I (37F) have been with my partner (35M) for just over two years. We met in a period between major pandemic lockdowns and both lived alone, so we became each other’s close contact and saw A LOT of each other. Our relationship moved pretty quickly, and within 9 months we moved in together.
From the beginning I felt very attracted to the quality of his character, but very little attraction to him physically. It was a bit of a barrier, but I was very invested in his whole person and wanted to make it work. He’s the sweetest, gentlest, kindest person. My friends and family love him as much as I do.
Over the last two years his mental and physical health have declined, and so has mine. Lately our dynamic is way, way off. Our sex life is garbage (I’ve tried to talk to him about it for months and have gotten nowhere). My physical attraction is functionally zero. We’ve both been depressed and developed low self-esteem (which I’ve sought treatment and he hasn’t, for financial reasons). We love each other deeply, but we are not happy.
I’ve been told by many people (friends and former partners) that I can be overly critical and/or harsh, but also that I am an excellent communicator. Part of the problem is that I don’t keep things to myself (which is a bit of a neuro-atypical thing). Lately I’ve been finding a lot of faults with him. He admits he’s never been great at taking criticism (from me, or at work or in school), and as a result many attempts at talking about our issues come to a communication shutdown with me hurting his feelings. It’s hard to make progress on our relationship issues and to know when I’m being overly critical vs he’s being overly sensitive.
I think we rushed into moving in together, and both have a lot of work to do on ourselves before we can have a truly healthy long term partnership. Right now it feels codependent and tense. We’ve talked about this at length. I don’t know if I want out of this relationship or not.
I’ve been thinking we need to take some time apart to focus on ourselves and re-establish some indicidual boundaries, values, and support systems. We’re talking about finding our own respective apartments again. I’m wondering: Do “relationship breaks” ever work, or is this putting off the inevitability of a breakup?
TLDR: My relationship feels stale / unhealthy but I truly love my partner. Do “breaks” ever work in favour of staying together?
5 comments
Typically, I don’t think breaks work. But in ur case, it might given the fact there doesn’t seem to be anything here that stands out as harmful. U just wana work on ur selves.
I don’t think either of u are in the right frame of mine or mentally stable enough to be with each other since ur BOTH having mental problems.
This can become very toxic if u don’t do something about it. I say u separate to work on yourselves and if ur meant to be and truly love each other, u will come back to one another.
This doesn’t seem like a relationship at all anymore, a break won’t work but a break up will do you both good.
It sounds like you guys need to try some couples therapy. And maybe also try working harder as a team, especially when it comes to physical health/mental health.. try a healthier diet, going on walks together, something you both enjoy doing. I would say since you know that you are overly critical and hurt his feelings, it would be best to talk to a therapist together. Breaks just plain and simple don’t work. If you want to save the relationship, fight for it. Relationships are never easy and sometimes take extra effort from both sides.
It’s time to go your separate ways and get individual therapy.
As someone who just left a relationship for the reasoning of working on themselves, I would say break up. It doesn’t mean that you can’t get back together in the future, but it’s not fair to anyone in the situation to put a time frame on the healing and growing that you both need to do. It also puts more pressure on the both of you to change a certain way, rather than growing in a more natural way.
With the physical attraction, you need to ask yourself if that’s something that you’re willing to live with for the rest of your life. Are you willing to be physically unattracted to your partner for years? How would you feel if the situation was reversed – if he was physically unattracted to you? Would you stay? And would you be happy?
I know it’s hard, but sometimes people are better friends than boyfriends, and it’s that way for a reason. Put your happiness first and if if you’re not happy, it’s time to walk.