My husband and I have been married for 15 years and have had a pretty good sex life (or so I thought). We don’t have sex as frequently as we used to, but until a few months ago we still had sex a couple of times a month and I feel like we know what works for each other. I finish almost every time and he finishes most of the time as well, but my husband is frustrated that our sex is “monotonous”.
I know what I like, and I’m pretty happy with how things are. I will admit that our sex is pretty similar and we don’t have a lot of variety, but I’m also not really into anything weird. My husband is frustrated because we used to do more things (more oral, some role play, occasionally back door stuff, etc) and we wants to do more. I’m resistant because those things didn’t really do much for me and honestly the pressure to do them makes me even more resistant. I feel like it’s pretty normal to fall into a bit of routine when you get to know somebody and what they like, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
I’ve told him this and he’s stopped pushing me to try other stuff. However, over the past 3-4 months he’s stopped initiating almost entirely and we’ve only had sex twice. I also know he’s masturbating more, which doesn’t make me feel great. Part of me wants to try to get into some different things, but I also feel like him pressuring me, then withholding sex isn’t really helping.
Has anybody experienced this before? Am I being unreasonable by knowing what I like? Does anybody have any advice on how I might be more comfortable with new things in the bedroom so I can meet him halfway a bit?
15 comments
It’s good you’re happy… But he clearly is not. It kind of sounds like he might be feeling unheard or like his needs aren’t important. It’s all about compromise and empathy. You love him and want him to be happy, I assume. Sure, you don’t have to sign a contract of X times a week or something. But maybe sometimes you can take advantage of a good mood or extra energy and make his day. Sometimes he can do the same based on what you might need. Hopefully you reach a happy medium. Would you say he ever did or does things for you that he benefits zero from?
“I feel like it’s pretty normal to fall into a bit of routine when you get to know somebody and what they like, but I don’t think that’s a bad thing”
This is an unhealthy attitude towards sex. Sex should always be fun and exciting.
There are SO MANY THINGS you can do that you would probably enjoy that won’t seem that weird and can really spice up your sex life and bring you together more. This can range from some simple toys to …. well … a lot.
I would suggest that, if you are up for at least ‘learning’ about some different things, I wrote an article about [how we had conversations about kinkier sex](https://sexyfunadvice.com/2022/08/how-do-i-have-a-conversation-about-kinkier-sex/). These are some TV shows and some tools we used to get our spice on. We are not in our 50s and having the best sex of our lives.
So you’re conservative in the bedroom, there’s nothing wrong with that. The only thing I can really suggest is a little more spontaneity, maybe some acts of attention outside the bedroom just to reaffirm affection, sexual attraction for each other. Maybe lingerie if you’re comfortable with that. I know this seems like it’s putting a lot of pressure on you, but you’re making the post not him. I’d suggest something similar to him. (probably not the lingerie lol)
Are you at all opposed to toys? I know for myself. I really enjoy using toys on my wife. It makes her happy and I enjoy it. I just be cautious that whatever toys you select don’t make him feel like he’s not able to satisfy you. (nothing large, or like a cock sleeve.) you don’t want to inadvertently emasculate him.
Hope this helps. Good luck.
Do you live in a place where prostitution is legal? Maybe you can tell him to go get his kicks with a professional, that way you can keep having sex on your terms, and the husband is happy breaking the routine; just make sure you have rules set place so it doesn’t get out of hand ie. He never satisfies your needs when you decide you need.
He is clearly unhappy and unsatisfied. If he wants more, then give him more. It doesn’t matter how you feel, it matters how you BOTH feel. ..Communicate with him and find a way to meet in the middle.
I’m confused about a few things… the way you described it didn’t sound like he was pressuring you. It seems like he just had a conversation about his needs that weren’t getting met. Did he do something other than that? If so that’s an issue.
The second thing is you go on and on about how you know what you like and you’re happy but he’s told you that he isn’t and you don’t seem to care at all about that. It’s fine to know what you like and want but part of sex or really any part of a relationship is caring about what the other person wants. I’m not saying you should do things you hate but from time to time it’s perfectly reasonable to do things that aren’t strictly your favorite thing just because it makes the person you love happy and fulfilled!
