My boyfriend is an extremely nice guy. He’s encouraging, a great listener, empathetic, and great at making people feel welcome from the moment he meets them. Given this, a lot of women he meets through sports and work flirt and show romantic interest in him despite knowing he’s in a relationship. In some cases they do it right in front of me and say nasty things behind my back while pretending to be nice and fun in front of my boyfriend. Chalk this up to insecurity, but it is growing so frustrating because of the sheer lack of respect these women have for our relationship and it’s turning me into someone I’m not (always having my guard up and being nervous when he’s around women). I’m normally a friendly and fun person when I’m out but now I feel that my energy out to the world is just nervousness, because I’m afraid I’ll hear or see more women try to get to close, and I even know that’s unattractive but I can’t help it. Has anyone gone through similar experiences and how have you dealt with these types of women? Thanks in advance.
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What are they doing in terms of flirting as examples? What nasty things are they saying and how are you learning of it?
It’s not your job to deal with this, it’s his. If you’ve already discussed and he feels he’s dealing with them appropriately, then you need to work on the insecurity.
How does he react to the flirting?
Reverse the roles and ask yourself what you would do for him. You’d probably shut it down right ? That’s what he needs to be doing.
>Has anyone gone through similar experiences and how have you dealt with these types of women? Thanks in advance.
I, personally, would like to think I’d end the relationship in this situation.
You’re twisting yourself into knots. What does your boyfriend say and do when these women are hitting on him? Does he shut them down straight away? Or does he remain friendly, because he ‘doesn’t want to be rude’?
If he’s dating you, if he wants only you, why do you feel insecure? Is is something in your past? Or is it because he is showing he is open to this attention?
I know people who are extremely charismatic, personable etc. (and good looking etc). But they don’t get hit on all the time. They are kind, but they do not indicate romantic availability.
I am an extreme people pleaser. This is something I am actively trying to work on.
I tend to be extremely nice too. One time I went to a party and my friends date and his friends told me all their trauma. People constantly think I am flirting back when I am trying to just be polite. What I think works for me is:
1. Physical distance – the moment they try to get too close to me I step away and continue the conversation and be out of there.
2. Diversion – when they compliment me I try to steer it towards my partner (example that happened at the gym: “you look so good, I haven’t see you in a while”, “oh thanks, yeah my SO thinks so too so I try to keep it up. We went to (restaurant) though the other day and we couldn’t stop eating, have you been there? You should it’s amazing. (Looks at phone to look at the time) oh sorry I have to continue this, maybe next time me and my SO come here she could tell you about the place if we have time!”
3. Know when to stop talking and walk away – when they show clear signs of not caring if I have a SO know that it’s time to “have something come up” or somewhere to be.
4. Try to include SO when they are there – when in a conversation if they continuously exclude your partner purposely include them repeatedly in the conversations and get out of there (point 3).
This usually works. If it doesn’t there needs to be boundaries in place. They are hard to build (trust me I know) but essential, because at a certain point the person is disrespecting your SO and your relationship and you being friendly is showing them that it’s okay.
If you’re dating a high value man, other women are going to want him. Simple as that
Comes with the territory 🤷🏻♂️
Tbf he is a hottie
He doesnt want to be “rude” to the girls then that’s his problem, not yours. Youre not insecure for being frustrated and disliking the constant flirting. It happens once? That’s okay, you can have a conversation and discuss boundaries. But when it becomes a contant thing, its time to walk away. I dont care if the dude is an angel. It seems like you are not compatible. Your current bf is making you become someone you’re not, this relationship is becoming “toxic” for you, its making you feel angry, anxious, insecure etc. This problem is likely to never go away as he is always going to meet women and if this is the way he acts then its better to walk away. Your bf should make you feel happy and safe.
>how have you dealt with these types of women?
Don’t deal with the women, deal with your own insecurity.
Posts like this drive me insane. You can’t control other people.
Why does it matter that women want to get close to your bf? Do you think he’s going to cheat?
If you don’t, there’s no problem here. The only problem is if you believe he will, you don’t trust him, or he already has cheated.
He needs to set some boundaries with women hitting on him. If I’m approached, even casually, I make it clear I’m married. Friendly is fine, getting hit on isn’t. Most women I’ve dealt with are respectful about that. Most of them are married too though, so it’s actually nice not really having to worry about it most of the time.
Any who cross that line, I just make it clear I’m in love with my partner, that will never change, and I put some distance between us. Still friendly, but much less engaged in talking.
I feel you! My fiancé is super friendly, warm, and kind and people just like him. And he’s REALLY good looking. I know I’m biased but he is. Women will touch him and flirt with him in front of me and one tried to kiss him when I wasn’t around, knowing full well he’s in a relationship. I hate it. I hate the insecurity that comes with it even though I know he wouldn’t do anything to hurt me.
If women do it in front of me I’m cold as ice to them. I’m not playing this game with them and I know full well what they’re doing. So do they. They usually stop or leave because they’re uncomfortable. But yeah it’s super hard to deal with and all I can do as well is remind myself it’s not attractive to be jealous and insecure and he’s with me, I have no reason to feel insecure. You’re not alone OP!
Why are you mad at the random women?
People sometimes just hit on people who they find attractive or amicable.
Its on your boyfriend to make clear he’s in a relationship and not interested. Don’t say “he’s too nice” that’s not an excuse. He just likes the attention.
Hit on them back, harder and with more vulgarity!
But seriously, If you trust your partner to have healthy boundaries, keep him informed of the ones that talk shit about you so he can act accordingly. Be confident, and reframe your perspective on the others so that you can be amused at their pathetic behavior instead of insecure. Be honest when your SO hurts your feelings when his behavior is encouraging this. It’ll course correct over time as long as you don’t get too bent up about it.
Don’t. You can’t stop him from cheating if that’s what he’s going to do. You can only control yourself. Either trust him or don’t.
my boyfriend is a friendly guy. has a lot of female friends, girls like him because he’s empathetic and open. you know what he does when girls flirt with him? he shuts them down. you know what he did when some of his former friends talked shit about me behind my back? he cut them off. your guy likes the attention, that’s why he isn’t shutting these girls down.
How did I know the comments were gonna be making the guy into the toxic one here. You need to calm down. If you feel like he could cheat on you, break up with him. People don’t have a right to modulate people’s interactions with others
My husband is like your boyfriend, and women adore him. I’m going to give you a little tip: you don’t deal with the women (you can’t). You deal with your boyfriend.
My husband is super friendly and charismatic, but he is NOT flirty with women. When a woman tries to hit on him (even online), he tells them they’re being disrespectful and to back off (and openly shows me the conversations / will say it in front of me or tell me about it later). If someone talked bad about me, he’d have my back in a heartbeat. I don’t worry when women flirt with him because I trust my husband.
Your boyfriend needs to be the one to nip this. He’s the one you need to trust.
Yeah, you got a boyfriend problem and he needs to get his head out of his butt on this and set some boundaries with these interlopers. He should be telling these assholes to back off and respect you and your relationship. There are many ways he can do this besides what I do (one nice and polite rebuke then get more blunt and mean from there till they get the message).
He can wrap his arms around you and plant a big fat one on you in front of these want-a-be hussies to send a message he’s yours or something like that. I suggest a deep and substantial talk with captain clueless about this and get him to take this seriously. If he won’t let other men flirt with you in front of him a few times he f you’re feeling petty or just realize he likes their attention and doesn’t care how it affects you. Then proceed with that knowledge as you see fit.