s always had the financial support from his family. Because of this, I felt like I’ve had to be the more responsible one. He didn’t know how to manage his finances and live within his means. He carelessly spent his money on guitars, pedals, and computer stuff. While I paid for 2/3rds of the rent and had two jobs because I was trying to save up to buy our first home. Anyways during this time he was taking up a shitload of credit card debt, I think at the highest it was about 5k. On top of the debt, he had spent about 15k on guitars and guitar related things . He didn’t tell me any of this, so I thought he was budgeting accordingly. Well, I brought up traveling again because the quarantine restrictions were lifted and thought it was a perfect opportunity to go out. It led to a big fight because he said that he didn’t want to travel(when really he was just broke). During the fight he said something like,” I know that’s something important to you and not to me, maybe you should find someone who does blah blah.” We got over it and everything was fine.
Fast forward to his best friend getting married. Turns out the groom and best man had planned an expensive trip to Cancun. He was so excited for it and was more than happy to go on that trip. I brought up how he told me he didn’t want to go to Mexico with me because Mexico was dangerous and he didn’t want to travel in general. He said he had no choice but to go because he was the best man. It really hurt my feelings because we had had many fights about traveling. Why did he suddenly want to travel? Was it because it wasnt with me?
After the trip, he spilled the beans about his credit card debt. I was upset because here I was busting my ass to keep our expenses low and saving up for a house, when he was being irresponsible. He ended up giving me more control of his finances like spontaneous accountability checks, moving his money around, changing banks,and closing his sweetwater account.
Just venting here, there’s so much more but I just want to post. I love my boyfriend with all my heart, we have had a lot of great moments. but right now I feel sad in the relationship. I feel ugly because I initiate kisses and sex most of the time. He usually isn’t up for it or just seems overall annoyed. When I go out with my friends, thier boyfriends text them and just appear more into them. I brought that up to him and he said I shouldn’t be comparing relationships and that he does text me. he does but only because I initiate the conversations. I don’t think he would text me if I didnt text him first. He plans hangout with his friends and doesn’t really plan for us. I just want him to want to be more into me again. I don’t want to have these feelings of resentment.
TLDR: sad girl venting about only the downs of her relationship. what can I do so I don’t feel as sad?
5 comments
OP, why are you asking this like you being sad is the problem? You are sad because your boyfriend is deeply immature with finances and isn’t fulfilling your needs. This is not some fault of yours, he is the problem. You being sad is the logical result of having a partner who doesn’t contribute to your relationship properly.
Please, you cannot really be considering buying a house with this guy. Do you want to be his financial babysitter for the rest of your life? Do you want to be paying for this all yourself and then if you break up later, have to deal with that disaster? He isn’t going to change, he has you and his parents to back him up financially, so why would he?
You’re the one here, asking for help on how to fix things. But you can’t, because you are not causing his immaturity and lack of respect. He is doing that.
> He affectionately calls me his loveable sad girl
This doesn’t sound cute or desirable to me, unless I’m misunderstanding.
It’s easy for me to say, not being involved in the relationship. But this guy isn’t mature enough for the long-term relationship I feel you’re looking for. Lopsided finances easily cause resentment, and he hid things from you besides that.
Easier said than done, but I see two options
1. You two need to have separate living arrangements. He needs to show he can be an adult independently of you. Once he’s saved $xxxx for a down payment, you two can look for a house together.
2. Or, stay where you’re at and continue saving, but don’t give him any ownership of the home. Draw up a lease (lots for free online) and charge him rent. “But it’s not fair that I’m paying off your mortgage!” -> You’d be doing the same if it weren’t for me, and you’ve shown financial irresponsibility. I had to trim expenses and save for a down payment, you didn’t. He can have 50% ownership of the house when he saved the same downpayment as you plus your mortgage payments, and then you both split the monthly mortgage
I get what you are trying to do — basically take over and get him into a better financial place, but he isn’t learning how to manage his money this way. All he’s doing is sitting back and letting you fix things for him. The moment you toss everything back to him, he’ll be back to overspending and getting in debt, because he hasn’t put the work in to learn how to manage his finances. Worse, if you’ve got your name on these accounts, you are setting yourself up for taking on his debt and having your credit be trashed by his behavior.
Get yourself out of his finances. He’s an adult, he needs to learn how to manage his money, and the only way he’s going to learn how to do that is by actually doing that. Putting the time and energy in on it himself. He can take a class at the community college if he’s really inept, or there are on line courses and videos he can watch to help him figure this stuff out.
Think of it like this — if you want him to wash the dishes he’s never going to learn if you wash them for him. He’s going to have to put his hands in those suds and muck around until he figures out how to get them clean.
What you need to do is stop paying for him. He needs to pay his half of the rent and expenses.
Do not marry, have a kid, or buy a house with this guy until he’s got his act together.
He is almost 30 and you’re working two jobs to keep you guys afloat while he spends money on his imaginary band equipment? Please. This does not have to be your life! The fact that you are asking how not to be sad about this terrible situation shows you are looking at it from completely the wrong perspective.
It isn’t that he is not into you, it’s that he does not respect you, your time, your money, your desires, your dreams of traveling. Someone being nice to you when you are sad is the absolute minimum of an intimate relationship. You also deserve someone who doesn’t lie, who works to better themselves, who includes you in their plans, and who takes responsibility for their mistakes in a real way. You’re not his mom. You are still young. Finding someone to love is not easy, but being ‘in love’ with someone who makes your life worse is not better than being single.
Stop telling yourself that you need to be okay with this, because it’s not okay.
How much CC debt does he currently have? Is he paying off the debt?
I’ve been in a similar position to your bf, but I wasn’t irresponsible – I splurged on things that made me happy and paid of my CC debt quickly. Just because someone is ‘only’ on 55k (which is a perfectly respectable salary) doesn’t mean they should forgo all treats and things that make them happy. If the debt is being paid down regularly I think it isn’t an issue. You should be paying the bulk of the expenses, since you earn more than double what he does. It was nice of you to get a second job, but unless he agreed to forgo all ‘nice to haves’ then I don’t think there’s anything wrong with buying guitar pedals etc – what did you discuss before getting the second job?
It sounds like you expect him to stop buying nice things and save simply because you’re being nice by not charging him 50/50 rent and ‘keeping your (shared) expenses low.’ But… in my opinion… what you’re doing isn’t really a kindness. It’s just expected. Why would you pay your shared expenses 50/50 when you earn double what he does? Why would he pay rent to you in a house you own, that he has no equity in? If I found out my SO expected me to save money because I owe them that for paying more than 50% of expenses while earning so much more than me, I’d feel… resentful.
The sex and affection stuff is separate – if he’s not willing to budge there you should call it quits. However if you haven’t expressed how unhappy you are with it, all of it, I would fully, once. Then wait a month or so to see if anything changes – if not, you have your answer.