To start off I want to be as unbiased and as clear as possible. I don’t want a break-up with this person and I want to approach this after hearing redditors perspectives.
My boyfriend and I met in June 2021 and have been dating since October 2021. He is a lovely man, supportive, kind, sweet, and handsome. He makes me laugh and always gives me lots of love and reassurance. In a lot of ways he is my ideal partner but these are some areas of concern I have that I would like to know how to approach.
I graduated from university last year and currently work full-time as well as volunteer. I’m currently saving to buy property and we both live separate with our parents.
My boyfriend does not study and has not finished high school, I do not judge in any form as I know school is not for everyone. When we met he was working labour and was very good at saving money. However since we met he quit his job, the hours were really draining and he was depressed. He also cannot drive so he had to bus 2 hours each way. I supported his decision as I just wanted him to be happy. He now works at a restaurant for 8 hours a week. I was asking him what his plans are for the future and he always says hell figure it out but that nothing really works out for him and that school isn’t an option because his ADHD is terrible and he failed out of high-school. On his time off he mostly just plays games or goes to see friends, I have suggested options for ADHD but his family is against medication so that is not an option.
He frequently expresses his concern of being behind me, I do not like when he puts himself down because life is not a race and we have very different backgrounds. I assured him that I just want him to be able to sustain himself and find something he is passionate about.
Another issue is that we live about 30 minutes away from each other and if I dont make the drive, he has to uber which is expensive especially since he only works 8 hours and I don’t want him go use his savings on uber. I can only really make the drive to see him once or twice a week and its just becoming very stressful which I expressed to him.
But folks, I am at a loss. He is the kindest person I have ever met and we get along so well. I love being around him. However I am worried that he is not working towards anything and it’s making me have doubts, especially since he keeps talking to me about marriage.
Tldr; my boyfriend can’t drive and doesn’t have a solid career plan, I am starting to have doubts about the longevity of this relationship
36 comments
>I don’t want a break-up
>I am starting to have doubts about the longevity of this relationship
So which is it?
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>I have suggested options for ADHD but his family is against medication so that is not an option.
Oh ok so if he got an infection from stubbing his toe he would just die then? Interesting philosophy.
I hate cars, I hate car culture, I think it’s a drag on the world and the US in particular. But ALSO, I’m an adult in 2023 and I gotta drive to get by in this life. I’d call that a deal breaker in a partner and would be pragmatically working on that with him, because it would seem to remove a lot of the anxiety you’re feeling (could buy a car to get to you, get to more job options, and a bunch more long term concerns).
I’m seeing a nice guy who doesn’t want to face a few key ‘adulting’ things. I think your perspective is totally fair and not judgemental, you want someone you can grow with, which requires a certain amount of work that he isn’t putting in right now. Maybe you can express your concerns in that context.
I’m sorry I know it’s hard but somebody that’s working what would come out to an hour and fifteen minutes a day and can’t see anything through isn’t ready for marriage. The fact that he’s pushing that instead of working on all the issues in his own life is showing you he’s using your relationship as an emotional crutch for everything else in his life and he isn’t responsible or considering your best interest the way you’re considering his. He’s not working on anything for himself and he’s tied himself completely to you and at a certain point it becomes enabling. This man is just not ready for a relationship and needs to work on himself and only focus on that until he gets on top of it. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone that you have to fully support that cannot live without you? Do you want children? Because God forbid anything happens to you your children are screwed with this man, even if nothing happens you’re still going to have to do most of the work because he doesn’t see anything to completion. He is using his relationship with you to distract from everything else in his life so he doesn’t have to work on himself and you’re screwing yourself over by staying through it. Newsflash, it’s really easy to be nice when you don’t have to do anything all day and someone else supports you.
You can’t change him or fix him. If you want to stay with him, you just have to accept the fact that he will be a financial drain on you. You will be taking care of him. If this isn’t the kind of arrangement you want for the rest of your life, then get out.
If he ever does change, it will be because he decided to, not because you helped him. Continuing to stay with him like this is actually preventing him from growing into an adult. He gets to have his cake and eat it too if that makes sense.
