Alright, so I am not sure if this counts as a “relationship” issue per say, but I recently had a hookup that left me with a bad experience. We had met through a dating app and after a couple days of chatting, we agreed to meet up a couple of days ago and watch a movie with the intent being to have sex.
When she finally comes over, she is significantly less attractive than her pictures on her profile were. Now to clarify, they were still pictures of her, but taken very tactically. Her personality did not vibe with mine either.
Very early in the night I more or less decided I did not want to proceed with a sexual encounter. However, when she started instigating, I did not stop her. She took the lead, she did everything she needed to do, but I mentally checked out of the situation.
After she finished, she got up and left. I was kind and gave her the standard courtesies. However, since that night I have been feeling very icky about the whole situation.
The following morning, I did let her know that I don’t think it was going to worth and ended contact with her. However, I cannot shake this feeling of ickiness on how the night played out. I would like to prevent something like this from happening in the future, so identifying what may have “gone wrong” will be appreciated.
Thanks!
19 comments
I’m sorry this happened dude. I completely understand this feeling. A dude wanted to have sex with me and I wasn’t attracted to him but felt like I was in too deep to say no, he didn’t pressure me, I just felt like I shouldn’t say no.
All you can do is be a better advocate for yourself. Don’t be scared to say no! Even if you have to lie about an excuse to make it less awkward. Hurting her feelings by saying no isn’t as bad as having sex with someone you don’t like. You can and should put yourself first in that situation. Get comfortable and confident in letting people down in order to honor yourself!
Letting things happen is never good. Speak for yourself and don’t count bodies that don’t count because you goofed yourself. You can say no and if you’re bored well you goofed yourself.
Hey, sorry that you didn’t have a great experience here. The way to prevent it in the future is to not sleep with someone if you’re getting the vibe that you don’t want to, even if they do.
I think you need to remind yourself that it’s ok to say “no” to a hookup, no matter what sort of expectation was set up beforehand. I think men have it hammered in their heads that they should always be down to have sex with someone who’s asking for it. Sometimes you can feel guilty by turning down a woman or worried you’ll make them feel unattractive. Or you feel like you’re not being a “man” by saying no to sex.
It’s always, always okay to say no. It’s always okay to change your mind.
So what you’re saying is that you thought she would be more attractive than she actually turned out to be? And so, you were no longer interested in hooking up.
But you did, because why? You couldn’t help yourself or you felt trapped or you felt you should?
So you’re feeling unsettled, which means lesson learned. Next time, more self control.
Its call being a good person, the ick is your minds way of saying that that is not the right way to treat others. Its there to help you learn to be a better person everyday
> I did let her know that I don’t think it was going to worth and ended contact with her.
I appreciate that you actually told her it wasn’t going to work. Best for everyone involved.
> I would like to prevent something like this from happening in the future, so identifying what may have “gone wrong” will be appreciated.
You at some point decided to not stop her. She was there under the impression, maybe even the agreement you two were going to have sex. So it was on you to change the agreement when you realized you didn’t want to anymore.
I get it though, I’ve been in a very similar situation and went forward with it too and afterward I didn’t really understand why. I think it was just me thinking with the wrong head if you know what I mean. Because even though mentally I didn’t want to move forward, her advances still made my penis ready to move forward and I think it kind of took over from there.
So. I think as soon you know you don’t want to proceed, say something before you’ll be potentially manipulated into things going the other way. And that manipulation is through no fault of the other party, because they don’t know better, so make sure they know better as soon as you know. In my example I made the mistake of being like “I’ll just finish the movie and have her out the door”, but she initiated during the movie and that’s when it all happened.
This was a learning experience, you’ll most likely get past the ick of it, I did. And I won’t let it happen again, I think you have it within you to do the same.
Men are real bad at saying no. We are on the demand side of the sex market so it’s hard to say no when actually you’re not that into it.
What went wrong is: you ignored your gut and put her feelings ahead of yours and did something you didn’t want to. Listen to your gut next time and just accept that you’re going to have to confront an awkward situation.
You went forward when you didn’t want to. You let your dick do the thinking.
Edit: Although, reading your post, I wonder how many cues you gave or didn’t gave off that you were into the sex. You said you “mentally checked out.” Were you talking to her, moving, actively engaging all while mentally checked out? Or were you just lying there, not saying anything, kind of limp and mentally checked out? If the latter applies, I find it concerning she either didn’t notice you weren’t actively participating, or she didn’t care. It’s hard to tell based off the information you gave.
——
I was doing some research for my job a few months ago and stumbled upon a qualitative study with men explaining their reactions during “unwanted sexual encounters.” These were defined as situations of “silent reluctance” where men went along with sex or sexual activities they didn’t want to have, but weren’t pressured, forced, or coerced into doing so.
These were encounters where the man or the partner initiated sex and then the man ended up not wanting to move further, or didn’t want to have sex in the first place but went along with it. There were other categories in addition to “Silent Reluctance” encounters, such as men’s experiences of rape and sexual assault, but just sharing the one category here.
A lot of the men explained they felt societal pressure to “be a man” and be up for sex at any time, or were worried about what the partner, especially female partners, might tell their friends if they declined. A lot of men also expressed they felt a lot of internal pressure to “be nice” to the partner and just get it over with – they were concerned about hurting their partner’s feelings.
Obviously, this is a qualitative study with 590 men and isn’t necessarily generalizable to the larger population of men. I don’t know if any of this resonates, but just bringing it up in case any of it feels relevant.
[I’ll share the study abstract below](https://psycnet.apa.org/buy/2019-62901-001).
Side note – I don’t like the repeated use of the term “males” instead of “men” in the article, but it is what it is.
You have here what we call a ‘mistake’. You did a thing, and now you regret doing it. That’s fine. Only boring people never make mistakes.
The solution is next time you don’t want to have sex with somebody, follow that instinct. Say ‘no’. You don’t owe her sex just because she showed up expecting it.
Its not serious mate. Just a thing that happened. In the future just try to be more brave and vocalize what you think – ofcourse in a tactful way so not to make others feel bad. But remember that your feelings arent less important than theirs.
Your too kind for your own good and I know that feelings because I am the same type of person but you gotta learn when to say “no” even if you will feel bad about it. It best to feel bad then do something you don’t want to do just for someone else’s enjoyment
Was the sex at least ok?
Part of the problem was inviting someone you haven’t actually met, to your house, with the already established plan of having sex. It created a situation where when you saw them and weren’t attracted, you didn’t want to tell them hey, I’m actually not attracted to you, go home, and instead just went through the motions so that you didn’t create conflict. To avoid it, it would be easier to meet casually first, in a neutral location. Otherwise you’ll have no other option but to turn someone down on the spot.
Don’t fuck people you barely know.
Don’t lead with the expectation of sex.
Im female and have had serious serious ickies.
Stopped putting myself in icky situations. Problem solved.
I would your lessons for the future are 1- be very cautious when meeting from dating sites/apps for the first. 2- use your voice to tell them to stop if you don’t want the situation to escalate. 3- try not to think about the experience. Everyone has sexual encounters they regret at some point in their life. Don’t let it ruin you just try to be better prepared for next time so it won’t happen again.
That sucks man. Tbh anyone who “dates” casually has been there. Just take a shower, maybe relax and meditate a bit and then next time you know what to do. This is one of those “only make it once” type of mistakes. Unless you actually want to in the moment, you can say no.
This happened to me a couple times. I didn’t have the guts to say no and just went along with it and HIGHLY regretted it both times. I learned to never let anyone pressure me or make me feel like I owed them sex. Protect yourself in the future. Stick to your NO response.