I know y’all only care about messy toxic shit on here but please read this and help me, I’m really struggling. I (F26) have been dating B (M33) for two years. We have had really good times together but also really hard times. I love him a lot. This is my first long term relationship and I have learned so much about myself and I’m so glad I got to learn it from him. Onto the issue.
B has been out of work for 10 months now due to a chronic pain issue of unknown origin. The past 10 months have been filled with doctor appointment after doctor appointment trying to find out what’s wrong to no avail. This has put a major strain on our relationship. I’m not getting my needs met. We don’t go on dates anymore. I don’t feel appreciated for the things I do or buy.
We currently live with B’s parents. This is not my ideal living situation and I thought he knew I’m not exactly happy living out of a bedroom of his parent’s house. I want more. This all kind of flooded out during a conversation last night and ultimately he asked if I was happy and I said I was not (I also work a job I really hate that leads to me being unhappy in life so not all of this is due to the situation with him.) I think it’s ridiculous to ask me to be happy when I’m not even getting the bare minimum.
My question is this. How do you know it’s time to end the relationship? I love him dearly. I don’t want to leave just because things are hard, but I’m basically just waiting and hoping things get better. I don’t want to break up with him and regret it later because there’s no way of reconciling the relationship later if I do this (we’ve briefly talked about breaking up before and he said if we do this, that’s it, end of story.) I really just don’t know what to do.
TL;DR: My relationship is not in a good place. How do I know it’s time to break up?
5 comments
>How do you know it’s time to end the relationship?
I really think this is a question you can only answer yourself. You’ve been in this relationship for two years, so I don’t recommend acting rashly on it if you’re not entirely sure yet. Generally, though, when someone describes themselves as “not happy anymore,” like you have, that’s a sign that a relationship might be on its last leg.
If you want to work things out with him, I think the first step is to figure out which of your needs aren’t being met in this relationship. Then, you have to figure out if there’s some other way for you to meet those needs, or if it’s something that you have to ask of your partner. Then, discuss it with him. If the relationship is meant to be, he’ll be willing to work with you on this. If you’re open to it, a couples counselor may be able to help you two navigate this space as well.
If you give it an honest try and realize that he is unable to or unwilling to meet your needs, then I’d say it’s time to walk away.
You ask yourself, “What needs to happen for this relationship to be healthy, enduring, and fulfilling?” Take whatever that answer is and put it through the filter of “Is this something feasible given the history, circumstances, and players involved?”
If the answer to the second question is “No”, then you’re getting towards the exit.
If it’s “Yes”, you voice those needs and then give it a reasonable amount of time to resolve. If it doesn’t in a reasonable time, ask the questions again and make your decision.
Why do people have such rigid attitudes towards relationships (I mean him saying “if we do this, that’s it, end of story”)? That’s just baggage thrown on top of something that naturally accumulates baggage. It’s good that he knows you’re unhappy about your circumstance, even if you thought it was obvious before.
You’re making me think about the grey area between being happy and being unhappy.
Best advice I can offer is communicate so you understand what each of you are going through. Not in a competitive way lol I just mean if you care for each other, you want to know where that person is on the happiness scale.
If you’re not able to talk and work cooperatively to nurture each other’s happiness, then it’s time to break up.
It sounds like you have pretty much hit a breaking point. You’ve been dealing with this for quite a while, and there’s seemingly no clear path to the issues being resolved.
There’s not always a clear marker of when it’s time to break up, but sometimes it’s good to ask the question, “If I break up with this person, would I be able to find another relationship that is as good as this?”
And I think that you could definitely find another guy who is unemployed, whose parents you would have to live with, who doesn’t appreciate the things you do or buy, who isn’t meeting your needs, and who never goes on dates with you. Like, maybe this will turn around and become good again some day, but looking at what the relationship actually is at this point (and has been for a while), it’s not super great.
>How do you know it’s time to end the relationship?
If you’re even asking the question, then it’s time.