Deciding on whether or not I can date my current boyfriend. We’ve been together 3 months. I’m 23f he is 31m. I want a house, marriage, and possibly children down the road. He is set on no marriage and no children/family, and no house. He is okay with renting forever. I am a practicing Catholic and he is atheist but we respect one another’s views.
I told him we need to come to an agreement or end things because we both have very different ideas for our future. We broke up, but we talked about it the next day and he said as long as there is compromise he would like to stay with me. Says he needs me in his life and as long as I am there he is happy. Marriage he said he can do but unsure about children. He said he is scared because he “cannot fail as a husband or a father” as he had a rough childhood.
Should we stay broken up? Or should I give this a chance? Part of me says we are too different and that marriage/children are things that cannot be compromised. Any advice/insight is appreciated. Thank you 💞
27 comments
How do you compromise between kids and not kids?
I don’t see a middle ground there.
Stay broken up. Those are major issues to disagree on. Please don’t try to convince him, find someone who wants what you want. Trust me, check out my last post from a few minutes ago
Don’t date this man.
Yeah I’m going to have to agree I think the difference in life goals is definitely to different to really work. Your still young and can find someone who’s goals work with your own
Doesn’t sound like you’re compatible
Not going to happen sorry
The things you’re listing are hardly compromises, they are sacrifices. I would say children are the #1 thing you should not compromise on for your partner. They change your life forever— no one should compromise on that. And at 31, he’s very unlikely to change him mind on the matter. If he did, it would be a sacrifice and one or both of you would become resentful.
OP as a fellow Catholic I would strongly suggest not marrying him. Can I PM you?
I mean you clearly dont love him deeply enough to sacrifice your live goals for him. That i of course dont expect. Just saying its a factor.
The children part okay i completly understand that this is extremly hard. But renting a house is not enough it has to be owned that is actually realy realy weird and specific.
How are you even catholic if you dont respect the wishes of your man that is another part. Everybody has a different view of his religion. But because YOU mentioned it.
Ephesians 5:22 KJV
Its just an example there are hundreads of it. I mean if you are a catholic that dont believe in the bible sure you do you.
The other part is he didnt say he dont want some. He says he is scared it wont work in a good way. Why dont build trust up so he would make children ?
The age difference is already a red flag. This man is probably dating someone so young as he knows that you probably don’t want to get married quickly.
Your values also seem very different
Marriage and children are core things that don’t have any realistic compromise position
You just ticked off like 4/5 *fundamental* relationship values that you don’t agree on
What is the question here?
Ask yourself if you want to get married and have kids for yourself because its something you desire, or something you feel obligated to do due to your religion.
stay broken up cause the alternative is FORCING him to do it your way IE marriage and kids. that is not a compromise.
best advice find someone that wants to get married and have kids with you, then no need for a compromise.
You know you’ll just hope changes his mind about children. How will the church feel about you marrying an athiest? It’s only been 3 months and you want him to change already.
You are too different. You’re Catholic, he’s an atheist, you want a house, he doesn’t, you want kids, he doesn’t, you want marriage, he doesn’t.
That’s a lot of really fucking huge differences in values and life goals. The only reason to stay together is if one or the other, or both of you want to make the other absolutely fucking miserable. Because that’s what’s going to happen even if you like or love each other now.
Your goals and values clearly don’t align.
He’s not the droid you’re looking for.
Move along…
What’s so great about this guy that you’d give up everything you want out of life for him?
There isn’t really a future here, you both want BIG different things, you seem to be the responsible adult in here while he wants to have a more carefree life. His excuses whether valid or not are a huge dealbreaker in this case. He can add whatever sad reason he might have but all of that just comes across as more excuses for him wanting to have things his way instead of compromising.
This feels like a rhetorical question since these are FUNDAMENTAL differences in a relationship
Break up. He has nothing to offer from what you want. Not a natural fit.
Stay broken up. You are like oil and water. There’s no way for you to be happy.
Children is the most important reason for marriage imo. I would find someone else
You find someone that has the same religious views as you.
The Catholic wedding ceremony is beautiful, You woukd miss out in this part especially if you’re practicing.
When you have children you would want your children to be baptized and to attend church. To make their sacraments and confirmation.
Religious holidays wouldn’t be celebrated as a family.
He has stated he wouldn’t want to fail as a father..so where does that leave him when he’s supposed to be the spiritual leader of the household.
Being in love and then creating a marriage and family are 2 superate things that you two do not see eye to eye.
I also stepped away from a relationship and yes it hurt but my views and what I believed in came first. Ironically in the end he found his religion.
You’re 23 and it’s been 3 months. I don’t see why you’re trying to find reason for compromise
3 months and you’re considering leaving all your goals behind to fit his idea of your future? You are too different and it’s not about the religion, it’s about your values and aspirations. Don’t settle for somebody who doesn’t want the same things as you do. He shouldn’t do this either. If he wants a child-free minimally committed life, he should have that life. He just shouldn’t expect you to change to fit his life. Nor should you expect this from him. There really isn’t room for compromises on the topics of marriage and children.
The first year of dating is the crucial time for figuring out whether you’re a good long-term match. You found your answer.
Won’t work. Liking, even loving each other is nice in the moment but to be able to build a life together it is simply not enough. If you get back with him that will lead down the road of lifetime misery.