Flat roof pubs seem to usually be the same, they have a few locals, a group of young ones that play pool and do the odd dogdy deal in the carpark. A couple of old men that stare into their pale ale. The pub has tried various cuisines but still can’t seem to do chips properly and sub let’s it kitchen out as a takeaway. People eat the food out of the cartons in the pub. There are big sky sports banners all over the outside, but the pub hasn’t got a sky sports pub licence. Tracy behind the bar is getting divorced again and the regulars often try to cheer her up.
Quite often someone argues with someone else and they end up having a scrap, these are usually 2 mates who often play pool together but today it’s Dave (known locally as D man Dave) that wants to rip his shirt off. The floor is sticky and the patio is decorated with broken glass. Most people from the estate, most likely built in the 60s or 70s, don’t go to this pub because there is an old pub not to far away that is nothing like this pub.
What other landmarks or things can give instant judgement like this?
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Bloke that brings his on pool cue to the pub, one that’s in two bits and screws it together.
Bloke that puts £20 in the juke box and puts on 2 hours of pure shite.
– Betting shops
– Waitrose:Greggs ratio
– Whether the local Tesco Express / Sainsburys Local employs a bouncer/security bloke
NO BALL GAMES
The pub has at least one mobility scooter outside.
The Pub has multiple fellas in high vis work wear during the afternoon.
The off-licence keeps its booze locked up until you ask and pay for it.
Bonus points if said offie serves after hours for 50% surcharge.
Extra bonus points if it’s also a chicken shop (possibly a bit too urban for a flat-roof pub, though)
Virgin Media cabinet full of Strongbow cans and piss.
A chinese takeaway with the old stainless steel countertop. Filthy floors and windows. The big menu on the wall has stickers over the old prices with the new prices written on. You know there’s a chance of food poisoning…. but the food is banging!!
It can’t be a proper flat-roofed pub unless there’s a wolf-sized German Shepherd roaming around on it.
Guy goes round with a box trying to sell some cheap meat.
There is a dog on the roof of afore mentioned flat roofed establishment. One of the windows will be boarded up too. Meat raffle and a guy flogging wet fish from a basket going round. Vast car park, mostly empty and covered in broken glass. Locally all trees will have been stripped back to just a jagged stump, pavements will be uneven and broken or just a sea of patched tarmac that has started to disintegrate.
Sounds exactly like the pub in Still Game, I think it was called The Clansman.
Prefab housing
Bloke in the car park with the boot of his Cortina/Sierra/Mondeo open selling pirate VHS/pirate DVD/fully loaded firesticks – please delete as appropriate depending on which decade you remember.
Barber shop with Peaky Blinders character photos on walls .
A jar of pickled eggs that’s been at the same level since 2014. Someone knows someone’s dad who likes drinking the vinegar.
A string mop and tin bucket in the corridor outside the ladies. The water was last changed when our Kayleigh pissed in it.
An old couple having a knee trembler by the bins whilst smoking and holding a conversation with Sharon and Mick about bingo winnings.
Farting.
It does do food, if you class toasties, pickled eggs and scampi fries as food.
As for the area, it will have a playground that the council fairly recently replaced because they got some funding for deprived areas. Its covered in broken glass, rubbish, probably the odd needle, one one swing is functional and the slide is covered in piss.
I once walked away from a house viewing without even going inside because someone a couple of doors down on the street had Millwall and England flags hung up in their windows. So that.
Is the chain cafe on the high street a Costa, a Pret/Starbucks or a Patisserie Valerie?
Does the independent cafe on the high street have Formica tables or proper wooden ones?
That old phone box: Repurposed as a “Little Free Library”, or just standing derelict?
When do the public toilets get locked up for the night?
Empty silver nitrous canisters alongside the road
In some areas you see a small white tent on the High Street and know that it’s a stall selling olives as part of the weekly farmers’ market.
In other areas you see a small white tent on the High Street and know it’s a crime scene.
Abandoned furniture in the front garden
Ever drunk in a pub that only sells cans, because they’ve done their credit in at the brewery?
Girl pushing pram smoking cigarette, boyfriend in tow drinking can of energy drink. Both in tracksuits.
I wonder how long these sorts of places have left? Obviously there will always be dodgy local pubs with crap beer and a pool table. But the smoking ban and covid have cleared out a lot of the older generation, the younger generation seems to prefer to do weed and frankly can’t afford £5 a pint. There’s a ton of tradesmen with disposable cash who are doing more coke than they are Fosters. Spoons is drawing away most of the low-income/benefits crowd. Everyone’s got the dodgy firestick at home that lets them watch football on their 50 inch tvs – and I get the impression (not sure if this true) that the whole traditional thing of wanting to get away from the ‘missus’ has fallen away as she’s up for the drink as much as he is. Why spend £50 in the pub together when you can just stay at home and crack on with the wine whilst watching netflix.