My husband (30M) is a kind and wonderful man. I (30F) love him dearly. We’ve been friends since highschool but only started dating in our mid 20s. Because of this, I’ve known his mother since I was 16 and always thought of her as a cool lady. She was a single mom and I always gave her credit for this. We had a really good relationship, until my husband started telling me childhood stories about 2 years into our relationship.
I had an amazing childhood with loving and doting parents who worked extremely hard to give my brother and I loving upbringings. I talked a lot about childhood memories. My husband can’t remember much about his childhood, but mentioned that he and his siblings were “naughty” and his mother used to yell and punish he and his (3) siblings a lot. He said this in a light-hearted way, so I was expecting that he meant it was like a Malcolm in the Middle situation. I was also aware that his mother and father split when my husband was around 7 because his mom cheated on him. His dad moved states, and they now have a strained relationship. My husband blames him for being an absent dad.
My husband’s sister has lived in another state since before I met him. Apparently she moved in with their dad when he left. My husband is extremely close to his sister and it breaks his heart that she doesn’t live close to him. About 1 year into dating I asked for more details about why she moved in with her dad. My husband (then partner) told me that his mom punished all the siblings, but would punish her the worst. He then went on to say that his mom would “beat them” with a wooden spoon and sometimes an electrical cord. I reacted in a general “wtf” manner. He laughed and said “yeah, once my friends were over and she asked me to do the dishes and I said no, trying to be cool in front of my friends, and she pulled my pants down and spanked me several times”. I was shocked. He was 10 or 11 and this point. I told him that must have been humiliating and his tone changed a bit.
Years later more of the picture began to unfold. I found out that his sister was SA’d by the father’s stepchildren and that she’d tried to move back to the mother’s house when she was 14. It lasted 1 year, but her mom kept beating her to the extent that she moved back to the father’s home state and couch surfed, even resorted to homelessness. He is very stoic and didn’t give me much more info due to bad memories, but it must have been pretty bad if homelessness was a better alternative than living with mom. My boyfriend feels tremendous guilt because he helped her move/run away. He helped her pack, carried her bags to a friends house, and then she was gone. He later told me that he could often hear his mom beating his sister so loud that he could hear the smacks from downstairs, and his sisters screams.
He and his siblings were babysat by a woman since they were toddlers (she worked before the dad left as well as after). It was the same family for his whole life; like a home daycare. He said that one day things got so bad that his babysitter refused to give the children back. His mom was at the door screaming at her, and they had to spend “a few nights” at the babysitter’s. He can’t recall exactly what happened. Again, his childhood memories are fractured. He knows that he wet the bed until he was 10, and had troubled sleep his whole life. He recalls “sleeping standing up” during the day, and almost got hit by a car when he was a child because he essentially sleep-walked onto the road. His mom told him that the rearview mirror of the car went over his head. He later mentioned that his mother would wake the children up and get them showered and dressed and 3am, and they’d be sitting in the car at 4am waiting for her to get dressed for work before she dropped them off at the babysitter’s at 6am. This is really stupid. I worked in childcare and all the parents who had early work would bring their kids in, dressed in pyjama’s and sleeping. It was obvious that the parents got themselves ready and took their sleeping children from bed so that they could maintain a good sleep schedule. It seems like common sense to me.
All of these details have slowly trickled out over the course of our 6 year relationship. His mother has never spoken about it to him or even apologised. Despite being an amazing person, my husband has some issues and now that I work for Child Protection I can see that a lot of his current behaviours are likely attachment-related. I suggested that my husband try therapy, which he did. Now more things are resurfacing- things that he isn’t ready to talk to me about yet. His sister is visiting and told me that their mom took their childhood dog to the pound for no reason at all- just because she didn’t like having a dog. She spoke about how heartbreaking this was, and my husband said he “doesn’t like to think about that”. I never knew he had a childhood dog. I talk about my childhood dogs all the time and he never even mentioned it because it was too painful.
I don’t know what else I don’t know, but I now can’t stand his mother. I’ve been growing resentful of her for the past couple of years, but after seeing my husband suffer through therapy and have emotional breakdowns and sometimes even project his repressed mother hate onto me, I am beginning to despise the woman. I don’t want her in my house. I don’t want to go to her house. I think what bother’s me the most is that the whole family barely acknowledge any of this. My husband has never spoken about it with his other siblings. If anything the family sort of joke about their mom being a flimsy mom. I understand that being a single mom of 4 must have been very difficult, but she seemed to have lacked a nurturing mother quality since before the dad left. I am currently pregnant and as soon as we told her she said “don’t worry if you miscarry.” wtf?!
