Looking for some help compartmentalizing, either from advice or just getting stuff off my chest here.
Last month I went way, way beyond the boundaries my wife and I had established for communicating and sexting with a potential third. I then compounded this by trying to hide it and getting caught almost immediately because we use each other’s phones all the time and I made no attempt to use physical security to hide things.
So obviously this breach of trust was very hurtful to her and we’ve been discussing it. My goal here is to be the best support for her I can at the moment by holding space and listening.
My issue right now is that as she articulates her pain it is recontextualizing an era 6-7 years ago when she was cheating on me. For example she talked about how she felt violated by my continuing to have a sexual relationship with her during illicit sexting. That’s a completely sensible reaction but it made me think: do I feel violated by an era where she was going out and having unprotected sex, not informing me, and sleeping with me? The answer is yes.
The thing is that now is the time for me to hold space for her pain and not complicate things by dredging up new feelings about almost a decade ago. I’ve been trying to stomp down these feelings because I have a whole lifetime of moments to discuss them with my wife and they don’t need to be brought up immediately. I’m having great difficulty doing this.
I was hoping I could use this space to shout some of my feelings into the void in the hopes that it allows me to focus on my wife right now. Maybe hear from some folks about how they compartmentalized during rough relationship times.
Here it is: The List of Things Upsetting Me Right Now That I Do Not Want to Think About Right Now:
– The aforementioned risk of STDs I was exposed to, and her lack of concern for her own health and safety
– I have not told a soul beyond my therapist that she cheated on me (barring this post right now), and she has told a couple of close mutual friends about my behavior. Now she can tell anybody whatever she wants, she’s a grown up who manages her relationships, but going to a friend who is closer to me than her feels punitive. I do not believe I did anything to make her life more difficult when she cheated and this one is sticking in my craw a bit.
– I feel very silly admitting this. The fact that she was cheating never really bothered me per se on its own, I’m not insecure and was more worried about the trust breach. But she told me a detail last night that hit me like a truck; I was devastated. She was sending photos that I took of her to her lovers, and somehow this knowledge feels much worse than the cheating did? Like imagining her taking our photos, which were done by me to show her how I view her beauty and body, and using them to get laid is really upsetting to me.
So thank you for reading. I’m hoping sharing this allows me to put it aside, be a support to my wife, and bring them up at a later time. If anybody has advice on how they have compartmentalized during intense relationship moments I’d love to hear them.
TL:DR: I cheated and I’m finding myself annoyed by new feelings about my wife cheating years ago, and would like to put them aside for a time so I can support her now.
11 comments
This is called blame shifting. You’re the one in the wrong now, focus on rebuilding trust.
Oh how the turn tables.
I’d recommend sharing your thoughts for feedback with the Esther Perel Discussion Group on FB if you’d like to hear another group of informed folks. Esther Perel’s work has been centred on infidelity and the public discussion group exists to explore relationship issues related to her work. So lots of folks on there who have cheated, been cheated on and/or are on marriage 2.0 following infidelity.
There’s a much bigger issue here than getting over the other partner cheating.
Cheating is not healthy or normal behavior in a relationship. If you guys were happy with eachother, there wouldn’t be cheating.
There are clearly needs that aren’t being met by both partners, or you guys wouldn’t have cheated. You need to figure out what needs aren’t being met, and fix that.
The issue here isn’t that you are both upset because the other partner cheated, the problem is there are issues in your relationship that led the other partner astray.
Figure out why you guys cheated, and work on the relationship from there.
Healthy and happy relationships don’t have cheating. Cheating is a deal breaker for most relationships, there’s little to no recovery after it happens in most relationships.
You need to figure out why you cheated and fix that problem, or just leave.
You’re making this sound like it’s just a normal marital argument, but it isn’t. That’s a major break of trust and shows a major lack of respect. Cheating isnt a small deal and it isn’t normal or healthy.
Work on your relationship. The cheating is a byproduct of an unhappy relationship.
So work on the relationship to make it happy and healthy, or just leave. What’s the point of staying in a relationship where both partners aren’t fulfilled and happy?
How you chose to deal with your feelings while she cheated does not and should not impact the way she choses to deal with it. When we act a certain way with people around us (usually in positive ways) it should NOT come with the expectation of a return of favor, unless explicitly stated. Other people are not mind readers and they don’t understand why we deal with things the way they do. And people usually deal with stuff in different ways. So expecting her to bottle up her feelings like you did, is a bit too much of an expectation.
