My (F20) partner (M22) and I have been together for almost two years. We met at university and have been living together more or less the entire two years. It’s our final year and our tenancy ends in July.
Naturally, I’ve been looking at jobs and figuring out my living arrangements for when I finish. I kind of assumed that we would continue living together but nothing was set in place. Anyway, his family are moving across seas in the summer. Up until now, he’s not really given me any idea of what his plans are. He says he’s still thinking about, and that is absolutely fine. I don’t want to rush him or give him any pressure about staying here with me. I understand that if my family moved overseas, I would have the urge to go with them. The career that I’m aiming for is UK based so it wouldn’t be an option for me anyway.
I overheard a conversation last night with one of his siblings that went a little like “when we move to [insert country], we should…” so I queried him once the call ended. He told me that he had plans to go out there for at least a year. Could be longer, could be shorter. I can’t go with him because the country they’re moving to requires you to be married to live together (and we both agree that we’re too young to be thinking about that) and as previously mentioned, my career is based in the UK. I told him that I didn’t want to do long distance for a prolonged or permanent period of time. This is something that his parents have always done, so it’s normal for him and he doesn’t see an issue. I let him know that if he’s going for a year, we can work with that, but if he’s going permanently then we should think about moving on as opposed to wasting 7 months holding onto something that won’t go any further. I started thinking about our future and informed him that I didn’t want to put my future children in the position of having married parents that live 9 hours away from one another.
He seems to be getting frustrated with me, but I can’t help but feel as though I’ve wasted two years on a relationship that has no real potential. His family have moved around their entire lives and his parents have spent several years living in different countries to one another. I guess I wish that he had told me that there was a possibility that he would be moving again at some point before we started this relationship so that I could’ve just left it at a one night fling. Long distance has never been an option in my mind.
I don’t want to give him the ultimatum of me or his family because that wouldn’t be fair at all. I would never expect him to choose me over his family. But I just can’t see it working out. I can’t help but feel that a temporary spate of sadness of a break up now would be more manageable than feeling sad every time we have to leave one another again.
Am I in the wrong for asking him to give me a set plan and for feeling upset?
Tldr; my boyfriend may be moving country and I feel bad for asking him to make a choice between me or moving.
3 comments
You haven’t wasted 2 years: you’ve had a good relationship it seems. If you stop worrying about non-existent children, that will help.
Everyone goes thru a major transition as they leave university, and that’s what happening here. Transitions mean that things change. And things will change here. The faster you accept that change, the more at peace you’ll be.
I think its perfectly understandable for you to feel upset. An important relationship and the future you imagined are looking doubtful. But that doesn’t mean that the time has been wasted. You were happy for two years and have hopefully grown and matured as a result of the relationship.
I also think that you’ve presented your boyfriend with three reasonable options. And demanding some clarity is perfectly sensible. But try not to get too angry with him. He’s having to make a very difficult decision that he probably never wanted or asked for. Evasion is a natural response in that situation. You have a right to push for an answer, but try to go easy on him.
There are times I look back on some of the decisions I’d made in my life and how I’d have done things differently if I’d had the wisdom I’ve gained after living for as long as I’ve lived.
It sounds to me as though your relationship has run its course. You don’t want long distance; he couldn’t care less if it’s a long-distance relationship.
You certainly didn’t waste two years of your life, because this relationship has allowed you to grow and develop skills you can take with you to the next relationship.
So long as you were in university together, it was easy to be together and live your life. Now that you’re graduating, it’s time to take stock and it looks like the two of you are in different places emotionally and, soon, geographically.
The distance thing sounds like a deal breaker to you but I can kind of sense you’re looking for reasons to be okay with it. There’s nothing wrong with deciding this relationship has run its course and it’s time for the both of you to move on.
Yes, it’s painful, but you’ll work thru that over time. Yes, you’ll occasionally think about “what could have been” but when you’re with the right person, who shares the same values and isn’t misleading you into thinking they’re still on the fence when the truth is, they’re not, you’ll know a break up with this guy was really the best thing that could have happened to you.
Your BF is already telling his family he’s going with them, thus the plans he’s making with his sister. That sounds pretty definitive to me and I don’t see anything in that to make me think otherwise. I can’t help but feel he’s stringing you along to suit him, more than considering making any plans with you for the future.