Basically, a few weeks ago my husband “Greg” (not his real name) asked me for a paternity test for the kids and before I could even say anything started ranting about statistics and how apparently 60% of men find out the kids they thought were theirs actually arent and if I don’t do it he wants a divorce.
He straight up just blurted all of that out in less than a minute or two, scrolled some pages on his iPad and then stood there like “Well, what do you have to say for yourself” ???????? I was in the middle of making dinner for us and breast feeding one of the babies and I told him that I would never cheat because I’m not a piece of shit and this conversation shouldn’t be had in front of our children.
He got mad and walked off, I finished dinner and asked our oldest to watch the twins for about 10 minutes while I talked with dad. I was watching from the nanny cam the entire time as well, but didnt want our oldest son to hear this conversation and asked my husband to meet me in the garage. I asked him where these cheating accusations are coming from and he said he doesn’t think I would cheat but he wants to make sure his children are his.
FYI, I have never slept with another man.. I’ve never even kissed or went on a date with anyone besides my husband. I’ve never even seen anyone elses private parts besides his just to drive the point home. On top of that, he cheated during both of my first pregnancies and it took years for me to work through that and “get over it” but this just brought it all back up again.
I told him he should do what brings him peace, but he thinks I should pay for the DNA tests even though I make much less money than him because its “my fault” for him needing one ?????? I told him thats his own insecurity or maybe guilt because he knows he doesn’t deserve a loyal wife, but that he can get it done and I’m not paying for it.
# That was then, I guess in the time that has passed he had it done and it came back that all of our kids are his… obviously.
I’m black with dark skin, eyes, and hair and he’s white with ginger hair and green eyes.. all of our children have his red hair and hazel eyes, but a mix of our skin tones.
Instead of apologizing or just saying he wanted some reassurance, he said “So I found out you’re **not** a s(LU)t” without even checking to make sure our kids werent around to hear that type of language. I tried not to react too much but over the next few hours I just got angrier and angrier and packed a bag and told him to enjoy fathering his children for a few days by his self, because I’m going to go stay with my sister until I make a decision about this marriage.
He’s been blowing my phone up ever since and is now doubling down on his cheating accusations. I’m so tired of coddling his insecurities our entire marriage, and after I left my son texted me and said he doesn’t think I’m what dad called me, and after calling him and talking to my oldest he was indeed just around the corner and heard his father call me a s(LU)t. So he googled it and figured out what it meant.
I don’t even know what to do. Of course, this isn’t like the first time I’ve considered leaving him but he’s all I know. I want to try to move past this and maybe even try couples therapy, but honestly right now I’m still just mad. Like the audacity to accuse me of some foul stuff like that after everything he put me through is infuriating. What do I do?
TL;DR my husband is accusing me of cheating because I thought he handled asking for a paternity test very badly and now our son is involved by overhearing his shenanigans.
EDIT;; For further context the first time he cheated he kissed a co-worker after a holiday party and fessed up as soon as he got home. The second time was online stuff like sexting strangers etc. His excuse for the first was that he was drunk and the 2nd was that he was insecure because of stereotypes about black men etc even though I’ve never even slept with another black person so yeah. Aloong with him admitting to be jealous of the babies during my pregnancies because they get “more” of my attention.
I have my own set of issues with confrontation and trying to avoid it which didnt help any.
Copy / Paste of my comment that adds more to it I guess:
When I tell you he did everything right, he did everything right up until we had already gotten married and I was 6 months pregnant. I wanted to wait until marriage for intercourse and he happily obliged, my parents loved him (of course, not anymore) and everyone said I was mature for my age and it got to me I guess.
He worked my fathers law firm and I interned there in college and one thing led to another. I graduated HS early and did early college, but was being dumb and love struck and ended up pregnant and married instead of furthering my education.
Even when the 1st cheating thing happened, he came home drunk and came clean right after. It wasnt a full on affair, but making out with a co-worker after a holiday party. I was paranoid and again immature at that time and went through all of his devices for months to see if it was anything else or they were still in contact and it wasn’t. I talked to her husband years a few months later too and their stories did match up so I figured a kiss wasn’t worth divorcing over when I had a baby on the way.
When our first came, he did all the night changings and feedings. He cooked breakfast, lunch, and dinner for me everyday before he left for work and gave me an allowance of like $50 a day along with going to therapy so yeah.
Then the 2nd pregnancy happened and it happened again, but this time it was some dating app and kik sexting with strangers and he swore nothing happened in person. I was ready to leave that time but my mom told me I would be stupid to allow myself to become a single mom and he made all these other lifestyle changes so I thought maybe it wouldnt happen again..
25 comments
Show Greg the door and go on with your life. His vehemence about you cheating sounds like projection to me. I bet he’s currently cheating on you and this is his smokescreen. Or it might be that one of his affair partners is actually pregnant or had a kid by him and it’s made him paranoid. Either way file for divorce and child support.
There is no saving this marriage and couples counseling will just make things worse because he isn’t going to do the work, just use the language to further degrade you.
