She said it’s been like this for awhile. She’s basically having sex with me because she wants me to have pleasure. I cheated on her a long time ago before we were married and she lost trust in me, naturally. It took years for her to gain some semblance of trust in me again.
I asked her if she wants to sleep with someone else and she said no. I feel kind of numb to the news because the last few times, sex didn’t feel quite right.
Right now, I don’t feel comfortable sleeping with her knowing she doesn’t feel anything for me.
Has anyone ever been through this? Did you rebuild the emotional connection with your partner?
5 comments
take a break, let her miss you then take it from there
You two need some kind of counselling. I’d be willing to bet that, despite what she might say – and what she might even believe herself – she’s not entirely forgiven you for cheating and is having trouble trusting you and being emotionally vulnerable with you. My mother recently disclosed, after a course of counselling, that she realized she’s held onto resentment against my father for something completely innocuous that he said at the start of their marriage – 37 years ago. Counselling will help you both address this properly as her feelings of numbness are likely and attempt to disassociate from sex so as not to feel hurt again. You need someone to help guide you both through your feelings – you need to come to terms with why you cheated and she needs to learn to process her feelings instead of burying them.
Avoid re-directing her to a different person – that will never help her or you at all. I get the reason of you asking her if she wants to sleep with someone else, that is your guilt talking and you wanting to do right and make things right by her (by your POV is to try and at least even out the playing field) but it will only do more harm than good.
How long ago did it happen? If you don’t mind me asking.
And you are also right by not feeling comfortable sleeping with her, shows that you actually care about her and her feelings rather than just yours and getting what you want.
Start by communicating this feeling of yours to her, provide unlimited reassurances, actions that will show her you’ve changed and you’re staying until the end. It will take a lot of time, effort and patience from yourself for her to get back some of what she lost in the process.
However, be aware too of your actions as some could have a negative effect on her, like you asking if she wants to sleep with someone else, but might seem a good move to you.
Always keep her options open too, remind her that you will do everything you can to bring you both back to where everything was happy and that you will continue to be more patient and understanding of her and her actions. BUT always let her know that no matter what you do, it is only her that can fight the battles within her. Until she realizes that, it will be a long battle for the both of you. But like I said, just keep telling her that she’s not on her own, that you’ve become better and that you’re willing to prove that to her.
Do you guys have kids? Not that it really matters but sometimes women get so caught up in daily life that sex is just another chore that has to be done.
Maybe try having sex on her terms.. when/where/how she wants to. Maybe some romance- a nice date, a massage where it doesn’t have to have a happy ending, or even a trip together.
She needs therapy to help her become more comfortable with her worth and sexual confidence. You cheating on her probably destroyed that. If you really want her to feel better about things, you should encourage her to attend therapy and counseling.