I (25F) had a breast reduction, a tummy tuck (I lost a lot of weight) and another scar from surgery. Sadly, I don’t scar well so they’re quite ugly/big..
I avoided dating and having sex with anyone because of this : I was scared it would turn ppl off or to scare them.
So I have 2 questions :
1) does scars bother you a lot? Would it be a reason for you to reject someone?
2) should I warn people before hooking up?
I don’t want to feel like I’m trapping someone but at the same time discussing before seem a bit weird…
Thank you in advance!!!
19 comments
It’s an imperfect world, nobody is without scars, emotionally, physically and or mentally.
We accept people (or not) by who the are, not marks on a body.
Scars do not bother me. My wife has similar scars. I have some other ones. Before we hooked up for the first time we mentioned them to one another. Just a heads up. Of course neither one of us cared. That was 15ish years ago.
If it comes up organically, I don’t think it would be a big deal to bring it up before hand.
Or, you can wait until they’re uncontrollably horny, and show them and it won’t matter.
I know that little imperfections can weigh on your mind, especially when you have to show them to someone else. And whoever you date is going to struggle with SOME part of their body they don’t think is attractive. The last woman I was with apologized for the callouses on her feet because she had a labor-intensive job, as if it was something to be ashamed of (it’s not). But if I were you, I wouldn’t even mention them. Here’s why:
Speaking as a man, if you get to the point where you’re both taking your clothes off, the very last thing he’s going to be thinking about is a few scars, no matter how big you think they are. Trust me. At that point his entire attention is focused elsewhere.
Talk about your scars afterward if you feel like it. I’d give even odds he doesn’t even bring them up, no matter how big, just out of basic sensitivity. Bringing them up beforehand, as if they’re some kind of deal-breaker (again, they are absolutely NOT!) is going to make them a much bigger deal than they would otherwise be.
No, I wouldn’t. Actually, I have some pretty amazing scars from emergency surgery, and I’ve come to accept them. It can be hard to be comfortable with new people, but the scars were kinda conversation starters.
I don’t think they are a big deal, but if you are worried about it, you may just mention the surgeries at some point when it could be said in a normal conversation. They may not put two and two together immediately, but it will save the potential question later.
No, they wouldn’t bother me in the least.
Yes, it’s reasonable to let someone know before you start getting naked that you’ve got some marks on your body from your past. They’re not a bad thing, but there are likely a few folks out there who might respond poorly, and it’s better to get that out of the way with your clothes on.
No, they’re a part of who you are, by the time I’ve got someone’s clothes off I’m rather more interested in what we’re about to do than how we’ll look doing it.
Nothing can hurt from sharing. I had an ex that had a large scar across her midsection and she wouldn’t tell me what it was from. And it drove me wild thinking about what it was from because the shit was over a foot long and was deep. All I knew it was from surgery. It’s been nearly 7 years and I still never found out.
But my point is it was never a turn off but I thought about it a lot and it pops up even now so long without contact
My wife has scars from before we met
First off, you should be super proud of yourself for the effort you’ve put in to getting healthy and losing the weight. It takes a lot of determination and consistency to do that. So high five to you!
I’ve experienced this with 2 women and I can only give you my own thoughts and opinions.
Neither of those women told me that they had lost a lot of weight and I couldn’t even tell that they were at one point obese. However, when it came to the intimacy party of it, it was obvious and surprising and I didn’t like being surprised like that. Nobody’s bodies are perfect and that’s totally fine but both of their insecurities were still there from their past and that was the biggest turn off for me.
I would suggest telling future partners about it beforehand so that for one, you can weed out the people that might be turned off by it. And second, you can save yourself from a situation that could potentially lower your self-esteem. Especially because you’ve worked so hard to build yourself up.
Scars are quite beautiful, in my opinion. Have some myself. I would never bat an eye. If anything, it would be a conversation opener after the deed. You know, just to get to know them better.
I hope you know you are more than your scars, and that your scars tell a story that the right person would like to know.
Honestly, I’d mention it.
Not because it’s some hideous deformity that you’re morally obligated to disclose — merciful Aphrodite no. To answer your first question, if this is my first time with a woman I’m into, I’m going to be much too “Whoo hoo! I’m totally getting naked with this chick I’m into!!!” to really give a shit about that kind of cosmetic stuff. And I suspect most people are the same way. I mean, your experiences are your experiences, but I find it unlikely that someone who’s eager to bang you is going to suddenly be all “Good heavens! Scars! If there’s one thing I positively cannot abide, it’s physical imperfection in someone with whom I’ve having sexual congress!”
No, I’d mention it ahead of time for two reasons. One, to give them a chance to be all “Cool, don’t give a shit” and help salve that emotional wound a bit. And two, so that all but the most socially inept of partners will take the hint of “Hey, u/Acceptable-Life1440 is super self-conscious about her scars. I need to be careful if I ask her about them, and should probably mention how good she looks when naked.” Though to really hammer that home, you could explicitly mention that you’re self-conscious about them.
This sounds like a non-issue to me. I think you’re fine.
If somebody I was dating told me about scarring due to reduction surgery etc., I would have no qualms whatsoever moving forward. And if they DO have serious reservations, they’re clearly not the right person for you, so who cares if they bolt?
Haven’t you heard? Dudes dig scares. You’re like a Witcher. But really no it’s not an issue
I sympathize! I am about to have a big surgery in March that will give me a scar similar to a tummy tuck. And, I have breast reduction scars. Ever since some guy said I have “Frankenstein tits”, I have been deeply closed off even though the scars have faded a lot and it’s been almost 10 years since the surgery.
I personally would like to know before, not because I would be bothered but because I might unintentionally react with surprise for a split second when seeing them.
Which might lead to the other person feeling self-conscious and me feeling like shit for causing that.
But it’s just a suggestion, not something that *needs* to be disclosed in my opinion.
In short, no. You shouldn’t. Scars are natural, everybody has them and you shouldn’t feel a need to even bring them up unless someone asks you about them. And if they do, don’t feel pressured to answer. You can always say it’s none of their business, or if you don’t mind giving the truth, go for it. But, no. I don’t think it’s necessary to warn them.
Nah. In my experience, and I have some impressive scarring, it’s never been an issue. We judge ourselves way more harshly than others do.