He’s projecting his guilt onto you. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s cheating again because he seems to be looking for an excuse to leave.
He’s cheating again. He wants out this time so he’s turning on you.
Really sounds like he’s projecting his wrongdoings. Also, seems like he doesn’t have much respect for you or your children. I would say run for the hills.
I skimmed this and all I can wonder is why you possibly care to stay married to this
You’ll be better off without him. What an ass.
My guess would be that he’s cheating again and projecting it on you.
Honestly, if not for your own sake then for your children’s well-being, please get out of this relationship. It’s terrible for you, and it’s not healthy for them to be exposed to his verbal abuse and misogyny.
This guy is *wretched*
Along with the comments here about leaving this asshole because clearly this is not going to get better without serious intervention, start a paper trail documenting how hes treating you and how he is treating the kids. Will make things easier in the divorce process, if that’s how you choose to proceed.
You deserve so much better than this and so do your kids. If you don’t leave, your kids will grow up seeing him treat you like crap. They will either resent him for it or go on to have unhealthy relationships themselves. I know this from experience. People rarely change and if they do it’s because they really want to and see the need to change for themselves. Don’t waste your youth on him. You can move on and build a really great life for you and your kids.
Greg done cheated twice…& is probably cheating again with this stunt. I would’ve been out the first time he cheated.
Posts like these are why I will always be anti- reconciliation regarding cheating.
~12 years ago, he was a 32 year old man that got an 18-19 year old (you) pregnant. On top of that, he is a complete ass and a cheating POS. This man is not material to be married to, and you should definitely show him the door.
Greg got a 19-year-old pregnant at 33. You’re honestly surprised that he’s a sack of shit?
I really strongly recommend that you get your own personal therapist to work though this–it will really help you make a final decision and figure out what you really need from your husband in order to stay. I got divorced a couple of years ago and felt like I was absolutely going crazy half of the time, having someone who I could just talk at was absolutely invaluable.
Ok let’s all give a thumbs up evetime a cheating asshat projects infidelity onto their partner!
OP you know what to do. Show him the door. Stick a boot up his ass on the way out and consider full custody. He doesn’t sound like he’s well mentally.
This is classic abuser behavior, my ex did this. He projected his insecurities and own behavior onto me, claiming I was cheating and there was no indication.
I can only guess what kind of social media and pod casts your husband listens to, dude is a misogynist. He has the audacity to call you a s**t repeatedly in front of your kids with zero remorse.
He’s 44 but has the emotional maturity of a teenager. Do you think he’ll change? He’s 14 years older than you, I’m sure you know why men target younger women.
I know it’s difficult navigating separation or divorce considering you have 4 children, but they’d be better off not seeing the abusive language their dad hurls at their mom.
You forgave him twice for cheating, but he’s likely doing it again. No amount of couples therapy is going to change him, I just hope you can accept that.
Gather your resources: divorce lawyer, therapist, friends and good family, finances, important documents. Even if you are OK with this emotional abuse (and you shouldn’t be), he is training your kids to disrespect you. He’s training the boys to distrust and disrespect women and training the girls that they are easily disregarded.
He groomed you and is very likely cheating on you again.
sounds like he’s cheating !
also calling BS on the paternity testing
i know black people can have all color hair but the chances of your biracial children having red hair without him as the father seems low …
your son seems so sweet and i’m sorry he had to hear his dad disrespect his mom like that
unless your husband comes groveling back willing to do whatever including formal therapy then i think it might be a wash and you very well may be better off on your own
i know you mentioned this hasn’t been the first time you considered leaving him and i wonder if past reasons have echoed this sentiment of his attitude and behavior toward you
you deserve the world and your children deserve to see their mom be cherished and loved
Your husband:
* Courted you as an 18/19 year old, or younger, when he was 33.
* Got you pregnant as early as possible.
* Cheated on you during the first two pregnancies
* Got super red pilled on man-o-sphere BS and is now accusing you of cheating (or cheating again and projecting)
Honey, from the outside it looks like you’re married to a real creep.
**The question you must ask yourself is this: What can you do to show your kids what TRUE self-love and self-respect is?**
**This is what they will take with them for life. Stay in this? They will have this life, too. 🙁 :(**
Girl, what? He impregnated you when you were 18 – a literal teenager – and he was a grown ass man at 33, cheated on you, and now is trying to project his infidelity onto you? I feel like I’m playing r/relationships bingo.
Your son has already heard his father call his mother a sl*t. Is this the kind of behavior you want to model for your children? Is this the sort of man you want to grow old with?
The only thing you should be working through is the divorce proceedings.
You are currently younger than he was when you got pregnant with your son. Can you imagine being attracted to a teenager right now?
60%? Where did he get that number, the Radicalization Pipeline?
He’s 100% projecting.
Please think about the example that is being set for your children. If you can’t believe that you deserve better than this for your own sake, remember that they are living in this environment with you. They are seeing it. And they are being raised to think this is how relationships are, how they should treat others, and also that this is how they can expect a partner to treat them.
**Your 11 year old son googled a slur, because his father called his mother one where he could hear. And his mother stayed.**