I (45f) am in a LDR with a partner (47m). For background, we were both widowed 7 yrs ago and met through a support group. We became friends as we shared interests in common and both had a similar sense of humour. He has a mental illness (I won’t say what in case they are on Reddit) that means they have not worked and are unable to travel. When we met it was not as severe and we did actually go out for meals and to places of interest. This would be workable if they sought medical treatment. It is not incurable and can be helped with therapy and medication. Both things they have refused multiple times over several years.
My late partner ignored my pleas to see a doctor and this led to guilt when they passed away from what I had suspected. My current partner knows this and it hasn’t been easy for me to feel like I’m going to experience it again.
Because of covid and the refusal to seek professional help, the mental illness has worsened and affects physical health and they are constantly physically ill leading to severe anxiety and worsening of the mental illness. I live 100 miles away and have spent the last 4 years driving to them every fortnight whilst managing two older children and a full time job. We don’t go out at all for the last 3 years.
I have gotten to the point where I can’t do it anymore. I’m mentally exhausted from it. I have no one here when I need it. My car broke down last week. I have barely any money. Currently my partner is not even talking to me online because they have illness resulting from physical neglect. This makes the mental health worse and I feel guilty and at the same time resentful.
I feel like there is never a right time to say “I can’t be your therapist/counsellor/general dogsbody for anything you need doing”
I feel like a terrible person but I have said in the past I will not move to their town and I am resentful that they just say “you knew I had this illness, you know I can’t move” they have no job or children or family and could have a much better quality of life where I have a house with a garden (they have a 1 bed flat)
I don’t know if I should try and work through it? Issue an ultimatum? I spent three days asking if they were ok and I got one sentence back and nothing after. I don’t want to say “it’s over” in case it tips them over the edge. I have my own mental health to deal with as well.
All opinions will be welcome!
1 comment
I am so sorry. He has a responsibility to get his own health in order for himself and to be a good partner to you. He is choosing not to do that. He is making the choice. You deserve an equal partner and he is not that.
There is never a right time. You can tell him the truth- you aren’t an equal partner and you aren’t doing anything about your mental and physical health.
Good luck.