So I just found out my husband of 6 months is talking to sex workers because he said I don’t have enough sex with him. He even purchased photos from some on Twitter. I try be more sexual but I am on antidepressants and I have hypothyroidism which causes my libido to be low. It makes me sad because I wish I could change this but idk how. Is there something wrong that im not seeing from a different perspective? He did say it wasn’t ok for him to do that but he did it because I would reject him. We’ve been together for almost 4 years but married for 6.

28 comments

  1. Yeh he just justified shitting on you by blaming you. Like, how much longer you planning on being his slave?

  2. Please leave this man, he’s using this dumb excuse to cheat on you. Nothing justifies that

  6. Your husband is wrong about what he is doing but just for reference can you tell us roughly how often you are intimate so we have idea .

  10. Check how much money has actually been spent on this stuff. Safeguard yourself and have your money in a separate account. He made you feel it’s your fault but an understanding partner would communicate some alternatives and not seek gratification elsewhere.
    Leave before you have children. Find someone that puts you first… it’s that the point of marriage?

  11. Cheating is never excused by anything. What your husband did was wrong regardless of your sex life.

    If he has a problem he needs to discuss and address it with you. If that problem doesn’t get fixed he should suggest counseling or consider leaving you. His actions are wrong no matter how you slice it because he chose to handle a problem I’m your marriage by doing something wrong for quick gratification rather than talk to you about it.

    Now onto the sex part. Most people I know in happy relationships have sex 1-2 times a week at least. Studies show that is the average. That makes the average roughly 6-7 a month.

    Two or three times a month is basically half the average. Or less if it’s 2 and not 3.

    That implies that over half of all couples are having a good bit more sex than you two.

    There are obviously plenty of people who below average sexual activity. But your husbands sex drive could be high, medium, or low. But you’re low and if he’s medium or high he’s going to be unsatisfied.

    That also doesn’t include the *quality* of sex. If you’re having sex three times a month and it’s amazing some people might be okay with that.

    But all it takes is for one or two of those encounters to be lackluster and it doesn’t feel like you got laid at all. Sometimes a disappointing fuck can be worse than no fucking at all. Enthusiasm and effort matter, not just willingness to open your legs.

    Are you a starfish? Do you indulge in any kinks? Do you try multiple positions, oral, anal, or are you just having missionary sex only? Is there foreplay? Is there flirting and teasing outside the bedroom on days you dont have sex? Do you make your partner feel wanted? Desired? Do you make them *feel* sexy? It’s not just about how often you have sex but how sexual are you between sessions, and how good are the sessions when you *do* have them?

    There is a lot to examine but sex lives are integral to the vast majority of couples. Being incompatible is a deal breaker for *most* people.

    Cheating is never okay. We demonize it as the worst you can do to a partner.

    But absolutely nobody cheats in a vacuum or for no reason. And even if you end the relationship if you don’t examine *why* the cheating occurred and you don’t take steps to avoid that in the future you may find yourself getting cheated on again and again for the same persistent problem.

    Realistically if you want your marriage to work you need to address the cheating and address the lackluster sex life. Because clearly its not enough for your husband and it wouldn’t be enough for the majority of people.

    Or if you want to divorce then you need to definitely consider your lack of sexual interest a main compatibility component going into your next relationship. If you date someone who is highly sexual even if the honeymoon phase makes you more active, you need to be aware that unless you date someone with the same low libido you’re likely not going to last long.

    It’s really down to whether or not you want to put in the effort to address the cheating and the lack of sex drive or if you want to take to the dating world in the hopes of finding someone with a low sex drive.

  12. Cheaters always blame their partners when found out. It’s not your fault!!!! He is trying to make you think it’s your fault so you let him keep cheating.

    Divorce. He is disgusting.

  13. I think the more important question here would be, does this constitute cheating for you? Because I’d definitely view approaching sex workers outside the marriage and maintaining contact with them to purchase sexual content, and God knows what else, without your knowledge or consent as cheating.