If you do unconditionally love him, I would end the relationship and tell him you might be open to getting back together when he is financially and emotionally ready. He needs to get his life in order and you can’t do that for him. Sometimes letting go can be the most loving thing you can do.
I wouldn’t wait around for him. You can find someone equally as nice and caring who can also take care of themselves.
Functionally, the relationship isn’t working. The practical shit matters. It *really* matters.
This isn’t about judging him, this is about your time and your own needs. They aren’t being met. Your time is being burdened, not enhanced, by this relationship. This is the good kind of healthy, selfish you need to be.
If you want to continue this, at least have a sit-down and let him know, while you care for him and value his character and your relationship, from a purely practical point of view, this relationship will fizzle out if he doesn’t make some changes. Eventually. Maybe not tomorrow, but certainly sooner rather than later. You have legitimate needs in a partner he’s not meeting, and hasn’t in the time you’ve known him show signs of being willing to. That’s a valid choice for him, but it is one that will make you incompatible in the long term.
And from a respect point of view, he needs to stop talking about marriage until he takes some steps towards being a partner you could actually marry. A partner like that would be basically self-sustaining (and able to seek treatment if necessary, even against their families wishes).
“Dear, I love you but if you are so interested in marriage we really need a solid plan for our future. Don’t matter what job you or I may have. You talk about being behind me,and that tell me that you arent thinking in us, but in yourself, because if you really cared about our future, that wouldn’t matter at all.
I do want to be with you. But I really need you to plan what future you want because if we want a family in the future, we have to work so that we have to secure the best future we can get and that doesn’t happen with just best wishes.”
“For starters get you drive license asap”
You can love the person he is, but that’s very different from being able to build a life with the person he is and the choices he’s making. Unless you want to be primarily in charge of everything at all times. Sometimes adults his age get past this phase and become self-sufficient and independent individuals later. But you can’t commit to anything long-term with him hoping he changes and hoping he lives up to some potential in the ether. He’s talking to you about marriage because he’d be happy marrying the person you are now and what you bring to the relationship now. If you can’t say the same about him, you definitely can’t marry him, and it’s completely fair for you to express what you need from a partner, even if it hurts his feelings and makes him feel bad. Sometimes people have to feel bad to seriously pursue change. When they feel good about a situation, why would they ever take any steps to change it?
What exactly are you asking here?
He sounds like a horrible life partner
If you wont leave him just resign yourself to raising a 20 something child that you take care of him
Why don’t you want to break up ? He’s acknowledged that he’s “behind” but isn’t really doing anything to better his situation. Yeah ADHD makes things more difficult but that’s not an excuse to be working 8 hours a week while also suggesting something like marriage.
The responsibility doesn’t fall on you but it may be time for some tough love if you truly don’t see yourself leaving. You need to let him know that while you will love and support him, he needs to have some type of plan if your relationship is ever going to get anywhere.
Also, he’s actively choosing not to try and manage his ADHD. If it’s so severe that it’s keeping him in this spot then that also needs to change very quickly. It’s completely up to you but it seems you’ve discussed this topic a lot and nothing has changed. At some point you have to stop trying to fix people and let them figure things out. Good Luck.
I was *exactly* like him at his age. My GF had the sense to break up. No amount of love is enough to make a relationship like this work.
Partners are not home improvement projects. He has zero motivation or interest in improving his situation, other than marrying you, so you can support him instead of his parents.
You deserve a partner. Someone that will work with you to build a life, not a burden to drag along. You may love him now, but it’s a guaranteed way to build resentment
You will always have to support him and he is essentially an additional child. Some women like that.
This redditor’s perspective is that you need to break up with him and date an adult.
Not driving isn’t that weird if you’re city people. Not having an income source would be unacceptable to me. Even if he chooses to go unmedicated there are things you can do as someone with adhd…
It’s not his family’s choice to medicate. Its his choice now. I would encourage him to at least try CBT.
>especially since he keeps talking to me about marriage.
