Consent: I can’t get it out of my head (23M)

I had an encounter with a female (21F) a little under 3 months ago and it still haunts me to this day. I would like to think of myself as someone that respects others boundaries. Anyways, this girl took me out to a party that her friend was hosting. I don’t normally drink a lot at all but she kept encouraging me to let loose and gave me drinks. It was a lot looking back. Eventually, I get back to her place and I am in her bed. I lean into kiss her and she responds positively. After one or two kisses, I interrupted and asked if this was okay and that she coherent enough to know what was happening. She said yes and we proceeded. She did not appear to be inebriated at all either. I did not feel too drunk at this time. The room was not spinning or anything.

After sometime of kissing and cuddling, she said that she is so horny but wants to wait to have sex with me. I told her that was okay because I didn’t bring a condom and I typically like to wait so that boundaries can be established and we can talk to make sure that we’re both clean, birth control, etc.

I said that we could do other things though, by things I meant foreplay. She was what do you mean, and I responded with fingering. She said she doesn’t want to do that because if “you finger me, then you’re going to f\*ck me”. I told her that I am sure we both have enough willpower to resist that, but I am not going to push that boundary at all. I kept my hands around her waist.

30 minutes to an hour follows and she keeps telling me how she is so horny. She starts to grind up against me more in the bed and then eventually, just takes my hand from her side and shoves it inside her pants. At first my hand was moved outside of her female parts and on top of the pajamas that she was wearing. She kept grabbing my hand to make sure that it was inside her pajamas. I realized that she was still wearing underwear. I moved her underwear to the side and started to touch her to pleasure her. When I first put my finger in she moaned and then we had what seemed to be a good rest of the night. After we were done though, I never really slept as I kept throwing up the entire morning. I realized that I had drunken way more than I could handle. She kissed me goodbye in the morning and we talked about seeing each other again.

She apologized the next time I saw her because she said “I made you to drink a lot. That’s on me”. She seemed happy to see me.

I have been racked with guilt because a few days after that happened, I was playing back the events and remembered that she said that she did not want me to finger her. I totally forgot that she said that and was caught up in the heat of the moment. She seems to have responded positively to the interaction judging by the fact that she wanted to see me again and that she had a big smile on her face after we were done, but I can’t help but feel like a monster. If she had told me to stop at any time, I would have stopped. I genuinely forgot that she said that to me earlier. I was totally in the moment and excited when she put my hand in her pants. I don’t know it was because I was drunk more than I was typically or just because I am a human and forgot things that people say from time to time.

I get these intrusive thoughts that maybe she was uncomfortable at first and eventually warmed up to the idea. I worry that by putting my hand in her pants she just wanted me to touch her through her panties or massage the area through her underwear. Anyways, I try to not make assumptions during sex, but this one feels like a massive assumption that she changed her mind mid night and indicated that to me with her actions. BUT WHAT IF I WAS WRONG. I can’t help but beat myself up because if she did react negatively to it, then I would have assaulted her. I am pissed because I tried so hard to make sure that she felt safe and respected. I simply forgot what the boundary was because I was caught up in the fact that she was putting my hands in her pants.

My defense would be, “oh i was drunk and forgot. Oh I was just caught up in the action and forgot what she said earlier.” That’s a terrible rationale for my actions and I should have asked again to at least confirm that I was doing what she wanted me to do instead of making an assumption. I am probably most-definitely overthinking this, but it feels good to get my thoughts down on paper. Am I a bad person? I wish I could go back and stop myself. tell myself to get some more reassurance. I worry that maybe she just wanted me to just touch her through her panties, but I feel like that doesn’t seem reasonable because why not just keep my hands outside of pants to begin with and just massage the area. I feel terribly guilty and never want to have any sort of drunk encounter again. Has this ever happened to you (on either side) and how do you cope with it? I feel like I am doubting my own memory because I feel like I shouldn’t just forget statements like that.