Me (24f) and my bf (27m) have been dating for 6 months and have been good friends for many years before that. We have a great connection and I could truly see myself ending up with him, but there are some things that really make me question the relationship and even my own sanity at times that I can’t seem to make sense of.
• he doesn’t seem to get much joy out of / really care about anything outside of video games, sports, watching tv, and smoking weed
• he doesn’t have many friends / never hangs out with them. He spends all his time going to work and indulging in above activities which worries me, but he seems to be perfectly content with it
• any holiday or special occasion is completely meaningless to him. we spent his birthday and this new years playing video games inside, and this made me upset. I went out of my way to spend the holiday by him (medium distance relationship) and there were no initiatives on his end to make it special (go out for a movie or dinner, make dinner at home, nothing). It was just another night and we ended up making dinner because i asked him to (which i did 98% of the work). Not to mention i got him what i thought was a really thoughtful christmas gift, with a handmade card and all, and he still had only half my gift (which was laying out in his room in plain sight for me to see the whole week leading up to this) laying there. He seemed really apologetic and said he would make it up to me, and a week later he showed up with same gift unwrapped, threw it in my direction, and called it a day. This really made me feel like shit. I may have gone a little overboard with his gifts but thats just because i was excited to get things I thought he would like and I dont expect the same in return, its not about the money for me i just want the effort to show he cares. I wasnt even worth picking up a gift bag for, just some candy and a gift card still in the store bag with the receipt still in it.
• he’s very unromantic. He has never gotten me flowers even though he knows I like them and get them for myself, never holds my hand, never cuddles or lays with me after sex just immediately cleans himself up and gets dressed, doesnt really touch/grab me in random moments like most bfs seem to do.
•blows hot and cold. One day he’s texting me all day being sweet and planning a nice dinner, the next he seems like he’s just a friend.
Keep in mind that these are just his traits that im struggling with, there is plenty that he is / does that makes him a wonderful person otherwise that obviously wont be mentioned here. I also know that he struggles with mental health issues, so I struggle talking to him about these issues because i dont know how to have a conversation about these things without hurting him. I essentially want to know if these are things to be massively concerned about, if its just typical guy things , if these are all signs connecting to something bigger going on that im not seeing, and how to approach him about these subjects, especially since i’ve let so much pile up i dont want to make it feel like im attacking him either while still wanting to address all my concerns.
Tldr: bf finds no joy or interest in friends, family, or special occasions/making me feel special. I want to know if these are red flags, if they all amount to something, and how i can approach him about about all these things without coming off hostile/blaming
33 comments
After writing all of this out, do you still think you have a “great connection?”
While I get that you might have lots of good things to say about your relationship, these things you pointed out are significant in my opinion.
Reread those few points you made. Will you be happy with those issues long term? If not, you have to find a way to talk to him about it even if it upsets him. Nothing will change otherwise. And if you keep letting things pile up, eventually it will all just blow up.
Does he smoke weed every day? Cause most people who do don’t really give a shit about much else. Speaking from experience. It’s like walking around in a cloud and nothing really touches you
You need a break to reset his appreciation of you
he’s a total LOSER – you know this – you also k ow you can do much better
He might be struggling with depression, so I would be careful in how you go about breaking up
Ahhh girl, I’ve seen so many of my friends in relationships like this in their 20s, and the same thing happened to all of them – they hoped the man would start to show more overtly that he cared, and he never did. Maybe your boy is different, but…
He’s currently living the life he wants – doing little, high, playing games, and a cute girl he can have fun with when he feels like it and barely talks to when he isn’t feeling it. The gift thing isn’t a mistake – it’s him showing you how much effort he’s prepared to give.
If you haven’t raised with him the problems, then it’s a bit on you – he has what he wants, he won’t know you aren’t satisfied unless you say something. He’ll just assume silence = everything is good!
So my advice is talk it out, but be prepared.to walk away if he isn’t going to meet you halfway. “Romantic gestures are important to me, and I want a relationship where my partner shows his appreciation of me with some tangible action – be it gifts, hand holding and cuddling, or thoughtful compliments. I feel I make an effort to do this for you, but don’t get much back from you. Do you think you could make that a higher priority in our relationship, or is the way things are right now as far as you’re willing to go?”
Stuff like that. It doesn’t have to be aggressive or confrontational. You just have needs that aren’t being met and as much as it would suck to break up because you do like him, there’s lots of folks out there. You have the power to find someone who will give you that romantic emotional fulfilment if he isn’t interested in doing it.
Good luck!
Sounds like an addict, honestly.
To me it seems like you have personality differences is all. He sounds laid back, content with life, and not very superficial. You seem like you have expectations and project onto him the idea of what a boyfriend should be. You said you didn’t have any expectation about Christmas gifts but you clearly did. A lot of people just don’t celebrate commercial holidays anymore and are putting less importance on materialism. That’s okay if you do want to celebrate those holidays, just communicate what you want/expect. And before Valentines day comes. I don’t see any red flags just a standard compatibility issue.
