Single man nearing 30 years old, looking for marriage and I have a question: Is it alright or abnormal to get married within a year of dating/engagement?

24 comments

1. I married my first wife within a year of meeting it lasted 24 years.

2. 6-9 months is short, though I think if you are dating with purpose and you meet the right woman, this might work. But to do this I think you would need to be more intentional about your dating than most people are, and it’s going to rule out a lot of women.

   Keep in mind the more specific your expectations, the smaller your dating pool gets. Also, it’s not like 30 is a magical number where concerns skyrocket, more like risks increase with age.

   Also, don’t forget that when it comes to many birth defects, the man’s age is relevant as well.

3. My best friend met her fiancé last year in April and they got engaged in October and are getting married this coming April and plan to conceive this year. They are 26 and 28. I don’t think there is anything wrong with this as long as both people want the same thing and feel comfortable with what each person expects from marriage, parenting, living together etc.

4. Is it better to rush the relationship and risk having kids with someone who isn’t actually right for you or better to wait and risk the health issues you cite? That’s for you and the person you meet to decide together. Some people marry quickly because they just know all they need to know and feel ready. Me and my husband bought a house together after only 18 months. It’s not ridiculous to hope you might be ready to commit after a year. But some couples need a lot longer to iron everything out. I will also add the while the risk does increase, it’s only by slight amounts each year. It’s not like you get to 30 and issues are inevitable. 32 is not much older than 30. I think your aim should be to have them as soon as you’re ready and not see 30 as a cut off.

5. It’s a quick time frame but definitely possible. My husband and I went from first date to married in 6.5 months.

   I will caution you that such a quick relationship does have its challenges. You have to be very intentional in what you want in a relationship and be very vigilant for red flags. When moving that quickly, it is easy to get caught up in things and miss issues you’ll regret later on. I found it helpful to take an analytical approach and spend time analyzing our relationship and compatibility.

   You also have to make sure to talk about everything. Once the relationship is serious, don’t wait for things to come up; start those conversations. If you’re moving quickly, you don’t have time to wait.

   Lastly, I know it’s hard but don’t focus too much on the risk statistics. It’s obviously a good thing to be aware of, but you can’t change your age and, while it’s good to be intentional in your dating, you can’t force a relationship to happen quickly. My husband and I have worried about this, too, as he’s 35, but we’ve decided we have to make peace with it. It’s also helped us to look at the relative risk rather than the percentage at which it grows—while it does grow a lot, it still isn’t a very high statistical risk overall. (Although he has autism so that will be more of a risk factor than either of our ages for us.)

6. Did you read the bottom of your study? “The absolute risk of having a child with ASD is still approximately 1 in 100 in the overall sample, and less than 2 in 100 even for mothers up to age 45.” The risk goes up very slightly past 30 but the most dramatic change is past 40 (and even then it’s still a small risk).

   Your insistence is a little strange and I really do not recommend rushing into a marriage and settling for someone just so you can pop a baby out before they turn the ripe old age of 30. Not to mention, while it’s good to do your best to ensure your child is happy and healthy, you can’t always control this and if you’re wanting children, you need to be prepared for anything.

   Lots of couples meet fast and it works out for them but you don’t want to needlessly rush something.

7. I got married within a year of meeting my wife. It’s not normal but it happens.

   The weirder thing about what you’re saying to me is the accelerated timescale you’re looking for seems to put a lot of pressure on a potential partner to be something to you other than just a partner.

   The most loathed thing by most people is desperation. You seem desperate to meet someone who will have your children by 30. That can lead people to think you’re dating them as breeding stock moreso than a potential wife.

   I get your concerns but it’s an odd thing to get hung up on. You don’t have the level of control over life that you’re attempting to have.

8. It worked for me….

   Starting dating in Jan 98, engaged August 98, Married Feb 99, honeymooned Aug 99, He deployed for 6 months around Oct 99, Moved in April/May of 2000. We were 23 and 25 at the the of marriage.

   The honeymoon was the longest amount of time we had ever spent together. Only saw each other 2-3 weekends a month, unless he was out to sea, and it could be longer times between seeing each other.

   I had rule of no kids after 30, not for this reason. I had my 3rd child @28.

