My mother and father are so nice to my wife.
His work is 2 minutes away from our house. When there’s a snow storm, he is always welcome to our house to be sheltered for the night. Or so at least that’s what I thought.
My wife has anxiety and germaphobic personality. She does not like the thought of having people sleep over. Not her parents, not my parents, and she says no to pets too.
But I did not expect for my wife to be selfish and reject sheltering my dad.
What would you do in my position?
38 comments
I would be upset too.
It’s either selfishness or a debilitating level of anxiety. Having a family member crash at your house a few times a year is extremely reasonable.
What is it about having someone stay over that she has a problem with?
Ask her to start therapy.
Is it possible that your wife doesn’t want it to become a regular thing? I was raised in a way that if there’s a guest in my house, the house should be clean, the food should be ready and delicious and the guests should be entertained. My husband on the other hand was raised in a way that his house was constantly full of people so he doesn’t really care about the tidiness, etc. When we first moved, his family used to come up very often and go everywhere in the house (ex. our bedroom). It took a lot of compromising on both sides to establish some boundaries so we are both comfortable in our home.
I do agree that a snow storm is different but how often does it happen though?
Also, she might need to a therapist because if she has a real phobia, it’s really hard to deal with even if rationally, she understands that her decision upsets you.
> What would you do in my position?
Get my spouse help for the anxiety and germophobia she’s experiencing. That’s the root of the issue.
I’ll buy her a night’s stay in the holiday inn
Okay, damn the karma I am taking issue with all of you calling her selfish because of her mental illness. And that is what she has – she just has a better grip on it than most but not by much if having family around the house causes her to have anxiety or panic attacks.
So if I were in your shoes I would break this down into three problems:
1) Is the snowstorm putting your father in danger if he drives to his house or is he wanting to stay over for convenience? If it is for convenience then ask him to go to his house or get him a hotel to stay at nearby – this is not worth risking your wife’s mental health on. If the snowstorm is bad and you feel he could be in danger driving home then by all means have him stay over but segregate the two – wife stays in the bedroom master bath and dad stays in a room on the other side of the house and when he leaves you spray the heck out of the house with lysol to let her know all the germs are dead and she can safely come out. But you need to give her a safe place and minimize the time you dad is in other areas of the house and show her you have taken steps to make the rest of the house “safe” again for her after it is over with.
2) Long term for her – you need to get her into therapy over this! Because if it gets worse you might have a Dad’s life vs wife’s life decision as she may panic and leave the house into the snowstorm to get to a “safe” place. That is the bad side of panic attacks is if she truly panics there is no telling what she may do so it is best to get her therapy now before it gets worse and you are still around to help out.
3) YOU!! Find some way of kicking yourself for calling your wife’s anxieties “selfish”. While you’re at it tell your parents that any issues they are having because of old age is just selfish. Go tell a parent changing a child’s diaper that the baby needs a diaper is because they are selfish! You see how much of an a*hole you care coming across as?? Your wife has issues and you need to man up and help her overcome them. You swore an oath – for better or worse, and I can assure you this is NOT the worse you will ever have to face and if you are feeling inconvenienced because your wife has issues then brother you are not a fit husband.
When an irrational fear is affecting someone’s marriage, they *severely need professional help*. Not addressing it can cause so much more stress and resentment that it increases the severity of her symptoms.
Wow…she sounds…nice….
Honestly I wouldn’t be ok with that, no matter how my husband and I feel about each other’s family or friends. When in need they are welcome always.
She needs help, but our personal boundaries shouldn’t stifle the relationships of others. It’s your home too.
My Dad can stay. She needs to seek help.
She needs professional help. This only gets worse.
I’d tell her that it’s time for some exposure therapy. Reassure her that you will set up the bed and clean after he leaves. Be kind but firm. It’s your house too and you’re not going to deny your father a bed.
She needs to go to therapy to figure out why sheltering someone for a night during a snow storm is worse than having them drive in weather when people shouldn’t be out on the road. How would she respond if you told her you were going to drive your father back to his house during the snow storm instead?
is your wife germaphobic or does she have a mental illness? i have contamination OCD and would not let most people sleep in my apartment, including both my mother and my fiancé’s mother. there is nothing i can do about it. talk to her and figure out if she needs help.
edit: i would love for someone to explain to me why this is getting downvoted?
