So I (M27) managed to go on my first date since 2016. We clicked a lot on various issues and interests, our date went well and started to make plans via text after I had took her home. We were planning and chatting along, to which she brought up when was the last time I had had sex. I was caught off guard (this should have been a red flag in asking such a question this early) but told her it had been around 3-4 years or so since I had. She didn’t reply for almost 30 minutes until she texted back to tell me she wasn’t comfortable with someone that had not been intimate with anyone in such a “long” time.
I texted back asking why was this an issue as she had never mentioned it nor anything about sex until then, but never got a reply back. The last week has made me feel extremely worthless as I had been struggling socially for a few years now, and now I feel like a freak of nature for being out of the game for so long.
What should I do incase she decides to text me back for whatever reason?
34 comments
Big red flag. You’re better off without her.. just ignore her if she does she sounds like drama.
>What should I do incase she decides to text me back for whatever reason?
It depends. If she gets back and, you know, *apologizes* for panicking, that’s one thing. If she gets back and tries to gas light or ignore the issue? Delete and block.
And look: none of us know what exactly her concern is here. Doesn’t seem very reasonable to me but she’s not writing in to explain herself, you are.
But in general, I don’t think a “gap” of 3-4 years is a big deal for most people Life happens, least of all with a fucking pandemic in the middle of that time span.
ignore and move on. She can have her reasons but that’s not worth your time and it’s weird. Shit happens, some people go years without fucking and it isn’t a big deal.
Shes not texting you back sorry
Thats pretty rude on her part. Sounds like a her problem not yours. Don’t take it to heart
That’s a pretty weird thing to turn someone down over. I don’t think you missed out with her.
I had a big abstinence once for several years and it wasn’t an issue when I started dating again. This is a major red flag for me and you’re better off without her. Continue to be honest and don’t let it put you off dating.
You saw the red flag for what it was. Congratulations, and I mean that sincerely. Many men cannot see red flags. You dodged a bullet, IMO.
The right sex partner will get to know you and will be okay with dry spells and inexperience. She obviously is not. She is going to end up with guys who are experienced and who have had sex recently but who may be selfish.
She probably is not going to text you back. But if she does, tell her that you thought it over and need someone who is not judgmental, that you would not be judgmental of issues a woman has, and she is not the right one for you. In other words, reject HER.
I don’t know what you’re looking for, but a serious relationship wasn’t going to come from there.
A good woman would look out for you, care for you and your comfort, this one probably just wanted sex so don’t even worry about it.
If she ever texts back make sure you understand that you don’t need anything from her, being polite is optional.
Firstly, there’s nothing wrong being out of the game for an extended period. Many people go through this for various reasons — work, lifestyle, mental health , etc. It happens and it’s fine. So do try not to feel so bad because it happens.
Now, moving on to what to do of she replies. Hold yourself to a standard. I understand you’re not feeling great, but you need to decide what you will and will not accept from a possible partner. Just because it’s been awhile does not mean you need to settle for less than you deserve.
Firstly, don’t hold out for a message because it may not arrive. Second, if she does message — well the response is up to you and what you want. If you want an explanation, you could ask. However, if you ask me, she’s already been insensitive with her reply, and contributed to you feeling the way you are. Plus, she’s then ignored you completely after the fact.
While it may be tempting to reply and perhaps see what happens, I always believe when someone shows you who they are, believe them. You stated that y’all had so much in common and connected , yet the mere fact you’ve not had sex in x number of years basically rendered everything else pointless ? Yeah doesn’t sound like a promising potential connection to me if that’s where someone’s priorities lay.
The only exception to all this is if she comes back with a proper apology and explains. That’s the very least you deserve.
She sucks. Move on.
I’m not gonna lie, I’d feel like shit if I got ghosted for that reason because I’m in the same boat as you.
That being said, you definitely dodged a bullet
Wow, I am so sorry that she did that and that she is judging you based on something so personal. I really feel for you, I also went years without sex. I wasn’t interested or in a place for sex or relationships. I had a hookup or two, but they had months or years in between. I hadn’t even dated anyone since high school. One day, after 2 years of no sex, I met my now bf in a bar. We went on dates and started getting to know each other. In that process, he revealed that it had been years since he had sex or dated. 9 months later, we are happy and in love. We both understood each other’s stories and didn’t judge each other for our lives.
This woman was a dud, but that doesn’t mean dating is hopeless. You can find someone that understands, is kind and empathetic, and might even have a similar experience. There is nothing wrong with you, and just because you are a man doesn’t mean sex is or should be your identity. Remember to be kind and compassionate with yourself!
She’s not going to text you back
When you told her how long it’s been she saw that as a sign that you’re a man of low sex value. It’s the reverse of when you have a girlfriend and women find you more desirable
You said she asked you after you dropped her off at home and you were texting to make plans. She likely was expecting you to make a move on her on the date and noticed that not only you didn’t but that you may be out of touch sexually. Therefore she asked when was the last time you were sexually active, and decided you weren’t good enough since it had been beyond a reasonable amount of time in her eyes.
It’s a cold move of her to make, didn’t even try to give you a chance. It’s understandable that it would gut your self-esteem. If it’s any consolation, she didn’t care to know you much and even if it worked out longer than the talking phase it wasn’t going to work out in the long-term
On the 1% chance she does text you: reject her. No hate or resentment, don’t be a baby about it. But rejecting her after she disrespected you and came back is premium fuel for a healthy ego
Eh, you are fairly old, and you’ll realize the older you get, and the times that are spent in between partners, some ladies actually see it as a red flag.
