We meet freshman year of college and she was the first friend I met. We got along really well and would spend most of everyday together. When i first meet her, i only really had feeling for her as a friend and we spent the entire first semester of our time together that way, but by the end of that time, I felt like my feelings has changed, and we talked about it and we were officially boyfriend and girlfriend just a few days before we would leave school for winter break. This was a hard conversation for me, as I had never been in a serious relationship before, and I was scared about ruining a friendship that was really meaningful to me if she didn’t feel the same way. However in highschool, I also had a close female friend who I grew to have feelings for then regretted not saying anything, so this time I thought I knew better.
Winter break happened and we would still talk on the phone every day, even if we couldn’t see each other in person. It was covid times so the break was almost two months long and when we finally got back everything was going great. At the start of the new semester things took a turn for the worse, I felt like it was getting harder and harder to find time together as we adjusted to new schedules and more difficult classes. Then one day after we got lunch together before she had class she pulled my aside and told me, “I think we were better as friends we should break up.” the only thing I could muster up the say was a meek “ok” as I tried to fight off the tears. We agreed to meet for dinner as we usually do after her class and we have carried on as friends since then.
That was over a year ago.
We are still friends and I see her everyday, now our friend group has expanded so jts usally not just the two of us. I thought my feelings would change or at least i hoped they would, I mean how hard could it be, I didn’t even have feelings for her at first. But things haven’t changed. I still love her. And it makes me feel terrible.
1. I think the main reason is that it just kills any sense of self confidence I had left, honestly it was kinda weak to begin with, but seeing her all the time just reminds me of how I wasn’t good enough. I was trying my hardest, it was my first relationship and if you couldn’t tell because I’d never been in a relationship until the age of 19, I’m not really a people person. I trusted her to communicate with me and work through things together. Now I talk to her and all I think about is how I feel like I was not even worth the effort or the care that a relationship takes, things got difficult I feel like she gave up on me and moved on.
2. I also just feel guilty for having these feelings, im upset with myself for not being able to move on when she clearly does not reciprocate how I feel.
3. I also feel like a burden when I’m around her, she has already told me that sometimes it’s hard for her to be around me when I’m sad because it makes her anxious and sad too, it’s just hard to not be sad around her sometimes see 1 and 2.
4. I regret ruining our friendship. it just hasn’t been the same since we broke up, and that never would have happened if I didn’t ask her out in the first place.
I just don’t know what to do, whatever I do is a lose lose scenario. I don’t think we currently have a healthy relationship as friends, because I have these feelings that make it hard for me to want to “just” be friends with her and I many times I’ll feel sad when Im around her (see 1, 2 and 3), which i dont think is good in healthy friendships. But also, these feelings are here because we were such good friends to begin with, and I would much rather have her in my life as a friend then not have her at all. We even still hold hands and cuddle which I enjoy even in a platonic context [I’m very touch starved] (this does make me feel more like a burden though as Im usually the one reaching out.)
help
TLDR
Best friends with my ex, not happy