So, I’m 26(f), my current partner is 27(m), and the issue I’ve always had in relationships, is being the one to initiate the sex; and as of currently and in a recent relationship before this one, it has been brought to my attention and I’ve been asked to try and initiate it more.
Now I have explained to my current partner that it is harder for me, as I have ADHD and Asperger’s. As well as, in other previous relationships, I’ve only ever knew being initiated on to (more so especially in an abusive relationship). So the best way I could explain it to him, is that there’s no blueprint in a way, on how to initiate sex. He tells me “I’m a guy it’s easy, just kiss me and grab my dick and I’ll know.” But it’s like I have a mental block when I want to do it.
For instance, I will think in my head that I want to initiate sex, somehow, and I will even kind of make a plan in my head on how to do it, but then, when it comes to the time to do it, it doesn’t happen whether it is due to the ADHD side of my brain, getting distracted by something else, or the Asperger side of my brain just simply not having that in a “routine” or blueprint format.
So I thought maybe come to Reddit to ask for help. If anyone has any suggestions, please feel free to comment them.
3 comments
Dress sexy with as minimal clothing as possible. Initiating sex is more sexy than sex itself coz it spells desire from both parties. It implies that you both appreciate each other and not that one if you is being tolerated.
Nothing worse in this world than having sex with someone who you know dep down is not really there.
As a fellow person on the spectrum, I like to be direct .. “would you like to play tonight?” .. however my non-autistic (but ADD) wife doesn’t enjoy such requests phrased in such a manner so I can’t promise it’ll work for everyone…
One thing I find really helpful is to foster my own sexual energy inside me, instead of worrying about the other person or how I’m “performing” externally.
Initiating well is about intrinsic motivation, really, and can be effortless if you’re already brimming with sexual energy and feel a strong drive to do it.
If this sounds right to you, and you wanna pursue that path, some things that can help are: touching yourself more (not just masturbating but massaging yourself, holding yourself), looking at yourself naked in the mirror and explore the feelings that come up, fantasize, read about people’s sexual experiences, watch or read erotic things, or look up resources like Sexplanations or Shakti’s blog.
If this sounds like a chore or just demotivates you, then the questions are: how is your relationship to your own sexuality? How do you view sex? How much do you care for it? How do you see your own self-pleasure and sexiness? How do you view others interacting with that?
Of course there are no right or wrong answers and this isn’t meant to force you into a certain lifestyle! Rather, since we all have a sexual side no matter what it looks like, it’s best for us to be on solid ground for ourselves before we start sharing that with others.
EDIT: I never answered your actual question so some things to do are:
* Find something that makes you feel hot and wear that around your partner. Can be anything from a cute sweater to lingerie or going commando. If you feel hot, you’ll automatically be a flirt, then you just direct it at your partner. Get his attention if he’s too distracted, put yourself in his centre of attention!
* Talk about sexual or erotic things together. Share your fantasies, ask about his. Share where you like to be touched – if you already know some places about each other, think of places that would be interesting. Ask what places would be fun to fool around at home, or what would be fun to wear to the bedroom, etc. If you’re secure about it, ask about past sexual experiences and share yours, or share your tastes in attractive people.
* Watch porn together and touch yourselves, as if you’re watching a show or something. If you decide to get involved in each other’s business all the better, but no pressure or expectation.
* Make out with him out of the blue, slip your hand under his shirt or softly brush his thigh or penis over his pants. Whisper in his ear something sexual you feel in this moment. E.g. “I’m so wound up right now and need relief” / “you’re so sexy doing xyz” / “I can’t wait till we’re free tonight…” (Last one is only if you’re somewhat sure something will happen then!)
* Honestly just show up naked wherever he’s hanging out and wordlessly drag him into the bedroom or something. This works wonders if you’re already raring to go, so pick a time when that happens naturally. If you wanna induce it, get yourself up and running however you usually would.
Get creative with all these! There’s no right or wrong. Do them for your own fun before his and it’ll be super enjoyable for you and super effective on him. If something is blocking you from doing this at all, like an apprehension or a dislike, that’s super important for you to explore, for your own sake, no matter the outcome. In all of this, you come first.
My partner and I went through all this before and we have experience with ADHD and the spectrum as well. So feel free to AMA if you’re comfortable. Good luck 😄