Would he even make a good house husband if it came to you financially supporting him in total? It’s a real option, but it means he better be keeping the house to both your liking while you’re waging away. Cooking, taking care of the kids if you end up having any, and other domestic duties. But don’t do this if it’s going to make you resentful that you’ve basically got a human pet; only do this if the cooking, cleaning, etc. is worth it to you. You could be on the hook for alimony if you marry him in his current state of life and realize you’ll need to divorce him because he’s not worth financially supporting.
Hes living at his parents it sounds like. You have no idea how he lives domestically most likely.
He either gets a real job, gets real help for his issues, or he gets to stay a mommas boy. Kindness is more than words; its actions too
Most people don’t want to break up with someone they care about, but they just realize it’s the only reasonable thing to do when you realize a relationship isn’t working.
You absolutely should have doubts. He has zero motivation to try to become a suitable partner.
He is concerned with being behind, yet he is doing nothing to address it. He is also talking about marriage. Is this so you can take over the role of being his parent and continue to support him?
You really need to ask yourself if this is what you want? Supportive, kind , and sweet only goes so far.
It sounds like he might be depressed, which having ADHD in a world built for non-ADHD brains is actually a really common cause for people with ADHD to develop anxiety and depression.
It’s even worse when your support network, like his family, is against completely legitimate forms of help. There are a lot of things that you can do, chemically or otherwise, to help mitigate issues caused by ADHD.
You sound like you really care about him and his well-being. As someone who has ADHD, I’m happy that there is someone like you on his team advocating for him to get help; however, I have learned, you can’t keep dating someone while expecting them to change. There is nothing wrong with being supportive! But you have to be able to take care of yourself as well.
I believe i have read that the 1 year mark is when difficulties in relationships start to appear. You’re both relaxed around each other now, you’re more your actual self with the other person. It leads to conflict that can lead to resolution that either deepens your affections for each other or shows that you may not be compatible long-term.
There isn’t anything wrong with having expectations, especially when you date. You’re trying to find your partner in life, no?
Relationships are easier when everyone is a fully-functioning adult or knows how to cope when some functions are compromised.
If you can legitimately see yourself having a future with this person, as you said before he was different when you first met, I would have a conversation with him. Lay out some boundaries. Tell him your expectations.
You don’t have to emotionally coerce someone to get themselves help, but if he hears what you are thinking and doesn’t do anything about it, then you will at the very least know where he stands and can make a decision.
It’s hard leading a horse to water, but it does take a lot of courage to go against a family’s expectations regarding mental illness. I have a close friend who recently got diagnosed with ADHD at 30 and it’s been life changing for him in a positive way, but he was very against the stigma of having ADHD. Me being open with my diagnosis helped him feel more comfortable with it. We give each other tips on what is working for us to cope now.
Idk if you have ever checked out the ADHD subreddit, but it’s a really positive place. Maybe take a look around there to see if there is any advice on how to speak with him.
Best of luck to both of you.
Kindness is a great quality to look for in a partner, but it is not the only quality to look for. This guy is not the whole package.
>I have suggested options for ADHD but his family is against medication so that is not an option.
Who the fuck cares what his familys opinion is? The man is 24!!!!! If he wants medication he should get medication. Sounds like he needs it.
You may be correct. It’s possible that this is it snd you’ve gone as far as you can with this man.
But does he want to learn to drive? Does he want to see if he has ADHD and get medication? Those might be two points that could help jump start everything else.
What about him staying at home and looking after the house? If he doesn’t want to work or study he could make sure you have nothing to do after work? Clean and tidy house, dinner on the table, bath run and clothes ironed for work in the morning? He doesn’t have to have a job to contribute but he does have to contribute.
You could use the extra time to push your career ahead?
He’s 24 and his family is against medication. Is HE against medication? Because he is legally an adult and from what I’ve read, biologically one too. If he’s against medication, okay, whatever, I don’t agree with him but that’s his choice. But if his opinion is nothing more than a refraction of his family, suggest maybe he speak to both a psychiatrist and a psychologist to come up with some solutions or workarounds for his condition.
>I don’t want a break-up with this person
If you start a post off with a statement like this, what you’re really saying is you know you should break up with him, but you want us to lie to you about it.
