By crippling desperation, I mean when and how did you come to the realization that you were hopelessly desperate for a relationship, to the point that this desperation was preventing you from actually finding a healthy relationship by scaring away good people and only attracting toxic ones? Have you overcome it? If so, how?
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For me it was a slow realization, but it was a combination of:
1) A disastrous online relationship with a girl who hid that she already had a BF from me
2) Me being so desperate that when a snowstorm hit, rather than rescheduling the date as she had suggested, I went through with the date and showed her why my desperation was a red flag
3) A couple of sad hookups with girls I was not that attracted to, and then when I tried to make something more happen I got spurned or ghosted
4) Me almost flunking out of school because I spent more time going on dates and chasing women rather than studying and doing homework
I overcame this by identifying the root cause of my desperation (a porn addiction), stamping it out, working on myself, and learning to take things slow and communicate better. Now I’m in a happy relationship.
Honestly am I entirely over my depression? No. Yet, I will say I have come a long way. I go to therapy and just was thinking hmm this isn’t working, but I listened to a podcast about how this dude found out he has self destructive tendencies. I realized I’m kind of the same. I got so used to being upset and sad and anxious that I would look for things to poke holes in what I had going good. I was doing the same for my current relationship and I still do it sometimes, but I try to catch it early before it gets too bad. I’m someone who is super anxious and overthinks everything. I dove into my work and became really good at it. Only ever thinking about work. My GF told me early on that if we were together and I was doing work things with her she would take my phone. She kinda brought me out of that dark place. But the biggest help for me was when it started to get dark, I would just find someone to be with. If that wasn’t an option I will fill my time with reading, learning new things, working out. So I’m not hyper fixated on what if “this” or what if “that,” but more so having healthy outlets rather than destructive ones dragging me down.
I realized this when I went on dates with people I didn’t like and knew/could FEEL I was meh about them. I was burnedout from OLD and forced myself to give everyone a chance and “expand.” AKA take anything.
Since recovering lol, I’ve opened up my dating pool but I have a clearer idea on my preferences.
FFS, I was dating men I wasn’t attracted to hoping it’d grow, I’m extremely active (gym, cycling,etc.) and dated people who overate, drank too much, couch potatoes, video games, clubbing, frivolous spending, yadda. (And the thing is these men could sense I wasn’t really into them and dipped. Which hurt even more bc LMAO.)
I realized a lot of my values didn’t align with these men and it was my wake up call that my desperation was stemming from being burnedout. I felt like I had so many “failed” dates that I’d just go out with anyone for the sake of POTENTIAL.
I was also going through a lot of life stuff and throughout all of it healed. I went to therapy, journaled about my ideal partner, my ideal self, connected with friends, went to the gym more, and as annoying as this sounds: got super comfortable being alone. I wasn’t uncomfortable before but I was YEARNING. I worked through and identified these emotions/feelings.
Forgive yourself. Have compassion. Laugh about it. And really know what you enjoy in yourself and others. And tbh, trust that gut feeling and please, please walk away at the first sign of disrespect (however you define it.)