I (m) recently had a short term exclusive dating experience where I was very much taken with this woman. I had kind of felt her moving away for a bit, and she eventually said she was confused about what to do given where she was at emotionally. I’m quick to make decisions, so I immediately thought it’d be best if we no longer see each other. I know a lot of guys will stay and try to fight for a woman, but I’ve always felt like if I have to fight for her, it’s probably not worth it. I’ve always put a lot of value on myself and what I bring to the table, so second chances are not in the cards. I’ve broken things off with other women before after developing feelings for someone else, and I’d never go back to the first woman even if I liked her because I think she deserves better than me the second I say I have feelings for someone else. If someone else distracted you once, what’s to stop someone else from distracting you later down the line?
Am I an asshole or too firm in my beliefs about this? Women, do you actually want men to fight for you in times like this? I’d love to know anyone’s success and/or failure stories. Thanks.
18 comments
I think you made the right choice. You don’t have time for uncertainty and games. That’s the mindset I wish I was capable of.
I had an experience like this. Met someone a few years who I basically fell head over heels in love with and was as close to perfect as humanly possible in my eyes. Even just iMessage banter with her made my day, and spending time getting to know her felt like a massive blessing. We dated casually and although we got along really well, I always sensed her interest level didn’t match mine. Asked her where her head was at and where she saw this going and she brutally ghosted me. Reached out later to tell me she wasn’t looking for a relationship with anyone but I saw her profile on bumble and saw she was actively following new guys on IG during the same time period. Got the message and moved on
Got a second chance recently out of the blue, and the feelings came rushing back, especially since we got intimate this time. I did my best to make this count and went all out to try and make her feel special; told her exactly how I felt, got her a gift basket for her birthday even though we only just reconnected, fancy cake to mark a promotion at work, made it known that I would accommodate seeing her whenever it suited her in my schedule etc. I love children and would love to be a father, but she wants to be child free and that’s something I would have accommodated for her. She ended up calling it off over something that she told me wasn’t my fault, which I went ballistic trying to apologize for and which I really felt didn’t warrant the kind of cold shoulder she gave me ( especially since I let the initial ghosting slide without any issue). I am still reeling from this months later
I was thinking of making one last attempt to win her back with a sentimental set of gifts and a letter, but saw a post where she said she had a bunch of casual partners to hook up with and that just reinforced the fact how little she cares about me and how painlessly she moved past this
For better or worse, people often show you who they are. It’s up to you to use that however you wish. Keep in mind that the depth of your love today will often be the size of your wound tomorrow
In this situation, you made the right decision.
Women who say they are confused are not worth the effort, most of the time. For a relationship, as a man, you want to be with someone that really wants to be with you, and believes to be lucky to have you
You probably saved yourself from a lot of pain later on.
> I know a lot of guys will stay and try to fight for a woman, but I’ve always felt like if I have to fight for her, it’s probably not worth it.
I think this is the most interesting thing you said. I’ve always said it about myself, but it was in reference to fighting another woman for him. That’s not my jam, and if he puts me in that position, I’ll just default.
Fighting for a relationship is different, though. You didn’t imply there’s another guy in the works, so if you mean she’s emotionally distant because she’s going through something, I personally would fight for that if it was worth it. By “fight” I mean give her space if she needs it, etc.
This is one of those weird Schrödinger’s cat scenarios. It’s kind of hard to explain. A guy fighting for you can be both a turn off or a turn on.
If she also has feelings for you, then it will be the ultimate turn on and she will do that romantic swooning motion and fall into your arms, rose petals will fall from the sky and angels will sing.
If however she really is uncertain about how she feels about you (or she secretly has feelings for someone else) then you trying really hard to win her over will give her the ick and turn her off majorly.
Women are weird.
I’m actively the same way. I make a clean break. Hell I even had someone I was talking to and just “excited about the possibilities of” and blocked them on everything when they fade-ghosted.