    Also, OP, please bear in mind that your libido is decreased due to treatment for your medical condition, don’t let your husband gaslight you into justifying his behaviour.

    He is pushing a narrative of you withholding or not giving him enough of something he “needs” when, in fact, he is failing you as a partner while you are suffering with a long term illness. Hyperthyroidism is absolutely exhausting and can be very taxing on the body. *You* are the one that needs his support right now and those needs should be the focus in your relationship at present, not his sexual pleasure. If he can’t understand this, he has no business being married to anyone.

    Honestly, the mental gymnastics men do to make everything about how much their penises are getting touched rather than examine what’s actually happening in front of them is truly baffling. He needs to grow up and act like your husband, not cheat on his sick wife with sex workers then blame her because he doesn’t know how to relieve himself in the shower like a normal person.

  15. As a couple your sexual incompatibility is an issue. His seeking out sex workers is a response to that issue. He shouldn’t have gone behind your back but it also seems like he is just checking out other means of sexual gratification. It’s not as though you caught him with the neighbor in your bed. I’m not saying sneakily talking to sex workers is ok, I just want to put things in a little bit of perspective.

    I have to ask, did this all come out because you caught him or did it come up some other way?

    You both need to have some frank conversations ideally with a marriage counselor. The issue of your trust being broken, the issue of his inappropriate response to his sexual desires, the issue of compromise within your sex drives and most importantly the issue of communication around this whole issue.

    Is this a relationship that you want to repair & continue? Do you have faith that he has been honest with you about how far his extramarital exploration has gone? Do you trust that he wants to repair & continue your relationship?

    It is promising that he acknowledged he was handling things incorrectly. It isn’t on you to internalize the problem of mismatched sex drive because of a medication you take. This situation may be something you can overcome together, it may be a situation where too much damage has been done and it’s best to move on from each other before you cause each other more pain, rejection & betrayal. It’s got to be up to both of you.

  17. You see that’s not how a marriage works and so instead of trying to communicate this to you he decided to go against his vows and cheat. That should say enough about your future with him in the health and loyalty department. Get an STD panel done and file for divorce. This isn’t a man you want around for long since instead of talking to you he’s acting like a child and doing things behind your back and could potentially get you sicker.

  18. Honestly I’d want to leave the marriage. 6 months in and he can’t handle it? What’s he going to do when you have a kid or one of you gets sick and sex is off the table much longer? Not worth a lifetime of worrying how he’s going to react.

  19. Fuck him. He didn’t even try talking to you about it before cheating. Just because he’s paying them doesn’t make it not cheating. Dump his stupid ass and find someone who actually loves you and respects you.

  21. No, no, no, … your husband is talking to sex workers because he’s an unmitigated jerk. The rest is him blaming you for his faults. If he cannot take responsibility, be truthful in full, and improve, then, run, don’t walk.. best case. Or just run as it isn’t in any way your fault.

  22. You guys need to work this out and compromise. The reason being somebody with a high libido that’s already sort of cheating in a way is not going to stop at that. He’s going to have to compromise how much he needs and you’re going to have to compromise about how much you’re willing to do with him. This is a marriage you need to work it out or you’re gonna have a much bigger problem.

  24. Cheaters always blame their partners! Don’t drink the cool aid

    With one of my pregnancies I had a high risk pregnancy and a traumatic delivery and couldn’t have sex for a long time. You know how many prostitutes my husband contacted ? None. You know why? Because he loves me and is a decent and honourable human being.

  25. I think you hit with him at a young age and now he doesn’t meet your needs or treat you right, but you married him so want to fix this.

    He’s cheating on you and blaming you for his choices. You fix this by dumping him. Do it while you’re still young. Don’t throw away your youth on this loser.

  26. Id talk to a divorce lawyer – the only person to blame for your husbands actions are your husband

  28. My wife could never have sex with me again and the thought of cheating wouldn’t even cross my mind your husband is a pos and you deserve better

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