We have been together for 14 years and I have never loved any man as much as I love him.
Everything was going well (or so I thought) until I had a feeling that something wasn’t right and decided to go through his phone. Unfortunately, I’ve found tons of messages with a subordinate from work. They had been messaging each other for a month. She’s a lot younger (24f) and gorgeous.
The were messaging each other everyday, in weekends, and also at late hours (like 1AM). The messages were mostly jokes and a lot of teasing (nothing sexual, though). They didn’t talk about sex/emotions/secrets/intimate stuff. However, the messages were TOO frequent and they would even send each other pictures of places they were visiting or food. He even sent her pictures of the resort we were staying at during the weekend (which hurt, because it was supposed to be a romantic getaway for us
I confronted him promptly and he apologized. He said that he had alterady realized that it was wrong. I then asked: “so why did you keep on going if you knew this was wrong?” He replied that even if I hadn’t found out about it he would have stopped soon. I called BS on that, specially because he had messaged her the night before (and sent her pictures of our dinner) and he already knew he was crossing the line.
As far as I know, they are not messaging each other anymore (because I check his phone), but they work in the same place. They can just talk in person. It gives me a lot of anxiety.
To make things even worse, there’s another pretty younger lady at work (29F) who has also crossed boundaries (my therapist agrees with me that the lady was overstepping).
We have talked a lot for the last month and he has confessed that he “loves me 70% of the time” and that I “deserve someone better, someone who loves me 100%,” He even said that he thinks of divorcing me sometimes, but that he “knows” he will regret it because I am an “amazing woman”.
He says he doesn’t want to divorce now and wants to give us another try. He confessed (after I pressed him) that sometimes he’s envious of his male coworker who’s hooking up with lots of different women.
I’m very hurt, anxious and I just want to scream.
We have good careers and don’t have any kids. I don’t depend on him financially
We never argue… I asked him many times if there’s anything in me (appeareace/behavior) that bothers him and he denies it vehemently.
I suspect it might also be a midlife crisis.
I’m already doing lots of therapy and exercise…
I love him very much, but I’m not sure if I can endure this much longer, specially because he’s been cold-hot. Sometimes he acts like he loves me, and then he gets very cold. It’s driving me crazy
24 comments
Is this enough for you? If he continues just as he is now for the rest of your lives together can you still find happiness and fulfillment? At 38 years of age, he’s unlikely to change.
Sounds like he’s bored?
Not excusing anything he did but other than that romantic weekend getaway have you two done things to connect? Keep that spark alive? Still date one another?
If you want to stay together, you two need some serious, regular couples counseling.
OP, you are selling yourself for too low. You deserve respect.
You need to put your foot down. Nothing less than 100% is acceptable.
He is wrong. Let the apologist on reddit say whatever, crushes, flirt outside marriage are not at all acceptable.
I don’t know what to tell you on how to do it, like therapy, discussions etc. Find your ways, but remember you deserve respect.
Oh my God you don’t have kids and you’re not financially dependent on him, fucking leave.
Like please leave. Do yourself a favor you do not have to put up with that
> I asked him many times if there’s anything in me (appeareace/behavior) that bothers him and he denies it vehemently.
Not excusing his behavior, but a lot of guys are not going to answer this question 100% honestly because they’re worried it will make you upset.
Couples counselling?
You’re not going to be able to solve this without couples counseling. Good luck.
70%? I’m sorry, but who fucking says that?! He’s testing you. Seeing how much of this bullshit you will tolerate. It is time to stand up for yourself and stop allowing him to treat you so disrespectfully.
In addition to therapy for him, you and he might benefit from reading “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass. It talks about appropriate boundaries moving forward. Sounds like he slid into (or was certainly on the road to) an Emotional Affair and needs to recognize how he ended up in that place.
I also second the advice of firmly establishing your boundary that you will only accept being with someone who is 100% committed to loving you and making you happy. Showing him that you are worth more than his behavior and ready to walk might just strike terror in him, further motivating him to put effort into changing. Until that convo, he gets to feel like cock of the walk with you and other women giving him attention. He should see that you can and will leave, hopefully snaping him out of that mindset.
Keep rereading your own post until you see what we all see.
Well then he can love 70% of his life when you’re gone. He thinks this is going to be such a fun, easy way to get hooked up. Oh man he’s an old “fart” to many of these younger ladies not looking for a relationship of “convenience”…. he’s going to be in for a surprise.
I could not be with someone who tells me they love me 70% of the time. That means that 30% (which is very close to halfway!) of the time, he does not. If my partner can’t love me 100% of the time, than I sure the heck will love myself 100% of the time and find someone who can because I deserve better than 70%.
Literally leave, babe.
You need him for nothing more than his loyalty, which he cannot provide.
Spare yourself any more time and effort, and go find a boy toy. lol
When someone say you deserve better it’s rarely a lie. I think you deserve way more than 70%
You should think about trial separation because never arguing isn’t good. It sounds like he’s going to cheat if he can get away with it.
You’d need counseling to talk about his emotional affair.
He is being honest with you, you should listen. He doesn’t totally love you, he is in or entering a mid life crisis, at his age its called a quarter crisis, he needs constant validation from the opposite sex, which includes sexual and emotional. I wont even date anyone with validation issues, they are totally destructive,I’m soooo sorry, but you cant trust him, he has already breached your trust enough. Remember, Love isn’t enough, it takes more to forge a lifelong relationship. You should at least talk to an attorney and maybe plan an escape route, And he is correct, you and everybody deserve 100% love, don’t you?
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On a side note, this isn’t your fault, this is all on him, he has such low self confidence that he is going to end up hurting you over his lack of self respect, this isn’t your fault!!!!!
Girl. It’s time for you to rebrand and spend some time loving you 100% of the time. Literally become obsessed with you. This man needs validation from the opposite sex. How silly and childish. Also not something you or couples counseling could fix, only HE can fix it. And it doesn’t sound like he wants to, it sounds like he wants his cake and to fuck around too…I think that’s the saying,..I could be wrong. Forgive me.
INFO You alluded to therapist. How about a marriage counselor? Would both be able to go together? Or even a pastor or a couple that you mutually respect? Marriage book?
Oh god, PLEASE have more self respect than this and gtfo of this marriage.
I suspect midlife crisis or a case of the grass looking greener. Ask him how he’ll feel hooking up but living alone?
What you do is entirely up to you. I think at some point almost everyone questions these life choices. You have to determine if you want to wait it out or if you want out.
Take time to think about how you feel and if you are happy.
Respect yourself 100% of the time and leave him.
Just saying also, I only read your title. Fuck that.
He probably would shit a brick if you told him that you think about hooking up with random dudes and living your best life 100 days a year.
Everyone here has good advice, but one other topic: he absolutely should NOT be messaging a subordinate at work like this. If he manages this woman, he could be sued for sexual harassment / quid pro quo.
You don’t even know if that 24-year woman wants to flirt back or she is feeling pressured into being responsive and friendly because he manages her. This is a form of harassment and totally inappropriate of him.
Clearly he has bad judgement jeopardizing both his marriage and his career at the same time.
The flirtatious relationships with other girls is definitely a problem, but I think it’s possible to be in a good marriage and not love each other 100% of the time.
I love my husband but there have been times in the 5 years we have been together, that I’ve questioned if I made the right choice. For now I think I did, but there are always things to work on.
If he hasn’t physically cheated with these girls I think couples therapy is something you can do to work through things. Whether you decide to stay together or not is up to you, but it’s worth trying.