I would have my dad stay at my house. It’s a snow storm.
My wife doesn’t like people staying over either. I think it’s weird. She grew up wealthier in the city, me poorer in rural area. Sleepover guests were the norm for me 🤷♂️
Your wife definitely needs help for her anxiety/ phobias as other posters have said. Since she’s worried about germs could you offer extra pro cautions while your dad is there? Like you’ll wash the bedding immediately and sanitize his sleeping area.
How often does this happen in your area?
If it’s a rare occasion (like a few times per winter season,) I would say she’s being unreasonable. If this is like 2-3 times a week for a few months, I’m with her, that is an invasion of her space.
What do you mean she won’t let him? She should have respect for her father in law. Germaphobe?? Please, she’s sharing bodily fluids with her husband and vice versa. Listen, that is your father. Your wife doesn’t get to refuse your parent shelter in a situation like this. Or any other reasonable situation for that matter. You tell her it’s not up to you, that’s my father. And if the roles were reversed she should tell you the same. What the hell?
I mean there is almost nothing in the literal world that would ever make me utter ro my spouse that his family cannot stay, even if its not what i “want”. They are family and I expect the same of my husband. Maybe we have no boundaries, idk…we are very family oriented.
Is your dad an antivaxxer?
The fact that your dad is so nice to her makes this harder for me. Are your parents aware of her germaphobia and understanding of it? Has she admitted to this problem and open to help or has she already rejected it? These are things that could cause strain on your family, who I’m sure are very important to you..
Do u plan on kids bc let me tell you it’s impossible to keep the house tidy at all times.
How about when she has a baby and family wants to visit? Forget it. But that all may be irrelevant to you; I digress. Still, there needs to be a compromise. Other situations will surely arise that will cause familial conflict.
Tangent: Just genuinely wondering what’s it like living with someone who has it severe? My parents, esp dad has the ocd contamination someone mentioned, but definitely not as severe. I have ocd (symmetry/decluttering). My friends were allowed to sleep over and many of them described our house as museum-like and immaculately clean (at times). I’m not sure I could deal with it in a partner that has it so severe that it interferes with day to day living and my relationships, unless they got help.
Is the “germophobia” about Covid and being exposed for that many hours in her own home because she knows your dad doesn’t take precautions? Just wondering. I’ve seen people concerned about not getting sick labeled as such online by people who want to pretend the pandemic is over.
If she’s high risk at all, like I am, I can understand her concern. All of my doctors agree that my risk of death is extremely high of I get covid, and I can’t get my stepson to wear a mask or take any precautions other than the first couple vaccines. He’s 17 and thinks I’m crazy. He hasn’t sat there and had doctor after doctor agree, and he’s never faced death before like I have, so I’m easy to dismiss. I’ve been lucky so far, but it’s just a matter of time.
to be quite honest, i would tell her to get over it. i will be letting my father shelter in my house during a snowstorm. not much she can do about it, except be angry during and after. angry wife i can deal with. my father dying in an accident due to crashing his vehicle in adverse weather conditions when i could’ve sheltered him will weigh on my mind forever
I love hosting but don’t like having people sleep over for hygiene/space/privacy issue. I also live in an apartment. I also have people in my life (including my in-laws) who I love and value that I have welcomed to stay with us for many days. It’s not my favorite thing, but my husband loves having his parents here. It’s lovely for our son. I love my in-laws even if I feel cramped. I clean very thoroughly when people leave.
I say this because I empathize with your wife’s general aversion here, but this behavior is off the wall and unacceptable. I would be unable to accept such rigidity or limitation in my living situation. She needs to get help or get over it. This isn’t you moving your parents in or asking to host people for weeks on end. Sheltering a parent in the event of a storm a handful of times is not a wild ask.
I don’t think selfishness is the right word. It may be technically correct, but it’s distracting. Lots of us are “selfish” to protect ourselves from potential danger. The problem is that people with anxiety are completely uncalibrated about what constitutes real risk. They genuinely feel in danger. You wouldn’t call your wife selfish if your Dad was a genuine danger for some reason—like an abuser or an alcoholic. Now he’s not a real danger, but her brain is not letting her in on that perspective. It feels rational to her to not let him stay.
