hello reddit! im 19, and i have a boyfriend of 3 years, going onto 4th. F19, M20. we are both deeply in love. for all of last year, we were no longer long distance. however, we are long distance again now. naturally im very shy about new people and personal topics.. me and boyfriend know a lot about each others desires and kinks, but when it comes to really starting much, i shy away, unless its small steps. towards the start of our time together last year, i was very open, and we did some fun things behind doors. (no penetration or insertion anywhere, making out, hugging, other things..)
him and i both feel strong sexual attraction for each other, and in general. he has admitted to me that his libido is a lot stronger than mine, and i agree. he has a stronger drive, which is also a medical problem… it brings him significally more pain when we are together.. + the fact that he used to have sex almost everyday, until he broke up with his ex, but, i don’t want to start this part of us yet..
first and foremost, im not ready. and while i do love him, i want to be completely sure about who i share this experience with.. i love him so much. and i could never see myself sharing with a stranger, or a friend. he also despises the idea of being with someone else for sex. i am a sucker for romance and having a relationship. i also have sexual tramua, so its hard to get started and reach out to do anything sexually related with him, and its worse if he offers.
second, due to carefulness and chastity, ive always kept it to myself. (i feel guility sometimes because i was taught religion but that’s all.) sometimes i like to wear flashy clothes (see-through cleavage area, tight/form fitting) because it makes me feel confident with or without him, and i like when people can see my beauty, that i usually hide.
but, this moment in time doesn’t feel right. he feels right, and i love him dearly.. but im worried if he can handle me at that level even.. im not in much of a rush to do it, but when we were no longer long distance, my body got very intense to the point where when we fell asleep together, i would touch him and do naughty things, in my sleep. he would stop me from doing those things in good faith… but i felt like i was lying to myself so often. i see his condition and i feel bad for him, but it won’t make me rush my decision or any kind of decision.
for now, he asks me for pictures. i used to send them more often, but i feel weird about sending them now. it makes me feel nervous because i know what its for. more commonly, i feel strong urges to engage in naughty conversation, i used to feel that with pictures…
tldr (?) im a shy sexually repressed with a open sexually repressed boyfriend going onto 4 years together, i have trouble getting started, being open, and entrusting anyone completely.
looking for people who have felt this / advice / comfort / anything positive about my struggles
2 comments
Have you had any therapy for your sexual trauma? You don’t have to answer of course, but it is a possibility that you can’t open up like that yet because you’re afraid of being hurt/vulnerable again or for another reason linked to that trauma.
I know how very difficult it is to go past that stage and ‘just’ open up, but maybe you can start by sending some dirty messages instead of the pictures and include things that you like to make it more personal? Or talk with him about it and see if him starting messages might lead to a better result?
Do you feel like your boyfriend is pressuring you for sex?
Calling his high libido a medical problem, describing himself in pain when you spend time together, and talking about the frequency of sex he used to have all sound like he is putting pressure on you to have sex sooner.
Also, how do you know that you touched him sexually when you were asleep? Did he tell you that?