Hey y’all, quick question for y’all.
I’ve recently dated 4 women who were just out of LTRs and i’ve thus made it a boundary to ask when their last relationship was and how long was it to filter people out. Having said that, the 4 women I’ve dated ended up moving really quickly and establishing “relationship type”/”grass is greener” type things with me very early on… only to end it a few weeks later citing they’re not over their ex in which I’m like “ok i understand good bye”
With that being said, what does it actually feel like to date someone new while not being over your ex? I’m asking because after my LTR I spent maybe 7-13 months before going on a date after that because I knew I wasn’t ready.
(I also don’t think these were excuses they’ve made, they’ve all come back after therapy in which I’ve already moved on, I get for some people it’s been an excuse but the women I’ve dated, it seems to have been quite valid)
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For me, it has a pretty toxic effect and eneded up getting me trapped in 2 toxic relationships. The first one, I ended up getting together with about 2-3 months after I broke it off with my first ex. I was technically “over” the ex in the sense that I wasn’t attracted to him anymore (he was very childish and immature). I ended up getting drawn into an intense, predatory, romance with a guy nealy 30 years my senior. I ended up trapped, because he seemed so different than my ex (which I thought was a good thing), it was easy for me to overlook red flags and bad things because he was so different than my ex.
Second time was a lot like that but in reverse. I got together with him a month after the breakup with the older guy (with whom the relationship lasted 4 years). I was just so relieved to be with someone close to my age that again, I overlooked major red flags. He ended up being emotionally abusive, but I was so damaged from the age gap relationship, that my self esteem was at an all time low. I thought it was my last chance to be with someone my age (and he also love bombed me and made big promosies about our future, kids marriage etc.), so I stayed with him for over 3 years.
After that, I said enough is enough, and I decided to take a compelte year off from dating. I am also super aware of my past patterns and have taken accountability for the mistakes I made and am vowing not to make the same ones.
My situation is a bit different because I have never continued to have “feelings” for anyone after my long term relationships end. I’ve been the one to end all of them, so maybe that has something to do with it. However, being in a toxic LTR can really mess with your sense of self and can warp what you see as a red flag or not. Even when I did take the year off from the last emotionally abusive ex, I still had some PTSD-like flashbacks the first time I spent the night with my current BF. Just having a guy in my house and in my bed freaked me out a bit. However, I recognized it as irrational, kept it to myself, and just self soothed and got over it quickly. I think the year off really helped me with that.
I would say, don’t date anyone unless they’ve spent at least 6 months single and have made it clear that they have done reflective self work after the end of their last relationship.