None of this sounds appealing in a boyfriend. You said he has mental health issues, what steps is he talking to get that addressed? It does sound like he may be depressed, but that’s not a free pass to be an inconsiderate partner.
Your boyfriends seems to be “dead inside” (couldn’t find a better way to express what I think). The things you described are major things and I couldn’t be with a guy like that. To name a few:
>• he **doesn’t seem to get much joy out of / really care about anything** outside of video games, sports, watching tv, and **smoking weed**
• **he doesn’t have many friends** / never hangs out with them. He spends all his time going to work and indulging in above activities which worries me, but he seems to be perfectly content with it
• any holiday or special occasion is **completely meaningless to him**.
If you’d be sure you could live with all of that and more what you described you wouldn’t have come here. Time to end things.
Um, you *seriously* can’t put your finger on why this relationship feels wrong? Could it have something to do with the way he had **zero** interest in making you happy?
There was once a study involving three groups of puppies – the first one was lavished with love and attention, the second group was ignored by the carers, and the carers of the third group rapidly alternated between giving the puppies love or just ignoring them. Guess which group became the most obsessed with their carers and the most desperate to please?
You say this guy has some good qualities. So please tell me, and take as much time as you like, what qualities he has that make up for the fact that he treats you like shit.
Hi there, this is called the end of the honeymoon period. Right on schedule, 6 months after you started dating.
Now you can actually look at this relationship objectively and decide whether this guy makes your life better or not. I suspect the answer is no given the fact you’ve made this post but that’s cool, now you know.
The honeymoon period is pretty fun though hey 🙂
Yeah, you may have a lot of things you didn’t post that he does great but all the things you listed up above are never going to change. You need to make sure you’re OK the rest of your life with him not planning anything special for you, not giving you flowers, always playing video games, smoking weed, etc. I would not put up with that but that is me. If you’re OK with your life being like that for the rest of your life by all means stay.
Your relationship is off because you don’t really have one.
Is all of the effort you put into this really worth it? Are you content with dating someone who could care less about meeting any of your wants or needs?
If this is who he is, and these things are already upsetting you now, they are likely to be even more hurtful as time goes on. Five years from now, you will see some friends of yours doing a big gift exchange, and you will feel awful because–the week begore–you just got a half-assed gift.
The thing is, it does show a lack of care, especially if he knows it upsets you, and still doesn’t make a half-decent effort. It also sounds like your physical affection isn’t where you’d like it to be, and he isn’t up to expand his horizons beyond his little cycle, and he doesnt do romantic things that you would like. Those things are also likely to be true five years on, too. So are the good elements of the relationship enough to balance out all of this stuff if it all stays the same? And what are the good elements?
Some of this stuff you can also try to change. Have you tried to have conversations about the things where you’re feeling that something is missing?
He sounds very apathetic on most of these points. Not much joy, doesn’t care to much about special occasions, maybe the not be romantic part that one can be something else the not cuddling after sex us more either lack of care for partner or lack of knowledge about the need of most partners to stick around. Assume the 2nd first benefit of the doubt.
Is this normal for guys, it’s not the majority there are a decent amount of guys that act like this. Say big introvert (on the few friends and being homebody type), those with depression, those with heavy walls built…
Is this an auto deal breaker no, if this is important to you then you will have a hard decision in the future. Don’t stay in the expectation he will change in a conceivable way though. I personally live a more apathetic life it’s not something that can just change.
I think you need to somehow find a way to discuss the things mentioned like give him constructive criticism and if that doesn’t go well I think it’s time to call it quits OP. He’s acting in a way that doesn’t align to your standards and what you deserve. Since you say he is a wonderful person outside of these things give him a chance but if not, you can find someone better I think. Also do you deeply genuinely love him? Reflect on that
Seriously. How many times a week on this sub do we see posts that are essentially:
“My SO is great and wonderful and we connect and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with them.
Only problem is, all they do is smoke weed and play video games. Barely pay attention to me. Never do anything romantic or plan dates. No job. No money. No friends.”
OP, what do you get from this person other than some flattering texts here and there and half-assed incomplete gifts?
He could be chronically depressed. He could be lazy.
He could be very many things, but one thing he isn’t is compatible with you.
6 months in and you can clearly see that you don’t have much in the way of common interests and that you can not live like that.
Take it as a learning experience and move on.
Minus weed, i sound like your BF:
-have you verbally communicated to him how you feel? If you’re expecting him to “Just know” i got some bad news for you, we aren’t built like that. If you haven’t told me directly, assume i don’t know until i tell you otherwise.
-do you listen while communicating? Example, can you tell me why he doesn’t friends? Also, why doesn’t he celebrate holidays? This goes back to communicating effectively.
-has he expressed he will make more of an effort on holidays? I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to maintain relationships and not i do it for my kids. As long as i can get my me time later I’m good.