“Why hasn’t anyone been dating OP, what is wrong with him?”
Not fully trying to understand that you may have had some bad shit happen, or you just really enjoy your time alone. Kind of shitty, but it seems like if they can’t even try to understand why you went so long, they won’t really try to understand much about you either.
Maybe you are better off, maybe she is your soulmate. Point being, at least you now know a bit more about how the ladies run.
I think it’s normal for people who tend to have serious relationships to have longer periods without partner. It’s unhealthy to jump into new relationship immediately after breakup.
I think this woman was looking for one night stand, not a human being. So you are better without her as you who wants relationship would not be compatible with one who has sex with multiple partners without relationship.
I was worried about this before. Then I found out the girl I’ve been talking to had only had sex once. Pressure gone.
Don’t worry mate. When the right one comes along, it’ll all work out as it should.
The late-age virgin’s worst nightmare; at least you’ve done it before, not to diminish your pain.
I’m of two minds here. First, she absolutely should not care and this is 100% a her problem. I don’t believe her behavior is common and I think it’s generally better that you’re upfront about it as you were. It tempers expectations. But second, you’re under no obligation to discuss your sexual history with anyone before you’ve even been intimate with them yourself, other than providing a recent STI screening for their health.
Sorry, buddy. Better luck with the next one. She won’t come back around, but if she does tell her to kick rocks.
she knows all of the sex moves have been thought up in the last 4 years and not since the Romans ruled
Block her.
A 3 to 4 year gap, where 3 years was during a global pandemic….
Yeah, she is crazy
I know that feel.
I myself hadn’t done anything sexually in about 4 years. Girl I was just beginning to see, claimed the same, but then was surprised that I was so awkward in bed when we tried to do the deed.
Then things just didn’t work out after that. Joys of getting older and not having the consistent practice as you age, meaning everytime you try and do something, some things just don’t work as good as they used to. You end up having to relearn your nosy again with a new partner each time.
Never ever tell a girl -exactly- what you’ve been up to sexually or romantically. They all want to know. They long for every single detail of your intimate adventures, but the more you tell, the higher the possibility somewhere along the line it might turn the girl off.
More importantly, once you’ve told her all this stuff, what’s left the for a girl to unravel? Mystery is largely what it is about in the first (if not most) stages of dating. Girls say they hate it but the more you own it, the more they long for you.
You can do better, block and delete.
I (31F) hadn’t had sex in nearly 4 years before my current partner. I was battling a lot of health issues and dating was nowhere near my priority list. I had a bigger focus, y’know, staying alive.
There is nothing wrong with having a big break from sex and the reason does not matter one bit. Actually, for me, someone who has been on a bit of a break is more appealing than someone sleeping around for the sake of it. She is the red flag, not you.
**Q1: Why did she reject you for being sexually abstinent for a couple of years?**
**A:** I am going to provide you with a different explanation as to why she rejected you than the previous commenters. Irrespective of whether she was looking for something casual or long-term, maybe she was expecting you to be **laying the pipe** while she was just spreading them. A lot of women have this expectation of men when we’re thrusting +90% of the time during penetrative sex and I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s one of them 🤨
**Q2: What should you do if she texts you back for whatever reason?**
**A:** You should tell her to go **fuck herself** in whatever phrasing you choose. You deserve far better than her.
Next time it comes up say you decided to prioritize yourself and make some improvements or changes because you wanted to be ready for someone special.
She’s prob boned someone who had a dry spell like that ( I’ve had a dry spell like that and the first time was def not good)
If she has a big issue with your 3-4 year break, cut the line and let her go. Sounds like she might be too focused on performance and skill and not enough on interest in YOU as a person/date.
Her stupidity is a result of societies immaturity and lack of understanding of life; you didn’t miss out on having sex, you missed out on moving forward with a girl who clearly would have filled your life with toxic drama.
If she’s into you and it leads to bad sex, so what, you build on that, learn about each other’s wants and needs, and eventually through good communication, you’ll both eventually lead to having great sex….that’s the worst case
Anything worth having is worth working for; she’s thinking selfishly and about her own pleasure. This isn’t someone that would want to build and work towards a great future WITH YOU.
It’s OK she’ll find a guy who fucks regularly just so she can complain about only finding fuck boys.
Focus on yourself, and build yourself into the man you are capable of being; with that woman will be lining up to talk to you
i knew a girl that had this attitude because she’d been with a guy who got weirdly obsessed with her and she thought her being his first in a long time was a big factor in that. That could be her mindset too? its shitty but there is a kind of logic from their perspective
Bro you dodged a huge bullet don’t even respond. If she had such a weird opinion such as this and decides to not respond to you after saying such a thing she probably has other weird opinions as well that would mess with a relationship.
That was extremely rude and heartless of her to say. I don’t see how your not being intimate with someone in a while has anything to do with you as a person whatsoever. Sorry this happened to you. I would let it go with her and move on.
🚩🚩🚩
So her attraction to you is dependent on other people? She sounds dumb. You’re better off without her.
Block her and delete the number. You are more than the frequency of your sexual activity.