So my girlfriend and I have been together for 4 years and the relationship was great. It was my first LTR. Like everyone we had the odd issue but nothing major. Every now and then she would speak to me about how she wants me to be more affectionate and romantic. This happened at the beginning of December and like an idiot I questioned why she was still with me if I’m still not giving her what she wants after 4 years.
She felt very distant over the three weeks following this and a lot of things changed. She was more social, never wanted to cuddle, bought lots of clothes and never wanted sex which was unlike her.
I brought this all up with her in the new year and discovered that since I made that comment she said she had checked out pretty much. We were both crying and she broke up with me. She spent that night at a friends and when she returned to the flat the following morning we cuddled and I told her that I thought we should try again together. This seemed like what she wanted to do and she was worried she had been unfair to leave me.
She told me that she had a work event that night that she didn’t want to cancel on and asked if I minded her going. I said she should go if that will help her get some space to think.
When she got back from her work event the following morning, we spoke and she said she wanted us to get back together, so we did.
Things felt weird from here really, she was very vague about that night and my gut told me it wasn’t right. I went full detective over the next week and discovered she was lying about her location on the night and following morning.
In the end it turns out that she was sucking her boss (40M) off many times throughout December at work or meeting outside of work secretly. It looks like as well that the night she spent away might be the first time she fucked him. Then after we got back together she was encouraging me to be more social so that she could take pictures to send him.
I only discovered evidence of cheating after about 5 days after we were back together. And I now think that her boss might have encouraged her to get back with me for some reason.
Basically I feel fucking awful now and just want the girl that I knew for 4 years before this back, I know that isn’t possible but I don’t know how to stop thinking like that?
I decided to disappear from the flat, said goodbye as usual and secretly packed a bag. I text her when I would usually be home and said I needed to get away and be with people that aren’t lying to me. When I go back in a couple of days I’m not sure on how best to handle the fact that we’re both on the tenancy agreement?
She also said that when I get back she wants to explain “a tiny bit” to make it make more sense to me. Not sure if I should entertain that or not either?
tl;dr: we broke up because gf didn’t think I could give her the things she wants in the relationship. We got back together 2 days later, she thought she was unfair. Turns out she was sleeping with her boss before and during the breakup and after we got back together. How do I stop wanting the old her back? And given we live together I need advice on handling that? Should I let her explain herself at all?
5 comments
To *explain*. To *justify*, to *rationalize*, to *excuse*. Do you really need that kind of explanation? The behavior speaks for itself. She doesn’t need to set it in any particular context.
Time to find a new and better partner. One who respects you because she clearly doesn’t. Ask landlord how much it would cost to break lease or find someone to take over your part.
There’s nothing to explain. She is a fundamentally selfish person who is looking for someone to give her money. Her boss got sex, she got clothes. You don’t owe her anything.
Go to your land lord and explain the situation and ask to be taken off the tenancy agreement. Grab your things and move out. Block her on everything. Out of sight, out of mind.
Don’t let her explain herself. You’ll probably get locked in a forever conversation and end up feeling even emptier.
Take your stuff and go. Try to get out of the housing contract, but be prepared to pay it out (it sucks, I know). Live cheap for a while, stay with friends or family if you can.
Start over. Change can be good, if you make it good.
I dont think you should stay with her. However, it’s extremely inappropriate of her boss who is 20 years older than her to be engaging with his subordinates this way. It’s a power play on his part and that is what should be reported. But I do think the relationship needs to end. This is tough because if her boss put her in a position where she felt like she could lose her job, thats assault and the dude is a predator- he’s a predator either way tbh. Idk, its up to you if you want to hear her out, the fact that her boss is the one who she cheated with makes this messier because of the power imbalance and not knowing her level or consent in the situation. But your relationship sounds over either way