I’m guessing either there’s something medical or something that causes him to just get through life instead of enjoying life. You guys should talk about whatever that is. He should consider a therapist.
I think this is just who your BF is? And you can take it or leave it. Dont stay with someone hoping theyll change. But there isnt some magic answer to make your boyfriend a different person who IS romantic and enthusiastic
I’m 3 years into a relationship with the same guy and I wish I had seen his lack of luster as more a red flag in the first few months. Now I’m planning an exit with a time lost fallacy holding me back most days. Like, I know he cares, but not enough for me to feel good about it.
Got to say one thing. He might not hang out with friends in a physical sense but online gaming could be just that. I know people who play with a group that joke and laugh and talk while playing. Been playing together for 20 years. Had one friend who invited her gaming friends to her wedding and not other friends. He might be getting enough (for him) friendship, and/or community this way.
As to some of the other things, a talk with him stating some of your expectations of the relationship might help. Do you have anything in common that you could do together?
“I’m wondering if I have a good car. There’s a couple things I don’t like about it. It doesn’t have an engine. It doesn’t have wheels. It doesn’t have seats and it smells so bad that you can’t even sit inside of it. Other than that it’s pretty good.”
Unfortunately, what your describing your dislikes is his personality traits. These things are who he is and you can’t change him. He is a gamer and sports and TV guy. Gamers tend to be introvert not always if he does alot of online gaming but it sounds like with mental health issues your not happy in your relationship. Talk to him or find someone you have more in common with. He isn’t romantic like you want and doesn’t want to do social events like you want either. Upu can accept him for who he is or do these things you enjoy with other friends. Your choice but it’s not a perfect relationship but no one is you have to work and communicate your feelings. Don’t expect that one day he will turn into a different person and buy you gifts he isn’t that person.
INFO: have you talked to him about any of this? Have you told him you want to create specialness in life and that that matters to you?
What do you mean you can’t put your finger on it?
You’ve written it all out.
You two are incompatible. You are not happy with him and you have completely different versions of happiness. How can that ever end well? He’s not going to change…you should find someone who has compatible views and preferences, not be trying to change someone that doesn’t match you at all.
Your boyfriend is showing you who he is, do not pursue a relationship where you expect the other person to change. Folks in healthy relationships can compromise but you are six months into a relationship where you don’t see each other that often, you have expressed some concerns and he has addressed it with minimal effort. Cut your losses, go back to being friends and keep looking for someone who is more aligned with what you value in a relationship. That in no way means he isn’t a nice person, but he doesn’t seem right for you and he isn’t going to change, he is good with who he is and how he lives his life.
I was in a situation kind of similar to your boyfriend a few years ago, so I feel like I can speak pretty well to this.
It sounds like he’s extremely depressed, with no direction or actual support/understanding for his issues. I’m not defending him, because I know firsthand that dealing with somebody who’s in this stage of their life is *extremely difficult*, especially to date, but all the comments here go directly to incompatible and I just want to give advice if you actually want to work it out.
Men truly don’t get almost any support for our mental health nowadays. If we’re depressed and struggling to get up in the morning, we’re lazy. If we’re upset or extremely down, we’re weak. That’s why there’s a very normal understanding that men don’t share their feelings almost ever, because it’s weaponized against us and generally nobody cares. That being said, your BF might be dealing with some pretty intense stuff and uses things like video games and weed to escape and not think about it.
It’s not an excuse, but the first step if you want to be with him is have a frank discussion about why he does the things he does and push him to see a therapist. If you aren’t explicit with some people you’ll never get anywhere, so having the conversation (no matter how tough it is) is necessary.
The inconsistency and escapism makes it sound to me like your partner may be clinically depressed and is heavily self-medicating in a way that’s preventing him from being a well-rounded person. I’d suggest gently confronting him and explaining that you love him, but things need to change. That your lives are becoming defined by his illness and dependence on weed/games/isolation in a way that is simply unhealthy for either of you. Offer to help him in any way you can: helping schedule therapy, exercise with him, try meditation together, etc. Try convincing, nudging and encouraging him for a while.
Then, if it doesn’t take, just cash in and find someone to live your life with who’s actually willing to live theirs.
Some people are just like this.
At some point I realized I didn’t want to spend my life on a couch or investing hours into video games with him.
We had lived an hour from the Pacific Ocean and hadn’t ever visited in the two years we lived there. I’m now married to a very adventurous man that is exciting and romantic and funny
Your effort needs to be matched. You clearly value him, that’s why you do nice things for him, get him thoughtful gifts, and want to have nice holidays with him.
He isn’t showing you anywhere NEAR the same effort or value. You say he SAYS nice, sweet things to you (sometimes) but actions speak louder than words and his actions really are shouting here just how little he values you. He’s doing the absolute bare minimum to see just how little he can get away with and still keep you around.
I don’t know about you, but this would be a deal breaker for me and I’d move on. There are plenty of fish in the sea who would be more than willing to treat you the way you deserve.