9. I may have read this wrong, but I think if you’re trying to get married for the sake of being married, you’re doing it for the wrong reason and I wouldn’t expect it to last. You marry someone because they’re your best friend, you gel with them, and many other reasons, but not just to be married as a status thing.

10. It’s bizarre that you view your future wife only as an incubator with an expiry date.

11. Women are not breeders . This post is distasteful and strange to be in this sub .
    You’re single and talking about marriage like it’s a checklist . Very odd.

12. You are overthinking this to the point that you’ll probably never find someone. Just let life happen. Life doesn’t care about your plans.

13. I met my husband February 18th and married him Halloween. Furthermore you mentioned in the comments you have Autism. Age ain’t got nothing to do with it with that disorder I’m afraid. My mom and dad were 18 and 19. 2 Autistic kids. My ex and I were 24 and 29. Kid probably has Autism and im now 35 and my husbands 36 trying for #2 I’m 100% Autistic and he’s most likely as several family members. I don’t need a crystal ball to see how that’s gonna end up. It doesn’t matter. Autistic people create more Autistic people, your kid might not always come out that way but odds aren’t good if you want a neurotypical, finding a younger woman won’t do crap since you are already Autistic, you’ve got to accept you might pass it on and be okay with it or don’t risk it. I know several Autistic people myself included who had kids and there isn’t a neurotypical amongst them. It’s not a bad thing. Some of the most successful/well known people in history were/are autistic. Michael Angelo, Tesla, divinci, Einstien, and in modern times we running social media platforms. Facebook, Insta and Twitter Elon Musk and Zuckerberg. The world wouldn’t be what it is without the Autistic community’s contributions so I’ll never understand the anxiety people get with making more Autistic people. We’d probably still be in primative times if it weren’t for us.

14. This is the best dating advice I received at 27. After 30 years old dating in North America is so much easier for men. Women with advanced schooling or careers are too busy in their 20’s working on school or work.

    I was 32 when I met my wife and we were both our first real relationship. She was too busy going through medical school in her 20’s to bother dating.

    In our friend group of 20, their is 5 ladies in their 35’s who cannot find anyone that is marriage material.

15. Not at all. My parents knew each other a few months and eloped when they were pregnant with my oldest sibling. My sister knew her husband a few months and they also eloped when they found out they were pregnant.

    I met my fiancé 3 months before I filed for my divorce. He asked me to marry him when I only knew him for 4 months just before my divorce was finalized. We’re getting married this year AND moving in together pretty much on the same day we’re going to schedule with the court.

    It really depends on the people involved and both of you just planning things together.

16. My 1st son was born when I was 36 and my wife was 33. Our 2nd came just under 3 years later. Both are healthy.

    Personally, I think one should date for more than a full year. You want to know how a person will be in the holidays, in the spring, summer, etc. I’d really think 2-3 years minimum is ideal to make sure you are truly aligned.

17. If you click and you are both of the same thought and mind regarding what marriage means to you then I see no reason why not. I only have to look as far as my own parents 65-year-old marriage that began when they had only known each other 6 months. Marriage is a journey and as long as you’re both having the same goal in mind then jump in and enjoy yourself. Just make sure you are honest with yourself and her and she you about any vows you might make. I think too many say them without really thinking about them. After the first or second marriage just how seriously should someone take your till death do us part? Anyway that’s just my thinking and take it with whatever grain of salt you need. I’ve not been married myself because I hold out for that ideal match who sees it in the same way.

18. You’re much more likely to have a child on the autism spectrum if you yourself are on it, along with its frequent comorbidities of OCD ODD ADHD etc. Your own genetics are actually a bigger predictor than the age of the woman you marry.
    Have you considered that marriage might not actually be your vocation? I hold the extremely unpopular opinion that people on the spectrum are less suited to marriage and would benefit themselves and society better by serving as clergy or consecrated singles. Your very scientific and mathematic approach in this question makes it seem like maybe it’s not your actual vocation but just something you think you’re supposed to do.
    To answer your question, I would say that yes, you would be rushing the relationship using these calculations. As the saying goes: Marry in haste; Repent at your leisure.

19. You simply cannot control what happens to your baby during a pregnancy. While yes age can impact things, I am 37 and 7.5 months pregnant with my 3rd and this pregnancy has been the easiest I’ve had in the last 11 years. The daughter I had in my twenties ended up with severe asthma as a baby that still plagues her today. My 2nd who is now 5 appears to have ADHD and possibly may be on the spectrum. This pregnancy so far has been a breeze in comparison, also a girl, all testing so far shows she’s healthy.

