Hi /r/relationships, I’m in a bit of a pickle and would love some advice on how to gently handle this.
My partner (40M) and I (28F) have been together for a year and a half and live together. We contribute equally to rent and utilities and both work full-time…at least until now.
Without going into too much detail, my partner has been feeling dejected and burned out at his WFH job due to some internal happenings and has been skipping his work entirely.
I keep gently asking about how his job is going and he shrugs it off and says he’ll find something else. I’m worried he’s not thinking these impulsive actions through as I keep suggesting he shouldn’t burn bridges with his current manager so he can have positive references for future jobs. He brushed this suggestion off too.
I can see that he’s looking for jobs on job boards, but if I’m going to be honest, he’s not trying to find something secure as urgently as I’d like. What if we ran into an emergency? He insists I shouldn’t worry about finances – I know he has money saved up but it’s more about the security than the actual amount of money in our bank account.
I also wonder if it’s depression or anxiety, but he says it’s not depression and says he doesn’t need to see anyone for treatment. I deal with both depression and anxiety and have been undergoing treatment.
tl;dr My partner seems to be making irrational decisions and skipping his job without considering the future consequences and doesn’t seem to want to take my advice. What can I do to help him and soothe my anxiety?
2 comments
Oh boy this is horribly familiar. Even the age gap. I was him.
What worked for me: he needs to go in to work sometimes. I prefer WFH but I found that I needed to see my colleagues occasionally to make it *real*, to interact, to get fired up about the job. But even now, 20 years later, I’m work-averse. I have managed to get enough money every month to pay 50% of the bills, but that’s it. Meanwhile she’s a big-shot manager earning 5x what I do. She seems OK with it, but YMMV
Talk through what savings he has and what timeline he feels comfortable with. You are reacting based on lack of information and fear. He says he has savings and will cover the rent. Get him to talk through the numbers with you and the contingency plans if he loses his job. Or there is an emergency. So you know more about why he feels secure.
I hope he can get some help, or admit that he needs to make some changes. he really doesn’t sound happy. A job search can be very difficult, but he knows how to do it and has been successful at it before. If I were you I’d let up on the job worrying/nagging and put that energy into going for walks or planning something he likes to do to get him out of the house and moving his body regularly, if you can.
You can’t take responsibility for his career or his mood. You can express fear and concern, you can support his choices and actions
But you can’t make him do it your way. Try to trust thst he will come through with money, with a new job, with a happier partner, one way or another.