Usually when we only act in certain ways because we expect the same kind of treatment, but take no action to communicate this expectation it ends in disappointment. So instead of focusing on her actions, focus on your reactions to her actions (it’s the only thing you actually have control over). If your friends are going to judge you for this, well, this is something you should have considered beforehand, now you can only “raise above it”. Hold your head high, and explain yourself if they care to listen and just move on… At a later date you could discuss with her how her actions had negative effects on you, and how you’d appreciate if she could be more confidential with your private life.
You basically are a “im ok with an open relationship but I’m in a monogamous one”
Type of guy. you clearly don’t care about her cheating which not many men can admit or be strong enough to deal with. But I think she’s too immature.
She cheated first so I don’t see why she’s so emotional about you doing it. Truth is she opened Pandora’s box and doesn’t like when she’s on the other end.
You need to honestly leave her. It was ok when she did it but when you do it it’s an issue. You two should’ve had the talk about if you’re monogamous or open becasue this was going to be inevitable. And it seems like she kept her partners from the way you describe it.
Ps- it ain’t your job to supprt your wife after cheating. Did she console you when she cheated on you?
Focus on yourself mate. Say what you want but I can tell your the catch in the relationship. She knows it.
A woman who knows a man doesn’t even get broken by her cheating knows she’s dealing with a man she can’t conquer and that bothers a lot of women. Many will stay just to see what finally gets you to break and quite honestly you have an imbalance in the dynamic.
You were suppose to get your cheat back opportunity a long time ago. It’s long overdue and this is how she’s acting? She best decide what she wants because
“be careful with people who will hold you to standard they failed at”
That’s my advice to you. She should accept the fact you got your get back and it’s time to move on. She is not in the right to even be upset about it, she cheated first. All bets are off the table
What’s funny is she prob is mad as hell and wants you to remember her cheating as if that’s suppose to make you feel bad. Look it’s up to you to decide if you’re going to stay together. But when people hold you accountable for things they couldn’t do themself, things get ugly real quick
Why is your relationship open? It doesn’t sound like it works for you
So basically, when she cheated before, you rugswept. Now, it’s come back, like it always does when you rugsweep. Your problem is that you have TWO problems, but you only want to deal with one of them. You at least seem willing to take responsibility for your choices (now that you’ve been caught), but has she ever taken responsibility for hers? If you bring it up now, the best you could probably expect is mutual rugsweeping of all issues, but that’s only going to continue to create more problems down the line. More likely, though, she’s not going to take any responsibility for her choices and you won’t be any better off.
Personally, I’d recommend IC for both of you to deal with your own individual issues. Then, maybe MC, if this marriage is still something you both want. I really wouldn’t be surprised if, after IC, you both come to the conclusion that this marriage isn’t healthy for either of you.
it sounds like you both are angry at each other with all the cheating stuff. you should ask urself, can u both put all this behind and start fresh? bc to me, id say yall are equal now.
What your wife did in the past is not in any way related to the incident now. If you did forgive her for what she did in the past, then you don’t get to use that as a Joker card for the rest of your life in your relationship. There is no relationship-Karma-scale, where you did bad thing X and got three negative points, but she did thing Y and so she’s getting 7 negative points and you then get credit to be sh***y. No, that’s not a thing.
What happened now is its own story and you are the one at fault. Two of your points are purely related to what she did in the past, the one remaining being that she’s telling her friends about this – you can choose to be upset about this, but not because you kept quiet way back.
Your feelings of “being annoyed about [your] wife cheating years ago” are your coping mechanism to deal with feelings of guilt.
Having said all that, with all of what you have mentioned, this would have been a completely dead relationship many many years ago *for me personally*, when your wife cheated on you all the way and with multiple people – and now you broke her trust also. To me this seems absolutely disfunctional and I would never accept this from my partner, even if it meant growing old alone, but you have spent 12 years together despite this past. So likely I simply cannot relate.
OP you respected your wife after her indiscretion and you worked through it , I’m sure it was heartbreaking.
I think it’s only normal to be upset that you haven’t been given the same respect from your wife. That doesn’t mean you should rugsweep your infidelity.
Unfortunately life’s not fair and there always seems to be someone paying a higher price and if you want to salvage your marriage it will have to be you.