I don’t know what to do. I try to be accepting of her, but some times I crack and tell my husband what a POS she is. This (rightfully) upsets him and I feel terrible that I can’t get a hold of my emotions. I hate her for everything she’s done to my husband and his family, and for the lasting affect that her abuse still has on him.
How do I get over this?
13 comments
I came from a very… Colorful past. It’s easy to normalize things you never should.
The thing is, you can’t force him to deal with things he doesn’t want to deal with or see things the way you think he should see them, even if his view is twisted by normal standards of mental health.
I think you have to let him take the lead on this. What I mean is don’t own extra anger on his behalf. Be as supportive as you can be because eventually this will come to a head, even if not, until she passes away.
I’m so sorry your husband is going through this. I have several suggestions:
1. Do not vent or disparage his mother to him. He is in a “fog” and you can’t make him see what you see. He has to get there without prodding from you. If he is too busy defending his past and his mom from your judgement he is going to be resistant to healing. Also if you disparage his mom you are not a safe place for him to share his new realizations about his past.
2. You should get therapy yourself to help YOU deal with what your husband is sharing. You are getting emotionally involved because you love your husband but you need to make sure you deal with it in a healthy way.
3. You can only address her current behavior and act accordingly. Try to avoid as much drama as possible while not being a door mat. Personally I would attempt to avoid any events with the mother as much as possible AND keep her away from your baby. Based on her statement regarding miscarrying, I would not eat anything she provides at all, make sure you aren’t infront of her on any stairs, etc. Your pregnancy is the perfect reason to avoid her. You don’t feel well enough to entertain.
It’s tough because my darling husband has been watching and learning from me how abusive my childhood was. He’s watching now how I help my younger sister in dealing with our mother now, as they live together, and I live in another country now. I have to support my sister as much as I can while overseas and it’s tough.
The memories that come to me mostly as dreams worry and scare me the most, and yet, I can’t never bring up such topics to my mother because to her “none of that happened” or she “can’t remember”. I’ve been working through my issues these days mostly by myself, whereas back in England I had a therapist and clinician helping me out. There were so many times that doctors would see my cuts, bruises, treat me for broken or sprained limbs and they would ask me when I was alone what happened. I would always lie because I was too scared to get my mother in trouble because it would wind up being worse for me. Thankfully I left the uk when my sister was already an adult, so she can eventually leave, but she’s studying to get into university so I’m helping her through that.
My mother will not acknowledge what she did, nor what she went through as a child (she never broke the cycle), so we will never get answers or closure. What I do know now though is that my husband is my biggest support. He helps my sister out too (just hoping that she gets a half decent career so if she wants to practice her future career here, we can sponsor her and give her a chance to restart life away from our mother).
Just be there for him, protect your own children from his mother. Break the cycle. It’s a real slow process but he’ll get there because you’re by his side. As long as he knows he can have a strong bond with your family that’s also of high importance. I found reading particular books (psychology or memoirs) helped me too.
You two have got this! Good luck!
The best thing you can do is be a source of kindness and compassion.
I had a similar upbringing- except my parents are still together. The adults in my family all enable my mother’s dysfunction because it’s easier than what happens if she’s confronted. I’m labeled as the “problem child” because I don’t buy into her delusions anymore.
I understand that you feel you’re being “trickle-truthed” about your husband’s past. I don’t think he is withholding intentionally. I feel a lot of shame about my past. I hated reliving the old memories. It’s just easier to pretend they didn’t happen. I also feel a profound sense of guilt I had a roof over my head. So many people had it worse than I did. What do I have to complain about? As someone else has mentioned, abuse quickly becomes normalized, particularly if that’s all you’ve ever known. I still have trouble recognizing abusive behaviors as an adult with several years of ongoing therapy.
I would recommend that you seek therapy for yourself, particularly if you’re feeling resentment towards his mother.
Ugh I could have written a lot of this.
My husband also came from a very “different” family than mine. I’m very close with my parents and sibling. Have normal problems but honestly I feel like my childhood was idyllic.
My husband went through a lot. His mom cheated on his dad. His stepdad was a POS and she never stood up for him. She also had honestly more kids than she could handle and, as my husband is the oldest, got ignored or given too many responsibilities. His dad ended up getting remarried to a woman who also treated my husband like garbage. He never felt like he had a home. He felt like he was bounced between two places where he was “unwanted.” It’s incredibly sad and makes me cry when I think about it. On top of that, his mom left the state during high school for him. Of course, he didn’t want to be uprooted. So he told both of his parents his was living with the other and moved in with another family member on the sly. His own fucking parents didn’t even notice. That’s how bad it was. His mom has also stolen money (like 2k each time) about 3 or 4 times.
Once all of this info started coming out, it was honestly hard for me to not say anything. But my best advice is to let you husband deal with things how he feels fit. If he wants to just vent and then play nice, that’s his choice. Or if he wants to keep his mom at a distance, that’s great too. Or if he decides to cut her out, you’ll know why.
