(m22)I have a girlfriend of 2 years, we have been living together for almost the entire time of our relationship.
We are a very good couple and we get along very well.
I am think about sex alot and i have a high sex drive.
The problem is my gf does not, we used to have sex pretty often. But these last couple of months we have had barely any.
We talk about it alot and she tells me to try more often, but everytime i try i get rejected.
I fell very defeated and i often times give up before i try from the fear of being rejected yet again.
She wants to be more sexual but yet she never wants to have sex and im tired of getting rejected.
Can i get some advice?
21 comments
How does she want to be more sexual but not want sex? If you elaborate on this we could start from here as this touches on the current state of the relationship.
Together try reading the book Come As You Are. It discusses female sexuality and helped me a lot.
She’s more reactive when it comes to sex. You’ll have to do more initiation in your sex life to get her in the mood. Now if you are doing that and she’s rejecting you that’s something you have to have a serious talk with her about. Be respectful of her and her mindset but at the end of the day you have needs in the relationship as well.
If you are experiencing this after only 2 years it will only get worse. Save yourself time and be with someone who can relate to your sex drive. You can’t marry someone like this or you will feel trapped as long as u are with her. Get out now, save yourself
Go to r/deadbedrooms and see what your future holds. You may also find some good advice here. L Then, decide if that future is what you want or if you want to draw a hard line in the sand and be willing to walk away from a sexually incompatible relationship. I am not saying to break up today, but please understand it’s a slippery slope. Once you have exhausted all reasonable methods of finding a way to feel fulfilled and work on the problem, it is time to leave. Sexual incompatibility is no joke.
It is a lot of work to fix these problems and both people must be truly dedicated to it. If she is convinced you will just sit and deal with it she is very likely to let you do just that. It sounds as if that is exactly what she has done so far. Try some of the books, some of the things others have suggested. In the meantime you really need to draw your line and realize once you cross it that it is 100% time to go.
Time to pull chute. This isn’t going to get better with time. Find someone who is sexually compatible with you.
Try things that aren’t necessarily designed to lead to sex but just more physical intimacy. It can help her feel sexier (which can lead to more sex later potentially) but it might also help satisfy some of your needs too. Give her a back massage or a leg massage, scratch her head while you’re watching tv, instead of sitting while talking about your day do it cuddling in bed. Get some wine and a bath bomb! It could help take some of the pressure off both of you! It might also be what she means when she says she wants to feel more sexual.
I find sometimes too sex isn’t something women look forward too because there can be a lot of shame or maybe it’s just not that enjoyable. Get some fun lubes or sex toys to make her experience better so she looks forward to it. Or go to a hotel for a weekend that has a big tub in it. I’m not sure what you’re doing when you say initiate but it could be interpreted as you’re just trying to get laid rather than a love language. For a lot of people sex = romance so buy some flowers and light some candles. Even if you don’t have sex that night it will FEEL sexy and that’s the first step.
I hope that made sense!
You have different libidos. This rarely changes. My husband swore up and down that he was attracted to me and liked having sex with me. But I was the only initiator and he turned me down constantly. Trust actions. Not words.
You have to decide how many years you want to devote to a sexless relationship. I devoted over 20 before I gave up. I dont recommend going that long.
Have you tried introducing toys, role play, adult movies and tried different things to spice it up
You probably already do this, but give her more hugs and cuddles just in a non sexual context— in the kitchen or just around the house nonbedroom. This could help get the juices flowing with her with out really asking for her flat out have sex with you. Or give her a short shoulder massage (standing up, even, just in the kitchen or tv room) or something again that’s not immediate we’re going to have sex Right Now, just something close and intimate, that might get her more in the mood. From the shoulder massage (being behind her), some light kisses behind her ear… if she’s in any sort of mood she might respond positively. Worth a shot.
If you guys can’t figure it out, honestly, it may be time to move on. You are young and let’s be honest you are horny as F!!!!! I understand that, so your needs need to be fulfilled before you turn into an old man who will be wondering what you missed out on. Don’t do that!!!!
I had this issue (F) I was with a guy and in the beginning everything was fine, but after 8 months I started to get a very low Libido and didn’t even wanna think about sexual acts, my bf at the time was very pushy as he had a high libido like you and it was very frustrating because he was such a nice guy and I didn’t know what was wrong with me.
Fast forward to about a year after, I realise I was not in love with him… but my body realised before me, hence why I avoided sexual acts, because he wasn’t compatible with what I wanted in a person in order to have a sexual connection or desire, I was forcing myself (without realising) to engage on sexual acts just because he was an amazing guy.
I dont wanna say something bad but what I’m getting from this is exactly what happened to me, she might have fallen out of love.
To women sex goes hand in hand with love, so if you’ve only been together for 2 years and she just stopped having sex with you and runs away from it (unless she was pregnant or started taking birth control because that messes with your libido A LOT)… it’s not looking good, it feels like you guys rushed into a relationship and it might’ve been too much for her…
Talk to her about how she has been contradicting.
Been married for 46 years. Started same way you described. Then shut down like you. Even went to romantic locations and all she wanted to do was read her books. I was miserable for 40 years. So I gave up and shut down.
I decided the friendship was more important than walking away.
Now she’s wanting sex and I’m no longer interested.
try to wake her up. If not able to, decide before it’s too late, can you endure and hurt from the loss of a big part of marriage, or do you walk away.
Good luck
If this is too personal to answer, you don’t have to. Is your gf on any medications? As this may be killing her sex drive too
Probably a Hormonal imbalance. I have been with my husband for over 7 years. We always had a good sex relationship until I got diagnosed with cancer. After chemo my hormones were all over the place. After 6 months I was getting so frustrated with myself I actually talked about opening the marriage on his side for the time being just for sex until I could get myself sorted out. Thankfully my hormones are finally starting to balance and I’ve been having a higher sex drive again. Is she on any medications? Because that can lead to a different sex drive too. have her talk to her doctor, or gyno about it.
Why is this me with my girlfriend I been trying not to step out of the relationship again because honestly if they don’t want to do it you can’t force them but maybe talk to her if that doesn’t work then I don’t know
Is she on birth control or antidepressants? I was surprised to find out that birth control absolutely killed my libido.
For me, I still had like… a “meta” sex drive. I wanted to want to have sex. For me at that time, the compromise was to do sexual things with my partner that didn’t totally involve my body, since I didn’t crave sex at all. That might be something like having him masturbate on me. I feel like those things did improve my sex drive somewhat – it was exciting to see him having a good time, though it had the somewhat frustrating side effect of making me a little horny and jealous after he got off. Him giving me like a back rub or telling me how sexy he found me definitely helped. Seeing him get off while not being an imposition on me but still involving me was also definitely helpful. What we aimed for was 1 instance of him getting off with me in the middle of the week and then us trying to actually have sex on weekends. I think we were both reasonably happy with this.
Sounds like you guys have a great opportunity to be friends. If you’re not having sex and not married with kids then you won’t have more sex in the future. I know you love her but dump her and remain friends.
Get out now. Cut your losses and find someone with a similar sex drive to your own.
Try rewinding to when you did have sex a lot. Were you just going to stick it in or was there a bit of romance leading up to those moments. Start with a date, hold hands & what not and you’ll be good