I am now dating in my 30s because I gave too many second chances over the years lol. I would like to say it depends on the situation, but after so much personal life experience and seeing others who are dating and giving second chances to various things end up with more disappointing results than positive, I’d say no, don’t waste your time. We all have fully developed brains at this point and are capable of making smart decisions the first time around.
Second chances are very much an “it depends” kind of thing. In general, I don’t think I’d give any of my exes a second chance because a lot of my relationships ended due to incompatibility. Even if they could demonstrate that they had changed, I think I’d struggle to open up old wounds.
That being said, my current girlfriend and I are a “second chance” situation. When we met about a year ago, we both felt a strong connection but things fizzled out due to bad timing and poor communication on my part. I’m delighted we have a second chance and I care about her a lot. I think the important thing is that things didn’t fizzle out due to incompatibility but more timing. And, some time passed in between, allowing us to focus on ourselves and grow.
I tend not to give people second chances. I screwed over myself in my younger years, giving a witch of a woman a second chance, married her, had kids together, and now divorced and dealing with joint custody.
No second chances… dated a woman after my divorce. She broke it off after a year. She spent another year off and on begging me back. No sirree.
I’m currently talking to this one chick whom I used to date like 2 years ago. I broke up with her once I found out that she was married. But now she is divorced and ready to mingle. We are fuckbuddies right now.
I don’t want to give the last guy I talked to a chance. He’s too immature and emotionally unavailable for me. He doesn’t deserve me. He needs a therapist.
You did the right thing. You have to be willing to move on and never look back. She has your contact details so if she wanted to reach out to you she would.
I think second chances are really dependent on the situation. I’d give someone a second chance if I really liked them unless they had really done something extremely terrible. Sometimes things get in the way such as timing, mental health, family issues etc that really shouldn’t be held against a person forever. I’m not opposed at all, assuming both parties have good communication and are on the same page.
Whenever anyone tried to give me a second chance it worked out very poorly for them. Similarly whenever I’ve wanted to give someone a second chance they ended up making the same choice they did the first time. I think second chances only work if it was a concrete problem that’s now fixed – like long distance.
It depends. It probably shouldn’t. Most women will cancel right before a first date, usually claiming to not feel well. It’s better than outright ghosting. Most of these women are pretending to be unwell because they changed their minds. Even if they say they want to schedule a different day, most will ghost you at that point. If they agree to meet again, most will cancel again, or not show up and ghost. As men we don’t have the options so we often work on a scarcity mindset. It’s easy to keep allowing women to treat you like you are not fully human. Being treated as utterly disposable was not the norm until dating apps ruined dating.
Well my current boyfriend is someone I matched with on the apps in early 2020. I was unsure if I could deal with his goatee (petty, I know) and also he was super eager in a way that made me nervous. That, along with the pandemic, a friend dying, and meeting someone else who did not freak me out (ha ha because he ended up being super avoidant), I abruptly cut things off.
…two years later I start noticing him around town. Realized we attended some similar events. He looked pretty cute in person. Then Facebook suggested him as a friend because we had 30 people in common. So I slid into his DMs. Luckily he didn’t hold a grudge. He still had a terrible goatee. But when I said something about it he said “if that’s the only thing preventing me from dating a beautiful woman I’ll consider shaving it”. Two months later it was trimmed down. We did have a rocky start because he was still enthusiastic in a way that freaked me out. But 8 months in and I am head over heels and could not imagine a better partner or not having him in my life. He’s the kindest man I’ve met, and much sexier than I ever gave him credit for.
So second chances are worth it sometimes. We both had grown and changed in the two years of not talking and we both had to take a chance and it’s been great.
Hey, so I (f) just got out of a similar situation. Dated him for 5 months and we both felt it was soulmate material. I think he got scared, he couldn’t make up his mind and when I tried to have a serious conversation, he dumped me over text and that was it. For me it’s about knowing my boundaries. But as much as I want to say I wouldn’t try again, I probably would. If it’s meant to be, it will be
Everyone is an ex for a reason. While I do believe that people can grow and change, and I do believe in second chances on life, I am under no obligation to provide one on regards to my romantic life. So, for me personally, no I don’t.