It’s hard to not defend the ones we love. I have to work on this all the time. I try to leave everything in my husband’s hands.
You already despise his mother. You soon will despise your husband. This will not last much longer. Seriously get yourself a good lawyer and hand your husband the divorce papers. Simple as that
I couldn’t read all of this. It reminds me of my awful father. You don’t get over this. Its perfectly ok to hate her for this. My dad never apologized for beating my mom or myself or my brother. I hate the man and will always. I would feel loved by my spouse if she cared enough to stand up for me by loathing him too. On his 4th marriage dad lives in a Latin American County where a poor American can look like royalty. Its ok to not get over it. Best thing you and your husband can do is move on from the person. My kids have met my dad. They think he’s nice..I haven’t told them he’s a total piece of shit. Someday I will, but I didn’t want to deny them the chance to meet him. I’ve spoken to my dad a couple.of times in 25 years and had stretch without talking for about 15 years… you sound like an amazing and supportive spouse. Good for.you and your husband. Im.sad for his sister, I hope she’s found peace in life.
You don’t get over it. But you have to manage it.
My mother was also a single mom. She didn’t beat me, but our relationship was complicated.
The big issue I face, and Im sure he faces as well, is, for all the un-nurturing, screwed-up shit she did, at the same time, she was the ONLY one who loved me. My absent father didn’t give a crap about me (and still doesn’t).
His father never tried to get custody, moved away, and essentially abandon him. His father never rescued him and did worse to his sister.
So his mother may have been abusive, but she didn’t abandon him like hid dad it.
Hence, no matter how bad she was, he is (likely) never going to be OK with cutting her out of his life, because she didn’t cut him out of hers.
Encourage him to continue his therapy. But ultimately this is his battle, and not yours. Be supportive of him, but realize he’s (likely) never going to stop having her in his life because as much as she might have been a bad parent, she was not the WORST parent of the two in his mind.
I’m so sorry your husband and his siblings were abused as children. Your husband has suffered Adverse Childhood Experiences and possible PTSD. Bed wetting, lack of memory, trouble sleeping…all the things you mention are classic signs of abuse during childhood. His attachment style, his intimacy, how he relates to you and the rest of the family are all tired back to his family of origin. His stoicism is his way of protecting himself.
You can’t get over it if your husband hasn’t. I understand his position and even right now approaching 50 y.o there are majority of my childhood ordeal I’m still suppressing and even developed selective “amnesia” – it’s a coping mechanism trying to deal with the world by pretending it didn’t happen.
Just going back reminiscing one single incident can bring me back spiraling down the dark hole for several days.
I recommend you to be extra patient and encourage your husband to stay in therapy. Don’t force him to open up, he will in his own time. In the mean time, make him agree to cut contact with his mother. With narcissistic parent, I think the dynamics was your husband was the golden child, the only daughter (like me) almost always end up as the black sheep in the family, bottom of the hierarchy. Please look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder and see if any of those resonate with your husband’s family dynamics.
It should be obvious but don’t let this woman be too involved with your baby. My goodness that is a lot. Congratulations
It took me until last year to really dig into all the BS I dealt with as a kid. I couldn’t figure out why I’d have fits of anger from nowhere, bouts of depression that medication barely touched, etc. I knew my first 19 years were bad, but that was 30 years ago and I thought I forgot most of it. I mean, I’m a strong 48yo dude – very few people could pose a threat to me now. How can something from decades ago be an issue?
I started seeing a counselor last year. I had a pretty great relationship with my parents up until this point. Counseling brought up a lot of shit that finally helped me make sense of so many things. Previously I told my wife some of the basics because she was the one dealing with the fallout. This very week I remembered some new things while talking to my daughter – our cats all disappeared the same day. This is a lifetime curse. My relationship with my elderly parents is now very complex. My wife follows my lead. That’s really all you can do here. Let your husband guide the relationship with his mom. Obviously don’t let her alone with your kids, besides that – follow his lead.
There are so many parallels with your husbands story. I just now made the connection with bed wetting. I never thought to bring that up, it’s kind of embarrassing.
The one thing I try to remind myself is that my dad was also abused his entire childhood. His dad was a hard man and so was my grandpa’s dad. Our cycle goes back generations. Your husband’s mom likely has a similar story.
The dad can’t be great either if allowed his own daughter to be sexually abused by his stepsons.
It’s really hard to know abusers and just make sure this woman isn’t ever alone with your children. And make sure your husband has worked through a lot of his own personal triggers before becoming a parent. Not saying he would abuse his kid, but the mental load of letting kids cry (when you never could) and etc….
She sounds awful