Last week I (27F) got home after being away on vacation. I didn’t have any plans, and decided I should text a couple friends I had met this past summer (we’ll call them Paul 30M and Kay 32F) to see if they’d want to hang out with me. This is a huge feat for myself as I rarely initiate with people because I’m absolutely terrified that they are disgusted by me and will feel put off by me wanting to spend time with them. I took a deep breath, sent the text, and threw my phone, then tried to keep busy while I waited for a response. (I legitimately felt sick to my stomach and ended up turning to skin picking to soothe myself). But they said they wanted to see me! And I was grateful to have plans on the calendar. Kay texted me privately to let me know she was glad I made the plans and that she was excited to see us both.
The day came and Paul bailed as they were sick. I understood but figured I could still see Kay at our agreed upon time. She seemed to want to reschedule the meet up to where Paul could join which made me feel bad…like I wasn’t enough for her, which is a common thought train for me. Regardless, we rescheduled for last night.
I texted both of them to confirm that they’d be able to make the new time and wanted to verify the place. Paul responded and let me know he’d be there, but Kay didn’t text back. She had said she had an appointment directly before, so I figured maybe she couldn’t check her phone. I met up with Paul and it was nice to see him, but Kay never showed up, and never texted to say why or apologize. I am frustrated not only because she didn’t respect me or Paul enough to show up or let us know, but also because he and I met up at a location that she had chosen which was more convenient for her, when we could have gone somewhere else being that it was only the two of us. On top of that, she doesn’t know how hard it was for me to make these plans, and it just reinforces that I probably shouldn’t try in the future.
At the same time, I feel like I should reach out to her. I had wanted to check in to see if she was ok, but I looked on Instagram and she has been active today, meaning she’s had enough free time to send a text, but she hasn’t.
TL;DR – my friend rescheduled plans, and then didn’t show up at the new agreed upon time, and hasn’t texted me since.
I’m wondering if I should reach out to her to ask what’s going on, or if I should just let it go? I don’t want to be a bad friend by not checking on her, but I’m also upset. Should I reach out? And should I say something to her about how this all made me feel?
3 comments
Shoutout to Paul though!
Kay ain’t getting no more invites.
I’m saying this not to rebuke you but to help calibrate your expectations and investment.
She fumbled the social interaction. It shouldn’t however torpedo your relationship with her.
Most people would be ok with this behavior.
I understand where you are at mentally, and I recognize it in many of my friends, loved ones, and peers. It’s real and feels real to you.
The reality of the situation is any number of things could have happened that is perfectly reasonable that explains her behavior without making it mean you aren’t worth it, or she doesn’t respect you.
Also offering to reschedule when Paul was sick is the normal courteous thing to do, it wasn’t about you not being enough.
If this continues and shows a pattern of behavior sure, write them off, but off one incident this is pretty normal and holding a grudge will poison whatever friendship could blossom.
Again I want to reiterate, I know and recognize the thoughts you have. But It is my hope that a more reasonable mind will emerge eventually from exposure to a more socially adjusted point of view. That sounds like judgement and it’s not. There are many reasons I’m sure you feel the way you do, all of them are certainly the truth of your existence as you are now. But if those feelings are ever to go away you need to be exposed to the realistic expectations the rest of the world is working under.
>On top of that, she doesn’t know how hard it was for me to make these plans, and it just reinforces that I probably shouldn’t try in the future.
That’s called confirmation bias and it’s how our minds gets us stuck in loops of self sabotage.
>I’m wondering if I should reach out to her to ask what’s going on, or if I should just let it go?
I would reach out as a way of communicating a boundary while also checking on her – “Kay, it was really disappointing that you didn’t show up or call to give a heads up that you wouldn’t be coming. Is something wrong or was this just a slip up?”