    Putting this kind of stress on a woman about making a child is a huge turn off. Like MASSIVE turn off. No one can guarantee you a perfect healthy baby. I had a beautiful healthy friend who was the “ideal” age and health to have a baby. And that baby ended up with congenital heart failure and had 2 surgeries before she was even 6 months old.

    You need to understand that women already have tremendous pressure around procreation and it’s a huge commitment (like lifelong) and it changes everything about their lives. Coming onto a woman with this ferocious of a timeline and expectation for pregnancy will most definitely be a non-starter.

    It’s ok that you know you want kids and that you want them soon. And you can communicate that. Totally fine to say “I would ideally like to be married in the next year or two and working on trying to build a family.” That’s ok to say. But leave out all your “studies” on non-ideal pregnancy ages etc… pretty sure she already knows. It’s engrained in us from our childhood.

    But I do caution you. If you aren’t prepared for the possibility that *something* could be different or complicated with your child, and that somehow could affect how you treat them or feel about them, you may want to reconsider having kids. There are no guarantees. And putting the pressure of “perfection” on your or your future mate will surely lead to disappointment. Your children may end up the picture of health. Or they may end up with ADHD or Autism. Will that change how you feel about having kids? Just something to consider.

    But definitely put your facts in your back pocket and don’t pile on. When you meet the right one, it’s not super unusual to marry quickly. My husband and I were engaged within 9 months and married 6 months after that. No regrets.

20. I was married with a year of dating. We are still married.

21. 25 versus being with a woman your age is really not going to make that much of a difference. I think you’re getting too hung up on the age issue and splitting hairs. The fertility difference between 25 and 30 year olds is barely noticeable percentage wise. It’s 25% versus 20% chance of getting pregnant every month, but if the woman you were dating was 28 or 29 it’d probably be less than a 5% difference. 20% chance of a pregnancy each month is really not that bad. If either of you doesn’t have fertility issues, and you track ovulation, it’s a much much greater chance you’ll become pregnant in a year (about 85%) than not.

    Small amounts of years don’t really matter that much in fertility statistics or even egg quality. What matters more is periods longer than five years or decades. It’ll be a bit harder and maybe take a little longer for a 35 year old on average to have a child than a 25 year old. But it’s not like women suddenly become completely infertile at this certain age. It’s not a sharp cliff, more of a fizzling out kind of thing when it comes to women’s fertility.

    Some women can even have babies in their forties, BUT it’s very hard for some women to have a baby then so I think if you want a baby, you should consciously plan to do it before then. But the fact is women can even get pregnant naturally then. My great grandmother got pregnant around 42-45 with my grandmother, and didn’t think anything of it because she thought she went into menopause. This was before fertility treatment or anything, in the 1920s. It was just a total surprise.

    People closer in age generally have more in common and share more of the same life goals. You might have more success finding women that want a baby and wanted to have one sooner if you started dating women that were a bit older. Some 25 year old women are up for having a baby but a lot are not especially now women have more options. Many won’t want to because they want to have a couple more years childfree or to work more before they have a baby. If you opened your standards just a little bit and dated a woman in her late 20s or early 30s or was open to it you would probably find more success.

22. Whoa buddy ease up!! I know plenty of couples in their late thirties to mid forties who have kids very recently. Yes some had to do IVF but all had successful pregnancies and the kids turned out fine thank God!

23. @OP, this thread superbly shows the lack of your Faith in Divine Providence.

    Statistics, wishes are all you know, yet you not see the most important thing – to be a martyr of your time, to tell your tale as it happens, to repent for you and others and urge Brothers and Sisters to make way for God earlier in their life. Contemporary times, when our Church is nearly non-exisistent vs the World, people would have their life as it would be at its peak.

    Also; old, holy Mass is a Fountain from which God blesses mostly. To be modernist is at least to err.

24. That’s how I ended up marrying my ex wife. Same, exact, age, path, train of thought you are on now.

    She almost destroyed my life. Enjoy your 30s. You will peak at 36/37. That’s when I met my current wife. We dated for 5 years before marrying