My boyfriend “Joe” (22M) and I (22F) have been together for 6 years. We met in high school, became friends then fell in love. We love spending time together, we talk about everything and we make eachother laugh.
I am a very introverted person and I’m also extremely anxious when it comes to social situations, wether Joe is more extroverted and loves being around people.
We both have issues when it comes to following plans, managing anxiety and keeping an helathy lifestile.
We both live with our respective families, come from different backgrounds and manage these problems differently.
I need to have everything planned to the smallest detail, I overthink my schedules a lot and often need support from others (for example, study with other people to concentrate, pay a doctor to help me with my diet). Joe however prefers to “do it alone”; he admitted to not liking asking for help, and has adopted a “I’ll figure it out myself” kind of attitude towards his problems, as “planning makes him nervous” (his words).
Our relationship is at a breaking point, from my point of view. We work amazingly as friends, we love and respect each other so much. Nevertheless, he doesn’t allow me to help him, and he refuses to help me (for example, I’ve asked him to study with me, and he refused. I also asked him moral support at a time when I signed for a gym membership, and instead he avoided the subject of working out entirely because it made him feel bad). It has come to a point where I’m in need for help, and when I turn to him he’s in a even worse state, plus he gets irritated and/or avoids me.
I feel like I’m alone when I need him most, and I feel terrible for not being useful to him as well.
He also refuses to ask his friends/teachers for help/guidance. Personally, my UNI professors aren’t helpful, but I have a couple of friends I turn to for help sometimes.
Both of our families are unable to help for different reasons.
I suggested he see a psycologist, but he hates the idea, telling me I should do it instead. He knows that I cannot do that, as my sister is already in therapy, and going myself as well would be too heavy for my family’s economic situation (his family is, on the other end, pretty wealthy, so he could actually do it).
I would like for us to stay toghether for a long time, even live together at some point, but I don’t see that happening if neither of us changes. I have told him this, but he disagrees, and says that we work fine, that he loves me, and that thigs will improve eventually. I want a future where we can both be happy, possibly together, but I don’t know where to start. He hates planning anything, from a one day trip to our possible life together (he says he’d like to live together but doesn’t want to talk about it, even if they’re all fantasies??).
How can I help him? Am I even able to?
TL;DR: bf and I both deal badly with anxiety and sticking to plans, need suggestions on ways to deal with it better as people and as a couple.
6 comments
Break up. Both of you refuse to get help from a trained professional and your anxiety prevents you both from having a healthy relationship with each other.
You have different values systems but most universities have a free counseling service staying together as a couple will mean sacrifices that run counter to some of your values hard to navigate this through an emotional cloud without an objective person to help you
People change as they ‘grow up’. It sounds like the relationship has just run it’s course. Move on and cherish the memories and be thankful it lasted all through high school. That’s a pretty amazing feat.
You can’t help him if he won’t help himself. He may very well change as he grows up, but you need to accept him as he is for the sake of your relationship. Or move on
He doesn’t seem interested in you, if he ever was….
Stop “helping”! Love him for how he is or break up. “Helping” and telling people to see a therapist makes people feel like you are disappointed in them or that they aren’t good enough. If he doesn’t ask for help, let him do it on his own, even if he struggles. See if you can get your needs for study and gym partners from other people. Partners can’t fulfill all of our needs, and those seem like ones that can be outsourced. What things do you like about this relationship?