It sounds to me like he tried to talk about it and when he was met with complete apathy and selfishness from you he kind of lost interest in sex with you altogether and stopped initiating. I don’t blame him, I’d be turned off too based on the way you talked only about yourself and your needs in your post.
I’m sorry no I haven’t experienced anything like that as regardless of how well I know my partner or what I like I I put in effort to keep things fresh and interesting. Sex should never be a routine it should always be fun.
>Part of me wants to try to get into some different things, but I also feel like him pressuring me, then withholding sex isn’t really helping.
An alternative read could be that he’s trying to express his needs and the results are not putting him in the mood, which may well be outside of his control.
As someone with quite a dirty mind that has been previously with vanilla-ish partners, I can try to give you some points to consider. You ask if doing the same thing can be OK if you know what you want, and that’s a reasonable question to ask. Sometimes it can be, but sometimes it isn’t. Sex can actually satisfy a diverse spectrum of needs that are all intertwined:
-the need to be seen and accepted as you really are, without shame;
-the need to see your partner intimately, a face that they show only you;
-the desire to be on a journey together, and to chart new territory – sometimes doing something new is about having explored together, more so than the specific thing that you did;
-the desire to reinvent oneself, to have your partner help you to become something more, something else, a new version of what you once were;
-the desire to leave a mark on your partner, to get under their skin and into their mind and to carve a heart in the most intimate and sacred folds of their existence.
All of the above typically requires more than just doing the same thing over and over. I see that you’ve already received some helpful comments, so I wanted to send you thinking in another direction than just “do roleplay”, “buy sexy clothes” or “bang in the forest”. All of these are good ideas, but it’s also important to think on the underlying reasons on **why** you’re doing what you’re doing.
Hope this helps,
When you say they didn’t do much for you, we’re they unpleasant, uncomfortable or merely meh.?
I ask because if it’s just meh, perhaps reframing it as the act of being a generous lover might be helpful.
Are there things you’re willing to try or do that you can bring up for conversation that aren’t are your no list?
And if there is simply no wiggle room here, I’d suggest you approach him with compassion and empathy. He’s in the position of accepting he will never have the sex he wants with you for the rest of his life. There’s grief with loss. He’s got to adapt and find a way to move forward. Masturbation no doubt is part of that right now. I’m imagining he feels terribly alone and maybe even ashamed. The power you have to help him grieve and to soothe him is immense. If you were to try and mirror back for him his loss, he could at least feel seen and accepted.
As for withholding sex, you are no more entitled to it than he is. You’ve said no to his requests. He must accept and live with it. Is he saying no to your requests, or is that you don’t initiate so if he’s not initiating, there is no sex? I suspect the sex you’ve been having may not have been particularly fulfilling for him and he’s branching out into more solo sex. He may be in the same place regarding your guy’s usual as you are about his requested changes.
You love each other. You’re in this together. Try and reach out to him so you two can put your heads together and find some better solutions that work for BOTH of you.
I wish you both all the best and many more happy years together.
Having sex a couple times a month really isn’t very often.
I feel sorry for him.
A few things.
Sex a couple times a month. Was that enough for him?
He is withholding sex. Is he? Is he punishing you? Or has he lost interest? Those are two different things.
He has stoped initiating. What happens when you initiate? Does he turn you down? What was the dynamic before? Did you used to initiate? Do you now?
I love vanilla sex but this whole dynamic sounds very stale. You sound like you don’t desire him. Don’t desire his pleasure or arousal.
OP you’re being selfish, but I get the impression you don’t recognize that you are. This whole post is about how you know what you like and don’t want to have to change for him. You don’t need to change, but you should be willing to compromise which means going a little out of your comfort zone for his pleasure. He does the same for you I am sure. If ur ain’t initiating it’s probably more so that he’s disconnecting.
Marriage counseling and sex therapy. It’s a problem if you are sexually satisfied and he is not.
Are there things that you want to try as well? You may not like what he wants to do, but he may enjoy what you want to do, and that could satisfy his desire for variety.