My mother has pretty bad anxiety. I have so much compassion for it and I understand better after growing up. But I in no way think that coddling her behavior helped. Not at all. Everyone in my family did it and she did not get better. I came out of childhood as if I’d been abused even though my Mom loved me and was not trying to hurt me. I wish to God she’d gotten actual treatment. She even wanted it but in our particular culture it was frowned upon severely so she never did. Instead my Dad and brother would dodge her when she had an episode and expect me to keep her happy. She threatened suicide if I couldn’t soothe her fears. It only seemed to escalate over time.
She needs thoughtful help, which doesn’t start with calling her selfish. It does start with setting boundaries. Personally, I’d say she doesn’t have to come out of her room while Dad stays and he’s not allowed in all areas of the house. Find a compromise without pushing it all the way and be understanding. And that’s of course WITH therapy. I learned how to set boundaries with my Mom and I genuinely think it helped even without therapy (which she still needs). She’s still got issues but she asks other people to fix them less often. Or at the very least she stopped expecting me to. Now, she’s not my spouse so it’s a little different.
Basically, it’s messy. Don’t call her selfish but do be honest about the damage her anxiety causes and that it’s not reality and not on others to keep it at bay. You can’t just immediately make her deal with things but you can start working on little steps in the right direction.
And THERAPY.
Honestly no pets no friends and no family allowed . Sorry but I would either have some kind of compromise or leave. The anxiety doesn’t qualify as a reason to be a controlling jerk
I definitely think she needs professional help. How do you not let your FIL crash for a night during a snowstorm? Even if she’s a germaphobe, she could’ve just stayed in the bedroom while your dad was there. When this behavior starts disrupting other relationships, it’s time to take action to try and resolve the issue.
Therapy would be a good idea.
Your wife’s personality is alot like my step MIL, the germ-phobia, isolation from others, the need to control her environment. She was mental and very physically abusive towards my husband and his adopted brother, when they were children. My husband also lacked basic life skills. First time I caught him trying to cook, he had a frozen burrito on a frying pan. I also had to teach him things like car maintenance.
Just keep that in mind if you want children. Therapy would be more than just about her and her well being.
Better question, who is gonna give a flying fuck about ‘maintaining the workplace’ once boomers go. It’s gonna get twisted.
I would follow her requests under normal conditions… However, in matters where safety is an issue, hello snow and ice, I would insist that someone be able to stay over and we’ll figure out how to disinfect when they leave…
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Further, if this is so serious then she may want to see a professional about this… what happens if/when y’all have kids??
I’d invite my father to stay over. If she can’t regulate herself, you aren’t responsible for her behavior. She is being incredibly unreasonable
Possibly saving your dad’s life by giving him a place to sleep or succumbing to your wife’s unreasonable demands? Hm. You wife can sleep in the car then everyone will be comfortable.
You guys have kids or pets, or plan to?
If you do, you’ve got these little perpetual filth machines that pretty much have the run of the house…and yet she’s worried about your dad?
Ask her to seek professional help. Its either she doesn’t like people over because of anxiety or she just doesn’t like ur dad
She may have some issues she needs to seek help for.
But bottom line is also if she doesn’t want your dad staying over she doesn’t want your dad staying over. You guys being 2 minutes from his work does not obligate you to take on a home guest.
If the weather is that bad… probably shouldn’t be going to work.
Your wife is allowed to have a say in her home too, and that doesn’t make her selfish. I don’t mind people staying at my home, but I would be pushing back too.
I feel like you are being selfish by saying she’s automatically required to allow your dad to stay just because you live close to his work. No that’s not how it works. You dad can move next door to his work if it’s that important.
This is a decision you make together, and it doesn’t make anyone selfish to have a different viewpoint. I feel you are out of line calling her that.
Make room for daddy. I understand wanting to accommodate your wife, but this is mostly unacceptable. Work around her cleanliness unless you want us to be your life you have to find a voice in your relationship.
Its your house too?