TW: SA mention, childhood abuse
I have been with my partner for multiple years and it’s been an ongoing issue that when they drink we tend to get into an argument over my “lack of caring” about them and our relationship.
I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive home, I learned to placate my abuser to keep from being hurt and unfortunately no matter how much therapy I have gone to I cannot break that cycle, I’m not sure if it’s because I’m autistic or if it’s a deeper seeded trauma response that is not allowing me to disengage from this behavior. I am also an SA survivor so intimacy is not something I initiate due to ptsd.
The way I think I show that I care about them is through packing their lunch before they leave for work, surprising them with their favorite snacks after a hard day, and I often try to get them to spend quality time with me but due to the work schedule they have it’s often difficult for us to have meaningful time together.
I love my partner, and I don’t want them to feel like they are only “a place holder” as they have told me during the arguments. They do not believe in love languages and only got more upset when I suggested we go to couples therapy together. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can make them understand that I do love them and want them in my life? I’m at a loss and I don’t want to throw away 3 years. I’m really trying but it’s not seeming like they see it.
2 comments
Well sadly you cannot make them see, they would have to be more open minded.
Once you explain your trauma and what your boundaries are your partner should be immediately willing to work with you or adjust. If they refuse to understand where you’re coming from there’s not much you can do…
For example I am also a SA survivor and an abuse victim, my mother was not the most loving or caring individual, I did not learn to show affection properly, and occasionally I come off as cold.
I was committed to someone for 6 years who constantly would tell me, “ I don’t feel like you care” or that I’m being “distant”. For a while I did my best to try hard and step out of the little box I locked myself in, and eventually it worked. Although it took a lot of effort from both sides. My partner was patient with me and took the time to understand and work with me to break down my trauma walls. Unfortunately he passed away 3 years ago.
Sometimes it is overwhelming for some individuals. But if you both sit down and have a conversation, and agree to work together, it will be a long journey…and a lot of the time it will not be a fairytale but in the end, if you both love and care for eachother you can create something unbreakable.
I hope this helped even in the slightest.
You are not a failure when you do and act out of love. Your feelings and valid and a supportive relationship should have mutual give and take.
I too grew up in an abusive household and somehow I learned that what I want does not matter and I always strive to support the other person. Loyal to a fault.
I’ve learned to value that what I want matters and I can pursue it. My value is not in serving the other person. I’m caring and loving but not there give them their needs and have mine ignored.
I became aware that I might be picked by them because I’m giving. I’ve learned to cultivate relationships that have mutual exchange of caring an affection.
Hope this helps.