Congratulations, you’re the 800th young woman this month coming to this sub asking how does she mold herself into the perfect mommywife to take care of her new baby.
Why oh why, do women keep tying themselves to men like this?
I just don’t get it.
If I had known it was that easy, I could’ve just been a complete loser in life and had some woman debase herself to wait hand and foot on me.
He is 24 going on 14. You are at the stage where life is really starting to open up to you.
Do you really want a partner who can’t be bothered to progress their life so they at the very least have a reliable and financially stable way to see you regularly?
Just how low is the bar for the average heterosexual man now, because I can’t even see it in the abyss anymore.
I’m sure he’s a nice enough person, but he’s not a functional adult. You are looking for a partner, not a dependent, which is what you have.
He sounds like he’d make a lovely casual friend you hang out with maybe every other month.
You’re refusing to be realistic about choosing a partner. And that doesn’t have to mean not being romantic at all, but you need to snap out of it girl. He sounds like a terrible potential life partner. No prospects, no plans, no goals no desire to improve in any way, while you on the other hand, the opposite. How do you think that relationship would go? What would it look like in five, ten years? You think you’ll have anything to talk about? Any possibility of building a life you want with someone who wants to stay stuck in one place? Having kinds and raising them? With what values exactly? That one shouldn’t try? That high school is not for everyone? Come on… You have to make a decision. But don’t fool yourself into thinking that being kind and sweet and handsome are qualities that make a person a valuable compatible partner. Those are nice qualities to have, but they’re something based on which you build a relationship and later life with someone.
Seems like a real catch, idk where else you could possibly find a 24 year old dropout, with no car, direction, or motivation.
You can love someone whilst also recognising they are lacking essential qualities that would make them the right partner for you.
I have no doubt this guy is lovely and that you enjoy your time with him. But that doesn’t change the fact that this relationship is lopsided and causing you stress. And the truth is that someone being kind and fun only goes so far – there comes a point where that no longer outweighs the bad.
Look he has to want to be a successful adult. I also have ADHD and don’t drive! Yet I have a nice savings account, a loving partner of a decade, a full time job with benefits, and I own a house! Was any of it easy with the no driving or ADHD issues? Fuck no! But I didn’t want to be a burden on my partner and knew that my mental health wasn’t going to be his problem too.
He needs to be working more than 8 freaking hours a week for starters. And then he needs to get into some sort of treatment for his ADHD. Has he ever been professionally diagnosed and sought help? There’s a ton of other options and coping mechanisms that aren’t medication. Despite what mental health and life struggles he’s had in the past, right now he is being a bum and a shit partner.
He should feel bad for being so far behind you! He CAN do better. But lamenting about feeling so bad and having you reiterate that it’s all fine and he’s doing great! When he really really isn’t is doing a disservice to you and him. It reiterates to him that he doesn’t have to try and you’re fine being the only adult in the relationship. That helps no one.
Y’all need to sit down and make ab actual plan for the future ( including help for his adhd, what jobs he can apply for, what money he can save up etc) If he refuses or says he can’t do it or puts all the work and responsibility for making the plan on you, then you know you have a mooch and not a partner. And that won’t change. So you’ll need to decide if you want to live like this for the rest of the time y’all are together or not.
Girl is there a man shortage somewhere that I don’t know about
Good lord girl. Find another fish. Any other fish.
Send him back to his mom.
He sounds depressed. He needs a therapist.
OP..what is you want? You’re going on about this situation, but you’re not considering what you want your future to be. So what is? What do you picture in your head when you think of the future?
A partner is meant to add value to your life. There will be a time/situation in your relationship when love just isn’t enough.
He has no drive, and is quite comfortable with the poor me, everything is against me type mentality.
If you are quite happy with a project that will never be complete, then by all means stay together.
If ADHD is a problem that creates a barrier for him, and his family does not believe in medication, and he will not branch beyond their beliefs, there is it much you can do. There are people who really struggle with this, especially as it relates to school and work, but he has to try to help himself and break from his parents. If he is unwilling to make that effort there is nothing you can do to help him. That would be my conversation.